To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

Well he wouldn't be able to go if you weren't providing childcare would he?
Where would he find a random and reliable childminder for just this particular 8-10 weeks?

If this was us it would go into joint savings and dh would give me some of it as he would want to acknowledge he could only go away and earn this as I was home with our children. He'd also fill the fridge and freezer before he went and make sure the children had everything they needed.

Say he can keep it. And ask how he will cover his share of housework and childcare. He doesn't get to pretend this is free.

We have separate finances so I don't have the MN horror over that. I am surprised that you haven't discussed it with your DH though. Either he thinks he's taking on this extra work so he can put the entire 10k into the 'project' or he thinks he's doing this because he'll have some extra income. They're different motivators and until you know, there's no point tossing ideas back and forwards here.

Fwiw if I was working away which always necessitates longer hours, etc, then I'd put some of my bonus into the joint project but also have some for my own savings. DH would do the same - the bulk of the extra income into the joint project but some for himself since he's the one who has been away.

The other consideration is do you ever have the opportunity to work away? Because both myself and DH have worked away. We don't pay the other person extra for running the home and looking after the DCs when we're away.

I am the higher earner and can't imagine the attitude of someone married keeping a substantial amount of additional pay like this to themselves. I'm not saying I wouldn't treat myself but would spend a substantial amount on something that benefits all of us.

I'd suggest he puts some it towards childcare.

@AChocolateOrangeaday

DH and I don't have joint accounts, never have.

I am the full time carer for our severely disabled Son enabling DH to work lots of overtime, not to mention the promotions he has had over the years.

He pays all bills then what is remaining is split between us for "fun money" 50/50 including overtime and bonuses.

Also if he goes away on a trip with his mates he also gives me extra to enable me to pay for additional care should I need it whilst he is away.

It's worked for us for 30 years and because of this I now have substantial savings.

We are a family despite not having joint accounts although this is apparently not the case on MN.

I haven't RTFT yet but this!

I was married for 13 years and although we did have a joint account for mortgage, bills, etc, we also had our own accounts that our salaries were paid into and then we had standing orders to the joint account which was proportionate to what we both earned.

People are quick to criticise women who don't pool every penny they have with their other halves, yet on the other hand are also as quick to insist they have financial independence in case of divorce! It's a bit of a contradiction. Thankfully, me having my own account was very useful when my ex had an affair.
A friend of mine just had one account with her husband and she has to ask him before she buys anything over and above household spends. She can't lend her children money if she wants to (even though she works and actually is the main earner) and there are never any surprises with presents. I'd never just have a joint account with someone and not my own money too.

But back to the question in hand, I think the money should absolutely be shared. Any 'left over' earnings were ours to spend but one off sums of money were always spent on something like a family holiday and this time away will affect you massively.

We don't know what the person working away thinks at the moment, neither does the OP. He might do the right thing and put it into the renovation fund. If he expects the OP to match it, he'll need to explain how he thinks she could do that.

So he hadn't said, he be hot the opportunity to work away, I'll get £10k which would be great help towards the renovation.

I don't get it at all!

It's a shared goal. Why did it have to be 50/50 if one has substantially more than the other?

Odd

We don't pay the other person extra for running the home and looking after the DCs when we're away.

What about when it's a significant amount of money over and above your normal salary like this is?

Well if you think you should have a share of his money you are literally talking about shared finances.

If you have separate finances then he should keep the £10k. Maybe you review the 50/50 split for this calendar year since he will earn more than you this year.

You are both putting the effort in and making sacrifices to earn that £10k, so when it goes into the house, it should be counted as £5k each.

@MorningStarling
"You've decided this way is fairest and cannot back out for special occurrences like this"

Of course you can, because it is a special occurrence. This is why women with children suffer greater poverty and get fucked over after couples split.

You aren’t really partners with your current setup. He gets to go earn and you have to juggle earning and a child. It’s ridiculous.

This is why couples pool money. If you don’t want to do that, perhaps he could pay you for providing care for his child. Even just your daily setup is unfair as you career is the one facing potential damage by working without proper child care. He needs to pay a hefty premium if he wants to travel for work.

In normal circumstances the money would be seen as family money, as it clearly should be.

But you've already discussed your finances and agreed to keep your finances are separate, so that's what they are. I'm not sure you can change the terms of the arrangement the moment you're able to benefit.

I do a lot of well paid overtime, but I’m only able to as DH watches DC.
So I usually pay the family holiday with it.

If you can’t do that, then he can “ pay “ you an amount for childcare

Maybe going forward yous need to discuss how to split your finances and if he’s going to keep doing o/t, if there’s a better way

@Homealone01

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

It should be both your contribution to the pot I’d say as you are contributing in a different way.

OP, given you already know how this money is going to be spent then it is a very simple conversation. You tell him that you understand that this money so to go towards the house renovation and you hope he doesn't expect you to match 10k contribution towards the cost given you take care of the entire childcare arrangements during his long absence

@Minionbums

Does your boss know you only work for 3-5 hours a day and spend the rest of your time looking after your child?? I know that’s not the point of your message but if you had a different job you’d have to start paying for childcare.

I got the impression that the OP works 3-5 hours until her DH comes home and finishes her working day later - but I might have misunderstood that

I find it a bit odd you are spending all this time and energy thinking about it instead of just discussing it with him. Surely he likely already assumes the money will go towards the renovations?

I think if he's putting it towards the renovations then it counts as family money.

@DrSbaitso

We don't pay the other person extra for running the home and looking after the DCs when we're away.

What about when it's a significant amount of money over and above your normal salary like this is?

We still don't because we don't breakdown hours spent watching the DC. It's fine if other couples do but we decided that was too finicky for us because we both rely on each other to watch the DC at different times. If we paid each other for childcare during work trips, would we also pay when DH was away looking after MIL? Or when I was staying with my DF? It just never made sense to us to pay each other for childcare.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.
If he doesn’t like the paying childcare and housekeeping plan, or the sharing the extra income plan, then I’d find some short term work, say 8-10 weeks, that necessitated full evenings and nights/weekends, say to be less disruptive I can move to a friends for 2 months, and he is left to it. Obviously it’s irrelevant that he’d also have to parent full time for those two months as well as his usual work as he’s already decided that doesn’t count as a contribution to the family, so you are free to do this anytime. (Funnily enough I suspect he would see this as quite different, but I would absolutely at a minimum go and stay somewhere for a week to highlight how the parenting contribution is not negligible and cannot be left out of the equation nor taken for granted.)

Another poster made the good point that what if someone were offered a better paying job with longer hours? Do they get to take it, keep the extra, and have the other partner simply have to step and cover at home, sacrificing their own ability to take a higher paying job that requires longer hours? I just don’t see how this works for a couple with children.

If you were going away, would he let you keep the overtime and happily do the extra work all by himself?
Or would he either a) neglect house and child or b) get in help?

Look. You've got a kid together. Get married, put all income into a joint pot, set up a standing order of "pocket money" to your individual accounts, and make sure that both of you are pulling your own weight when all non-fun activities are totted up. That means neither of you get to bury your head in the sand when it comes to housekeeping, childrearing, or insuring long-term financial stability (which ideally means both of you have viable careers, in case something happens to one or the other).

Remember children are not a "female hobby" - they are the pride and responsibility of both parents.

2 options:

1. It becomes a joint contribution to the renovation fund- he is contributing money, you are contributing childcare which allows him to do this.

1. You charge him for covering his share of the childcare and household responsibilities while he is away, then you can decide whether to use it to pay for childcare / cleaning help.

He doesn’t get to keep all the money AND freely jettison all his household and childcare duties.

YABU

I'd be annoyed if my DH suggested it to me and would think it was a little grabby if they had a cushy job which involved 3-5 hours actual work a day and was paid full time wage . Not like I'd be going out splashing it all on myself and I'd likely pay for some family related things but no way would I "pay" him for doing a bit of extra cooking cleaning and childcare