To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

I would say it all goes towards the renovation and you split the outstanding bill.

However if you were to do smaller pieces of overtime/extra work would you honestly do the same or think ‘it’s only £500 that’s mine’?

I think he should use some of the money to pay for childcare and a cleaner to reflect "his" current contribution. On his return he should take you on holiday to make up in some way for your sacrifice and him not having any family/domestic responsibilities for 10 weeks. No way he should keep it all for himself. Good God OP you need a discussion!

I’ve not spoken to him about it yet, as was still deciding myself what I think

Yes I think in this case because of the pressure on both of you the money should just go towards the renovations without allocating it out as that gets too complicated

The additional money should be for the family because you are a team.

However, I used to find periods when DH was away very easy as there was one less person to look after, cook for, etc. And it gave me a chance to do what I wanted and not necessarily tidy up or cook a proper dinner.

Haven’t read all replies so not sure if put forward- how about using some of the 10k to pay for temporary home help so that your overall work load remains more or less the same?

Bonuses are often included for Tax and NI, so you're 5k will be reduced instantly.
Will be be paid travel, food etc whilst away or is this "bonus" in lieu off all this?

Although would love to know what you do that's full time,but you manage to do in a couple of hours and at any time you feel like it. It's the type of job I'm looking for as my health isn't stable and cannot work set hours.

Regardless of where your partner is working, you need childcare in place for all of the hours you are expected to work. You might have muddled through to this point, but the naps will decrease. Its not fair on you or your child to attempt work and childcare simultaneously. This cost is then split between you both. This might also apply to any additional costs whilst you are solo parenting (cleaner, easier more expensive food choices).

The way I see it is that he wouldn't be able to do this extra 8 week stint if it wasn't for you picking up the slack at home. Your sacrifice and your extra unpaid work is enabling him to earn extra money. I would be very upset if my partner didn't recognise this and offer to split the money.

Where can I get a job that pays full time but takes 3 to 5 hours a day?

@Sosigsandwich

I think if you don't share money then you have no say over this money.

So it's ok for him to just lump her with his share of the chores and childcare anytime he wants to earn some extra money? So both of them have much more work but only he gets rewarded?

@DropYourSword

You say you "really need the money" which suggests it should go to a shared goal.

^ This Pay off some mortgage, have a holiday, a car….

We split our joint expenses based on income. If he is making more during that time, he should be contributing a greater percentage to the joint account from which expenses are paid (including for any additional childcare you need during that time). The only difference would be if he would need to pay any expenses for living away that are over and above what work is reimbursing him for (meals out because in a hotel with no kitchen, accommodation, travel, etc.).

I know it's not the point of the thread but I'm intrigued by how you can get a full time salary comparable to his by not using childcare and by some days only doing 3 hours.

The obvious solution is to get DD into childcare for those weeks and perhaps going forward.

I don't think it should matter if he's prepared to put all towards renovation. Presumably if you split then you would get half each of the value of the property.

Either split the money or he needs to pay you for housekeeping and babysitting. Going rate around here is between £13 to £17 per hour.

I will never, ever understand this mentality in married couples. I thought the whole point of marriage was you join together, financially or otherwise.

@MorningStarling

I think YABU because you have chosen not to have joint finances. Therefore after bills you both keep what you earn. You've decided this way is fairest and cannot back out for special occurrences like this. If you want joint finances, talk to him and explain why.

But they also decided splitting household chores and childcare is fair, and he won’t be doing his share, will he? OP will have to pick up that extra work.

I know it's annoying when people give you advice that you didn't ask form @Homealone01 - but this is more than a "Mumsnet minefield". You are leaving yourself potentially vulnerable in years to come. I would say the same to a man in your situation.

I completely disagree with your 50:50 thinking - but if you and your partner are set on that, then his 10k is his alone, but he should also pay for childcare out of it so that you aren't having to work and earn less as a result.

Which would be one great big waste of money, because all the money should be shared, rather than it going to someone else to do the childcare. If it were all shared, you'd both work a bit more or a bit less depending on how things panned out for you both work-wise, and the other one would pick up the childcare slack...

We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this

So it will benefit you as a family. If so, you are being a bit petty.

There are two secnarios that are fair IMO:

1. He doesn't go because he has 50% resposibility for the childcare
2. He does go and you do the childcare but the money is family money

You need more sensible financial arrangements. £10k should go towards something of value to the family IMO.

One of my parents went away for three months to earn a big chunk - for the family, not for themselves. It was hard work for the parent left behind.

I don’t think he should feel the need to give you any money, but it might be nice to use some of it towards a holiday for you both or a weekend away? Or a decent present, like something you’ve always wanted?

On the other hand - I suspect your workload may in fact decrease with him out of the house! I find the house is spotless when my DH goes away, the laundry basket empty, no cooking to do as I’m happy to nibble on what’s available so I don’t bother cooking anything substantial, no washing up as I’ll only use one bowl and put it back straight away, you’ll save money on less food/laundry, too. Maybe.

We pay equal percentage of our earnings. So my oh earns 4 x what I do so he pays 4x more of bills. I'd say it's a joint 10k towards renovation

@Homealone01

I’ve not spoken to him about it yet, as was still deciding myself what I think

Why was this not one of the first things you discussed when he told you about it?

You can probably guess my thoughts on your financial set up and I know you said that wasn't what you wanted to discuss. But that kind of arrangement - you have a child together! - looks even stranger to me when this kind of conversation isn't pretty much immediate once you have the information. How open and honest and mutually beneficial is it really?

And yes, given he couldn't earn this money without leaving you as lone parent for weeks and weeks, you need a share of it somehow, house renovation or otherwise.

@Homealone01

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

It's for yours family sake, I think all the money should go towards renovation without splitting it 50:50 then. With this money you can make renovation and have nice, comfortable house and you're a team not enemies.

I can’t get my ahead around being in a relationship with someone - so close you life together and have a child together

And yet this is issue