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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to say no?

373 replies

Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 16:24

It's my birthday next Saturday and I was hoping me and DH could do something together, we'd said maybe a meal or a few drinks. We rarely get to go out just us two. I've arranged with my parents to have our children and my husband's older children were not due to be with us anyway that night.

My husband and ex have a fairly flexible contact arrangement with my step children in that they'll often be happy to swap and change things if the other has plans which is fine and I'm glad they can be friendly enough to do that.

Ex text last night to say she's been invited out with some friends next Saturday to a concert and would we have DC. My husband mentioned it to me and I said well no because it's my birthday and we'd said we were going fo go out. He didn't really say anything first then started saying things like why couldn't we all go out together, would be nice to enjoy a "family" birthday and so on...

I told him no I didn't want this and whilst I'm always happy to say yes to extra time usually, that I feel this is a good enough reason to say no not this time.

DH hasn't told his ex yet. AIBU to think it's fine to say no on this basis? If he says yes I think I'll just plan to stay out with friends instead. I'm not wasting the opportunity for childfree time!!

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 10/02/2022 17:34

What he should have said was "sorry we can't swap weekends as we already have plans" but I suspect he has agreed already. Maybe he has forgotten about your plans.

He needs to sort it though.

Tiredmum100 · 10/02/2022 17:35

Yanbu. Enjoy your birthday OP.

PinkSyCo · 10/02/2022 17:37

Of course it’s fine to say no. Why should the exes plans trump yours at any time, but especially on your birthday? Hold firm on this OP.

tigger1001 · 10/02/2022 17:38

@Kjr33

Nah sorry I’d rearrange the birthday plans. Time with the kids is more important, it doesn’t even matter what the ex has planned I wouldn’t stop my oh having extra time with his kids.
Where do you draw the line though? If it was something that needed tickets? That would cost to reorganise?

And why is it ok for the ex to change her plans which impacts on others? Should she not have been spending time with the kids?

I think it's great to be flexible and that's great for the kids too. But that flexibility means there will be times that the other parent already has plans.

harriethoyle · 10/02/2022 17:39

@Kjr33

Nah sorry I’d rearrange the birthday plans. Time with the kids is more important, it doesn’t even matter what the ex has planned I wouldn’t stop my oh having extra time with his kids.
Obviously not more important to their mum seeing she's off to a concert on her weekend, is it? Shocking double standards from you here.
mummykel16 · 10/02/2022 17:39

Go to the concert as well with your friends make a night of it

cheninblanc · 10/02/2022 17:39

Why can't she arrange a babysitter?

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 17:40

@blyn72

I think as ex asked first, you could maybe go out for your meal on the Friday or the Sunday. If she has had concert tickets booked for her and cannot find anyone else to look after the children, it would be shame to waste them whereas you can have a meal any time.

That's just a suggestion and I won't be offended if you ignore but I could say, first come first served.

She didn't ask first? It's her weekend.
OP posts:
Isonthecase · 10/02/2022 17:40

But this is so easy to fix, he just says sorry we can't we've got plans? He can have a nice family birthday on HIS birthday if he wants one.

Original poster
Birthday197 · 10/02/2022 17:43

@Isonthecase

But this is so easy to fix, he just says sorry we can't we've got plans? He can have a nice family birthday on HIS birthday if he wants one.
It should be easy shouldn't it! Ugh
OP posts:
Gowithme · 10/02/2022 17:44

Was he not aware you had a child free birthday planned? Why is he bending over backwards for ex, he should be putting you first. She's the one trying to offload the kids on to you, not the other way round (as you would think from some of the replies on here!).

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 10/02/2022 17:45

I have a bad feeling he's already said yes

Yanbu it's OK to say no if you have other plans and it's certainly OK to want to go out with your dh on a non contact weekend for your birthday!

UsernameInTheTown · 10/02/2022 17:48

YANBU OP.

edwinbear · 10/02/2022 17:48

YADNBU OP. You see your SDC regularly, it's her weekend and it sounds like you're usually accommodating with these sorts of requests. Her childfree night out with her mates, doesn't trump your childfree night out on your actual birthday. She can get a babysitter if she's desperate to go can't she?

MintyGreenDream · 10/02/2022 17:50

Book one restaurant for you and him and another for you and your friends then you'll definitely have somewhere nice to go on your birthday.You can cancel one a day or so before.

Opus17 · 10/02/2022 17:50

It actually doesn't matter what plans you have (so even if it wasn't your birthday), the fact remains it's her weekend and you are busy. Seeing as you're usually accommodating, on this occasion it's absolutely fine to say "no sorry, we can't, we have plans that weekend".

If he's already said yes, op, I'd leave him with the kids and spend the night with your friends

TidyDancer · 10/02/2022 17:50

She's not unreasonable to ask, you're not unreasonable to say no. All things being equal, an unmovable concert date would definitely trump a moveable meal out (even if it's for a birthday) but since she's the one scheduled to have the DCs that day then it's on her to arrange childcare. She's asked and that's fine. I also don't think your DH is unreasonable to say a family occasion would be nice but again, you're not unreasonable to say no to that.

But I agree with others who suspect he's already said yes.

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2022 17:52

I said.

Did you read the whole post?
The bit at the end when I said

If I was the ex I'd say fair enough, actually I'll hire a babysitter for here, save the messing about

Here as in her house
Not sure what was confusing about that or unreasonable to post

MintyGreenDream · 10/02/2022 17:53

@SnipSnipMrBurgess thats exactly what my mother in law did once her 4 kids hit adulthood.Dh gets a phonecall,that's it.She lives 2 min away.

Szyz2020 · 10/02/2022 17:54

I cannot imagine why you wouldn’t want to trade a child free night, a delicious dinner at a decent restaurant and a lie in on a Sunday in lieu of a lovely family meal with your 1 and 3 year old!! Grin YANBU to want to stick with the plan you’ve made. Child free time when you have dc that age is very precious indeed! His ex will just have to find an alternative for her childcare on her weekend.

Bookworm20 · 10/02/2022 17:54

How his immediate answer wasn't, i'm sorry but we''ve already got plans, I can't fathom. Id be really really pissed off about that tbh.

If it was an emergency, obviously thats different. but his ex wants to go out with her mates to a concert and he thins thats more important?

Nope. he's really messed up here and i suspect also hes already agreed, which is why he is suggesting a family birthday meal. He needs to own this monumental mistake and put it right. asap!

You're his wife. Its your birthday. You have arranged overnight childcare for your DC. How is he not getting this?

If he insists on having his DC, his priority is with his ex, not you. Cancel your parents babysitting, he can have all 4 and get yourself a hotel too and spend the ENTIRE weekend out.

popples19 · 10/02/2022 17:56

I'm with you on this. It's your birthday and you already have plans. I hope you have a lovely birthday and have plenty of drinks!

ZenNudist · 10/02/2022 17:57

Yanbu he should say no. Existing plans Trump having the dc. It's not like you'd usually not prioritise them.

Christmas21 · 10/02/2022 17:59

We had the exact same issue with next weekend! DH had already said we wouldn't be able to swap as we are busy and my sister has DD but his ex still asked as she wants to go out. DH said no but we are lucky that DHs parents agreed to have them. If they hadn't been able to, his ex would have had to sort it as its her time to have them and we have plans.

Trolleedollee · 10/02/2022 18:00

Can’t you get a babysitter and then all the adults can have their arrangements. Mind you why can’t their mum get a babysitter? That’s what most people do!