To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

I can never understand a couple who don't pool all resources - particularly if you have kids! We considered everything joint as soon as we bought our first house together (happened to be before we got married or had kids, but I think if one of those has come first that would have triggered it, or perhaps even our first rental together...before we bought the house we rented with a friend). Some years my husband earned triple my salary, some years I have earned the equivalent of triple his (free rent as part of my job living away), when I took 1.5yrs mat leave with my second I earned nothing, and now setting up my own business again I'm earning almost nothing..but we make decisions together and support each other. I couldn't be in a relationship where we shared kids and considered money our own, I'd feel like we were in constant in contract negotiations! Doesn't it impede trust if you don't trust your partner to share everything?

I think it’s weird on here when I see that couples don’t share money. My bonus, or my husband’s automatically go into the family pot. We use them for holidays or home improvements. I can’t imagine not doing this - we’re a couple!

Yes we are the same, there is one pot, we are one family and one house hold, in the beginning, hubby was student, then two salaries, then one once kids arrived now back to two salaries. I don't understand this his and hers.

I would work out the extra hours and quantify the jobs. He could not earn the extra without your support. Perhaps put all the extra earned into a savings account and decide together what it should be used for.

Yes I think so, as your life is going to be harder. Can you not start joint savings. What do you do if you need a new roof or something?

Not related to the aibu but do you work full time whilst caring for a one year old?! How is that even possible?

My eldest daughter earns £24 000 and her partner of 6 years £50 000. They both put money in a joint account based on a percentage of their wages. Like each put in 40% and whatbis left is their own to spend. However they do not have children yet. Her partner would happily pay all as he is just such a lovely man. But even when she was studying and was on half that she put 40% of her incomings into the pot and they both think thats fair and easy. I dont know....I think its fair.

I’m not going to comment on your usual financial arrangements but he can only earn this money because you are willing to pick up additional work at home. Therefore this is a joint effort and should be joint money.

@CocoCookieCream

Tbh, I never understood married couples that had a need to split finances exactly 50/50...or similar

Surely everyone fairly contributes what they can to the bills, they save the rest, and then can amalgamate or gift money to each other as required for big or small purchases alike.

I'm not judging anyone - do what suits you - but we have always just had one joint account.

Surely what you both earn is family money, no matter how little or great the sum?

I really don't understand relationships where one partner is better off than the other.

We share all finances here, have done since we moved in together as partners after 3 months.

If myself or DH get overtime or a bonus, we take some out for a treat for ourselves (as whoever earnt the extra money worked bloody hard for it!) and the rest goes into savings. It never gets swallowed up in the day to day spends as it's so depressing seeing the money go on a Tesco shop, etc. 😣

I wasn’t sure how to vote as I didn’t know people kept their finances separate in this way when they’re a family. Is this what a lot of people do now?
We always had a joint account and paid our bills, shopping, stuff for kids, everything out of that.

Op can work full time with a 1yr old as clearly her regular role isn’t suitable when pregnant, not quite sure about when breastfeeding though, seems a bit odd, can’t do this job as you’re breastfeeding. So it’s a bit like gardening leave but given some work to justify the fact they have to keep paying someone to not do their regular job. Sounds like it’s achievable with a 1yr old if she can dip in an out and not set deadlines or meetings during the day. In my team some staff have tried to keep young kids at home to save paying childcare and now some have the cheek to complain about a 40% return to the office. Which highlighted to me that they were working with a child there so they’ve been advised to get child care now as they cannot possibly do their job properly with a child there. That goes for one of the managers in my team who has a 3yr old there all the time, but in her case her husband is there, though he’s usually in bed half the day and so he’s not really caring for her. It’s a joke and no more, covid rules that allowed flexibility around children at home ended in September 2020 when schools and nurseries re-opened and again last Easter.

If I understand correctly, you and partner’s financial viewpoint is that you contribute equally to the house and it’s renovation.

It seems to me that you have both discussed this work opportunity as a way to fund the renovations, him working away and you picking up his 50% of childcare/household tasks to enable him to be away.

So that’s a joint effort with a 10k reward. You can both jointly decide how to invest/spend the money.

Does that sound right?

I don’t understand relationships (either married or not, but cohabiting) where couples don’t just have a joint bank account and share everything. Surely that’s what being a family is all about? It’s really perplexing to me.

Agree, it's baffling. We are a partnership and family so it's all just one pot and thats it. I cant imagine splitting meals out, birthday gifts for friends and family etc, or one partner earning a significant amount more and wanting to go on more expensive holidays etc and seeing the other one struggle paying more to keep up.

scenarios like this make me glad that Dh and I have never split our finances. We just have one big pot, buy pretty much what we want apart form consulting on major purchases.
He has just had a small inheritance and I have been trying to persuade him to buy himself something nice for himself with it but he is insistent that it is our money.

@OverByYer

scenarios like this make me glad that Dh and I have never split our finances. We just have one big pot, buy pretty much what we want apart form consulting on major purchases. He has just had a small inheritance and I have been trying to persuade him to buy himself something nice for himself with it but he is insistent that it is our money.

Good for him. Lovely man. A rule in life is, financially mean = emotionally mean. Your guy is on the side of the angels imo.

I find not splitting finances equally really strange and I can’t relate to it at all. I have 2 dc and my DH has always earned more than me. Finances have always been shared, how could it not be? I find it baffling. I would be poor while my dh was rich.

No children here and we split shared costs 50-50 and keep the rest. I have the opportunity for overtime (though a very good month will be under 1k, not 10k) I have offered DH a share repeatedly which is always declined, so instead I try to spend the extra money on things that benefit both of us equally like house repairs, travel to see family etc

OMG cant believe you have such a definitive split of all the bills, contributions etc even down to exact split of child care. If I was him I would jump at chance of being away. If he contributed 50% then 50% of whatever he earns it should be but this does strike me as a bad way of money management in the longer term relationship.

Why don’t you have a joint account? You have a child and a home together

Couples who segregate money this way are imo absolutely insane, you share a home a life and a whole ass child, money should just be money regardless of where is come from. You are willing to share the creation of an actual life but not whoever's wages? It's a madness, I just don't understand. By all means have personal savings as a back up or nest egg but the month to month money should just be house money. One pot one source of out goings no problems. Or is it just me? Who knows, ask your partner don't ask us he knows the ins and outs

Of course you share the money - you’re a family unit with a child.

This is why joint finances don’t work in a family with children. Because it is impossible to have completely equal salaries/ hours of work/ hours of childcare for ever. Someone always ends up sacrificing their career and doing more childcare whilst the other advances.

@FixTheBone

I always think these sorts of financial arrangements are the road to marital ruin..... It makes everything seem so transactional......

Myself and my wife are both doctors, me full time, my wife part time. Everything just goes into a big pot and gets spent on what it needs to . Neither of us take the piss with personal purchases and talk to each other before big expenses.

This. Plus you might have to be honest with yourself about how your going to feel towards him at the end of his stint after covering the entire time with no respite for yourself. You need to put yourself a bit more majorly into what sounds like a rather over controlled arrangement even if you have felt equable about it up to now.

@Aprilx

I will never understand why people call themselves partners but then insist upon managing money separately. I find it particularly strange when that couple get married and still act like money is separate and / or when they have a child and still don’t pool money.

So I find that strange from the off. But seeing as you do this, then no I don’t think you can pick and choose when you pool money and when you don’t. But as I say, I think it should be pooled regardless.

Some people just want it that way. My DP is one. Refused at the start to even have a joint household account. We manage.