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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

292 replies

Homealone01 · 10/02/2022 10:28

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 10/02/2022 12:19

* we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. *
And yet for this to start a thread on mumsnet before talking to him about it Confused

WilsonMilson · 10/02/2022 12:19

I’ve never understood relationships like this. What a weird transactional way of operating. You share a life, a house and a child so why don’t you you share the money?

Individual previous savings and personal accounts for some things are fair enough, but me and DH have always worked under the assumption that whatever comes in is family money and shared between us and for the common good, no matter who earns what.

Cam2020 · 10/02/2022 12:24

X amount towards family/household things and split the rest?

bellsbuss · 10/02/2022 12:24

We don't have a joint current account, DH pays everything out of his account. He transfers money to me every week and we have a joint credit card which I use for shopping, clothes etc and he pays in full every month. The bulk of our savings is in joint and we have personal savings too plus joint mortgage. He has said several times about a joint account but I like having my own.

Anniegetyourgun76 · 10/02/2022 12:26

Personally I think you should put the 10k towards the house renovations as 5k each. That way you've both earned it in your own ways and you'll both benefit from it. This is what partners and families would do. Ultimately it will be your DC benefitting from it and that's the goal really it doesn't matter where the money comes from as long as you're a secure unit and on the same page xx

Minionbums · 10/02/2022 12:27

Does your boss know you only work for 3-5 hours a day and spend the rest of your time looking after your child?? I know that’s not the point of your message but if you had a different job you’d have to start paying for childcare.

DrSbaitso · 10/02/2022 12:27

@bellsbuss

We don't have a joint current account, DH pays everything out of his account. He transfers money to me every week and we have a joint credit card which I use for shopping, clothes etc and he pays in full every month. The bulk of our savings is in joint and we have personal savings too plus joint mortgage. He has said several times about a joint account but I like having my own.
Is there any reason you can't have both? Why a joint credit card, joint mortgage and joint savings but no joint current account?

It would actually give you more agency than having to rely on him transferring money to you each month.

Bookworm20 · 10/02/2022 12:29

@WilsonMilson

I’ve never understood relationships like this. What a weird transactional way of operating. You share a life, a house and a child so why don’t you you share the money?

Individual previous savings and personal accounts for some things are fair enough, but me and DH have always worked under the assumption that whatever comes in is family money and shared between us and for the common good, no matter who earns what.

This.

As part of a family, people don't go out to work to earn money to spend on themselves. They work to earn money to create a family life with the person they have chosen to spend that life with surely.

I too can't get my head around how all money coming in isn't family money. It doesn't mean you can't individually treat yourselves to stuff, but if you have a house renovation going on, surely the obvious thing is it gets spent on that?

But as you seem to have everything seperate, as technically its his earnings he could out it towards that and you'll have to stump up the equivilent.

Would he facilitate YOU going away for 8-10 and him having full childcare responsibility? I bet the answer is no, because he'd have to pay for childcare in order to continue working. So should be the same the other way around.

Orchid876 · 10/02/2022 12:32

I think you should, but in the sense that money should be shared money.

Off topic but I hope you don't mind me asking - what do you do from home where you work 3-5 hours a day? I'm not having a go, I'm genuinely interested. I'm a teacher but really need to switch careers.

DreamingofGinoclock · 10/02/2022 12:36

A fair way I think (given your set up) ...could be to choose how much of the additional goes towards the renovation say for example 8k (you guys decide on this) your DH has 2k left to spend / save then the remaining renovations so total cost lest the 8k is split equally...
Numbers are illustrative ...you could between you decide the whole 10k goes towards the renovations or however much you both agree on!

Mo1911 · 10/02/2022 12:38

So you're effectively asking him to pay you for doing his part of the childcare, chores etc???? Wow! Sound more like a business your running than a marriage.

NowEvenBetter · 10/02/2022 12:38

@AryaStarkWolf

Is he planning on not sharing it? If you need money for renovations I would assume that the extra 10k would just go straight to that. I think it would be odd of him to expect his wife to match that and think of it as only his contribution. You're facilitating his ability to earn it after all and you're married!!
Why do you think they’re married? They’re just boyfriend and girlfriend
DrGoogleSaysSo · 10/02/2022 12:38

I don't separate finances like that and if dh or I would get an extra income, that would probably just go towards our joint savings, a family holiday or something that we need replaced in the house e.g. a new fridge...

catscatscatseverywhere · 10/02/2022 12:39

@bellsbuss

We don't have a joint current account, DH pays everything out of his account. He transfers money to me every week and we have a joint credit card which I use for shopping, clothes etc and he pays in full every month. The bulk of our savings is in joint and we have personal savings too plus joint mortgage. He has said several times about a joint account but I like having my own.
He pays off your CC bill, why do you need to keep it separate? He knows your spending anyway.
NowEvenBetter · 10/02/2022 12:41

(I.e. they’re both legally single)

ancientgran · 10/02/2022 12:42

@Homealone01

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

We've been married for nearly 40 years, never argue about money and he pays some bills I pay others and what is left over is ours. I'm not sure if it's fair, it was back when we did a review about 5 years ago but we are both happy so I back you up on everyone doing finances the way that works for them.

I do think the £10k should be a joint contribution as you are both doing extra work to generate it. You could even both have a bonus for something you want, £500 or £1k each and then the balance to the renovations. Hope he sees it that way.

overnightangel · 10/02/2022 12:42

@formalineadeline

He can only take that opportunity if you pick up all of his other responsibilities outside of work. Why on earth should he get to ringfence those earnings as a private windfall?
Exactly. Presumably he’s not working 24 hours a day for 8/10 weeks and gets time to himself…. Where’s the OP’s time to herself? She’s sole parent 24/7.
TheMeditativeRose · 10/02/2022 12:45

Sounds to me like it should count as a joint contribution to the renovations. He does extra work, you cover his duties at home.

As an aside though, it might also be an idea to use a small part of the money for something to reconnect as a family when he gets back, so you both take some time off and do some family outings for a week, or go away for a weekend.

OfstedOffred · 10/02/2022 12:45

You need childcare. The extra money he is earning can pay towards it.

ancientgran · 10/02/2022 12:47

@WilsonMilson

I’ve never understood relationships like this. What a weird transactional way of operating. You share a life, a house and a child so why don’t you you share the money?

Individual previous savings and personal accounts for some things are fair enough, but me and DH have always worked under the assumption that whatever comes in is family money and shared between us and for the common good, no matter who earns what.

It can be historic. My DH had a brief marriage, less than a year, where she almost bankrupted him. She was drawing money out of joint account, mortgage payments bounced as did gas electric council tax. He worked long hours and she hid the letters so she got away with it for several months until he got a phone call from the bank. He wouldn't believe them so they invited him in and showed him the cheques she'd signed and the money transferred. She moved out that night but it took him time to get back on his feet, well to be honest it wasn't all paid off when we got married so I paid some of it off as well.

It was hardly a shock that he felt uncomfortable with a joint account and by the time our marriage was well established we couldn't see the need to change It's worked for us for nearly 40 years, we've never had a row about money, plenty about other things but not money.

Snoozer11 · 10/02/2022 12:52

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Well firstly he will need to use some of that to pay childcare. You can't work ft with a little one from home for 10 weeks. It's insanity
To ba fair, WFH with a child is more than possible if you're only putting in 3-5 hours a day like the OP is.
Onlyforcake · 10/02/2022 12:54

In our house the 'extra' my husband gets from frequently working away over bank holidays goes in our holiday budget, including my short break once a year. The TOIL he also gets for these long, away stints he uses to go off to his voluntary work once a year. Would that seem a good use of the money? Our finances are essentially pooled but that's how we work out our holiday budget. If he were to want to stay home at Christmas we'd all be ok with it, as that's very rare but we'd have him at home.

Masterchief507 · 10/02/2022 12:55

Big money like this is family money in our house. The majority goes to something that benefits everyone. We're usually always in need of something (clothes for DC, new furniture or appliances, our car is getting old etc) so I'd expect the majority to go towards shared expenses. We usually spend something on ourselves, but no more than a few hundred quid.

DarkCorner · 10/02/2022 12:56

I think allocate some of the extra towards childcare then what is leftover should be a family contribution to the renovations and not then require you to put your "own" £8K in to match. You're both pulling together to enable the money to be earned. Even with a bit of childcare, you still have a lot of extra effort/responsibility while he's away.

DrSbaitso · 10/02/2022 12:56

Given he can't earn that money without you doing work and childcare alone for weeks, getting less free time than he will in that period, I'd call it a joint earning. So even under this system of yours, which I'm dubious about anyway, it's one for the joint pot. House renovation sounds like an ideal place to put it.