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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

292 replies

Homealone01 · 10/02/2022 10:28

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

OP posts:
FixTheBone · 10/02/2022 11:01

I always think these sorts of financial arrangements are the road to marital ruin..... It makes everything seem so transactional......

Myself and my wife are both doctors, me full time, my wife part time. Everything just goes into a big pot and gets spent on what it needs to . Neither of us take the piss with personal purchases and talk to each other before big expenses.

Flickflak · 10/02/2022 11:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

THisbackwithavengeance · 10/02/2022 11:02

Depends.

If he intends spunking the extra money on golf, gadgets or designer clothes for himself then YANBU.

If used for family holidays, cars, household inporovements or to pay off debt, then YABU.

If you are working FT but only putting in 3 to 5 hours a day, then you haven't got it too bad.

In the end, 50-50 generally benefits the high earner. I dont think you can ask for this money to pocket yourself unless you are prepared to rethink your whole financial set up.

AnotherMansCause · 10/02/2022 11:04

Presume you're not married as you say partner instead of DH. Do you own your house together, rent, is it in only one name? What does he plan to do with the money? Did he discuss childcare with you before agreeing to go on this work trip, or assume you'd just do all of it? Would he pay for additional childcare while he's away? Or put a lump sum into your pension from his bonus, for example? You're not married so you have negligible protection here if he keeps the whole lot, but he's getting the "benefits" that would have traditionally been associated with marriage.

Have you/would you go away on a trip & leave him to do the childcare? How would he react?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 10/02/2022 11:05

DH and I don't have joint accounts, never have.

I am the full time carer for our severely disabled Son enabling DH to work lots of overtime, not to mention the promotions he has had over the years.

He pays all bills then what is remaining is split between us for "fun money" 50/50 including overtime and bonuses.

Also if he goes away on a trip with his mates he also gives me extra to enable me to pay for additional care should I need it whilst he is away.

It's worked for us for 30 years and because of this I now have substantial savings.

We are a family despite not having joint accounts although this is apparently not the case on MN.

MrsTophamHat · 10/02/2022 11:06

If my DH or i had an opportunity to earn money like that, it absolutely would be seen as family money and we would both discuss what would be done with it. There is no way we would just keep £10000 for ourselves.

Nousernameforme · 10/02/2022 11:07

I think he can either give you half of whatever is left after what its needed for or arrange and pay for childcare and a cleaner whilst he is away.

Rosebuud · 10/02/2022 11:08

It doesn’t really matter what we think, you habe an arrangement to split costs and the remainder of your earnings are yours. As such, for me, this is not your money and you’re not entitled to it becayse you need to look after your kid.

catscatscatseverywhere · 10/02/2022 11:09

Why split? Can't you put it to mutual savings pot or treat yourselves to such and such amount and put rest towards savings?

catscatscatseverywhere · 10/02/2022 11:10

@CocoCookieCream

Tbh, I never understood married couples that had a need to split finances exactly 50/50...or similar

Surely everyone fairly contributes what they can to the bills, they save the rest, and then can amalgamate or gift money to each other as required for big or small purchases alike.

Don't wake up the monster... You're on mumsnet.
timeisnotaline · 10/02/2022 11:11

I’d say we can split it, or, he can keep what’s left after he has paid for an evening nanny 5 nights a week and one day a weekend for 10 weeks. You didn’t volunteer to support him in this opportunity so its family money.
The whole attitude of what’s mine is mine is a problem though once you have dc I think. What does he think?

Blinkingbatshit · 10/02/2022 11:13

Are you a family (therefore a partnership) or not? If he is unable to see that you facilitating his ability to work away means that you should share in the benefits of it then I would genuinely start considering if this is the type of person I want to share my life with.

Beamur · 10/02/2022 11:14

Well, he wouldn't be able to work away for this time if you weren't picking up the slack at home.
So yes, it should be shared or used communally in some way.

Howdoisawwithnosaw · 10/02/2022 11:16

@Rosebuud

It doesn’t really matter what we think, you habe an arrangement to split costs and the remainder of your earnings are yours. As such, for me, this is not your money and you’re not entitled to it becayse you need to look after your kid.
Their arrangement is to split costs AND childcare and housework.

He’s not going to be keeping to their arrangement as he will not be doing his share of childcare and child-related housework.

If they’re going to keep everything equal then he needs to do something to compensate for not keeping up his side of things. Either he can pay for his share of the childcare and housekeeping to be done externally, or he can keep it in the family and give it straight to his partner.

Maves · 10/02/2022 11:17

Why is it not just shared money? You have a child I can never understand this.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/02/2022 11:18

We don’t have shared finances. Dh has done similar but sends money to cover all bills while away so my wage is purely for me on those months (no bills, food or fuel).

Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 11:19

I hate these money splits in relationships. What ever happened to working for the family? To be honest the more people live like this, the more wealthy others families become as they can invest as a team and grow the overall family wealth. The more capital you have, the easier it is to make more capital quicker. Looking after young children is difficult but it shouldn't be used as a way to gain compensation.

LittleOwl153 · 10/02/2022 11:19

He is not free to make the decision to go on this work trip by himself - as he has responsiblities to his DC. Therefore it is a joint decision as to whether he goes at all and what the extra money should be spent on in my view.

If he is going so that a loan can be paid off - that benefits you all - or so that you have savings towards the looming energy crisis etc great. If he is going to pocket the money towards a solo foreign football trip in the summer - I would not be agreeing to him going! Its all in the negotiation...

JustLyra · 10/02/2022 11:19

We’d split the fun money from it.

We take the same amount every month as personal spends. We have very different spending habits - he’s a magazine here and there, Costa most days type spender where as I’m more a weekend away a couple of times a year spender. So to keep it fair, as he felt I was missing out, that’s what we do.

When he works away we agree what we’re going to use the overtime for and both get the same amount of fun money from it as we both do overtime - him in his job and me doing his share of house & kids stuff.

1940s · 10/02/2022 11:22

Hmm I wouldn't expect my DH to give me any of that 10l bonus or any other bonus / overtime he earns even if I had to do extra childcare for him to earn it.... but the reason I wouldn't expect him to 'give me' any is that anything he does earn he's very focussed on and ultimately it would end up in savings as we both have a goal of buying bigger home together. If I envisioned him spending the entire lump on a new watch for example I'd resent the extra effort and aggravation I endured for ten weeks. But if he's going to plug that 10k into both your futures then you're ultimately both sacrificing (him working away, you with extra home duties) for a joint beneficial outcome.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2022 11:22

Well firstly he will need to use some of that to pay childcare. You can't work ft with a little one from home for 10 weeks. It's insanity

Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 11:23

@Rosebuud

It doesn’t really matter what we think, you habe an arrangement to split costs and the remainder of your earnings are yours. As such, for me, this is not your money and you’re not entitled to it becayse you need to look after your kid.
I agree with this. I don't understand how people make themselves worse off by holding onto their own share. What's the point of holding onto a large amount in different pots. Oh well. The more families continue to do this, the more wealthy my own family become and the more opportunities my children gain.
Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 11:24

@catscatscatseverywhere

Why split? Can't you put it to mutual savings pot or treat yourselves to such and such amount and put rest towards savings?
This is the one I meant to quote, not rosebud.
RedToothBrush · 10/02/2022 11:25

This.

Either you are a household or you are planning with a divorce in mind.

The problem with this set up, is if someone takes on extra over time they are in effect doing it for themselves whilst dropping responsibility for household chores and childcare at the same time - AND inhibiting the ability of the other party to also earn more.

If you wanted to be completely fair and continue to split 50:50 over and above the normal set up, the party who is working should be paying their other half for additional child care and housework.

It doesn't make sense to do this once you get to this point. And either you think the relationship is going to last, and you get a joint bank account and trust the other not to take the piss or you should be reassessing your relationship full stop.

RedToothBrush · 10/02/2022 11:26

@CocoCookieCream

Tbh, I never understood married couples that had a need to split finances exactly 50/50...or similar

Surely everyone fairly contributes what they can to the bills, they save the rest, and then can amalgamate or gift money to each other as required for big or small purchases alike.

Quote fail. I was trying to reference this post.