To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

How would you feel if you had the same opportunity? Would you give him a share?

Situations where pay is not equal are always problematic. This is a one off for you as normally your incomes are equitable. I don't know what the easy answer is though. What does your partner think? Have you discussed it yet?

I think splitting it would be fair, given the extra burden on you while he is away.
but
What is your agreement?

Is it 50-50 because you earn the same (so if one took a pay cut/rise the split might change), or is it 50-50 out of principle (which I think isn't great once a couple have a child)

You are certainly facilitating him earning the money but undertaking additional unpaid work.

I don't really understand why you wouldn't gave joint finances if you have a dc.

Tbh, I never understood married couples that had a need to split finances exactly 50/50...or similar

Surely everyone fairly contributes what they can to the bills, they save the rest, and then can amalgamate or gift money to each other as required for big or small purchases alike.

Yanbu

You say you "really need the money" which suggests it should go to a shared goal.

You really need the money - what for?

If you as a couple really need the money, e.g for repairs / cars etc then isn't that already being shared? Just trying to make sense of this part!

Work out how much of that £10k he would be paying out if he had to pay for all the childcare, housework etc that he’s not going to be doing his share of.

Don’t forget to charge an appropriate rate for all the nighttime childcare.

I reckon it would come to about £5k, maybe more.

YANBU

I think YABU because you have chosen not to have joint finances. Therefore after bills you both keep what you earn. You've decided this way is fairest and cannot back out for special occurrences like this. If you want joint finances, talk to him and explain why.

If my partner was going to do that it would have to be for a family goal not as a reason to inflate their savings. You are a family and that length of time causes strain even more so when one of you has sole childcare. If it was for some family holiday, new car or towards home improvements then everyone benefits. He works long hours so do you with all extra home work. I wouldn’t be happy agreeing to cover all free home working and childcare when he’s not sharing anything either. At very mim you need some childcare to cover his share so you can carry on working and have some adult time like I presume you have now.

If it was just one weekend I'd say let it fly, but 8-10 weeks is a long time. If you weren't there to pick up the slack then he'd have to pay someone to do his share of the chores/childcare.

Once you have DCs it should be 'family money'.

You say “we” really need the money, then talk about splitting it? That doesn’t make sense, surely if you need the money, the whole lot goes on whatever you need it for?

How are you planning to work unless you book childcare? Unless you are self employed how does ft equate to 3-5 hours work?

You’re a family and you need the money presumably for the whole family so there should really not be his/yours.
If he’s arsey about it or feels he should solely benefit I’d tell him you’ll be looking for a similar opportunity!

I will never understand why people call themselves partners but then insist upon managing money separately. I find it particularly strange when that couple get married and still act like money is separate and / or when they have a child and still don’t pool money.

So I find that strange from the off. But seeing as you do this, then no I don’t think you can pick and choose when you pool money and when you don’t. But as I say, I think it should be pooled regardless.

He can only take that opportunity if you pick up all of his other responsibilities outside of work. Why on earth should he get to ringfence those earnings as a private windfall?

Would it not be more sensible to use some of the extra money to pay for a nursery or child minder during the time he is away rather than you taking on the extra childcare during your working day?
That way you can do your work in the hours your dc is in childcare rather than trying to fit in work around a dc, your dh will still have a substantial amount of extra money at the end of it that I presume is going toward a joint or family goal given your 'really need the money' comment.

If the money is for a joint goal, what impact would you getting a share have? Or is it simply you both want the money rather than having something it will be spent on? (Eg if me or dh had that kind of extra money it would be spent on home improvements or a joint car so benefit to the family)

@Homealone01

My DH and I have the same scenario.

When he works away he gives me 30% of his overtime.

@MorningStarling

I think YABU because you have chosen not to have joint finances. Therefore after bills you both keep what you earn. You've decided this way is fairest and cannot back out for special occurrences like this. If you want joint finances, talk to him and explain why.

Agree with this.

Yes, of course. You either:

1. Work as a team to cover both the chores and extra work during that period, and share the extra income.
2. He covers the extra work and his regular chores by himself, and keeps all his additional income. But this would mean he provides childcare and housework cover for that period from his own pocket.

I like the suggestion of putting the additional income towards some family expense.

He should use some of the extra money to pay for childcare.

Dh and I have split finances. In a situation like this I would expect him to give me 50 percent as I have taken over his share of childcare duties.
In our case, dh sometimes has to take an
unpaid day to cover childcare closures, so I transfer him half of his missed earnings for those days. This would be the same in my opinion.

I think if you don't share money then you have no say over this money.

we really need the money

Use the overtime for whatever is really needed? Is it home improvement? Car? Debts? Holiday. Whatever it is. It should be a family thing though.