Page 3 | To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

Adeleskirts · 10/02/2022 11:26

@timeisnotaline

I’d say we can split it, or, he can keep what’s left after he has paid for an evening nanny 5 nights a week and one day a weekend for 10 weeks. You didn’t volunteer to support him in this opportunity so its family money. The whole attitude of what’s mine is mine is a problem though once you have dc I think. What does he think?

I struggle with this. Really? My husband is forces, I simply can’t imagine demanding he pays for a nanny to care for our child as I refuse to do more than fifty percent or I want paying for it.

Do people really live like this? They demand payment for looking after their own child or demand a nanny of work commitments mean the other parent can’t do fifty percent?

No wonder half of all marriages break down

LottyD32 · 10/02/2022 11:27

@Homealone01

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

You are both unreasonable. You live together, have a child together, but you can't share money? Bit ridiculous in my opinion.

anothername007 · 10/02/2022 11:27

YABU because you can’t change the rules so that you go in your favour. YANBU. I’m a SAHM which has facilitated my husbands career. All our finances are 50:50. Maybe you could suggest he puts the extra money to a big ticket item that would benefit you all, a kitchen? A holiday?

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 10/02/2022 11:28

I still can't get my head around separate finances when you have a child? Just pay your wages into a joint account and then there's no mine and yours. Im married but as soon as we got engaged and bought our house we just shared everything, so much easier. If you don't want to share money though you can't ask him for his overtime money.

drpet49 · 10/02/2022 11:29

* It doesn’t really matter what we think, you have an arrangement to split costs and the remainder of your earnings are yours. As such, for me, this is not your money and you’re not entitled to it because you need to look after your kid.*

^This. YABU and can’t have it both ways.

EmpressCixi · 10/02/2022 11:29

@MorningStarling

I think YABU because you have chosen not to have joint finances. Therefore after bills you both keep what you earn. You've decided this way is fairest and cannot back out for special occurrences like this. If you want joint finances, talk to him and explain why.

This is my reasoning too. You’ve agreed to not have joint finances. Demanding a split of his OT is joint finances by the back door.

I think it’s time to have a discussion about making some finances joint, even joint savings for joint goals paid for by OT like this would be a good start.

Your situation highlights why a couple with child(ren) should really have some joint finances as child rearing is intrinsically a joint enterprise.

qualitygirl · 10/02/2022 11:30

I don't get it...you both need the money, for what exactly!? Why do you want half? What do you want to do with it that's not a shared "we need it expense"? Or is it that you want him to pay for the "we need it expenses" but then give you 5k to fritter on shite? Because if you're planning on saving it then it should be joint... yeah it makes no sense whatsoever

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 10/02/2022 11:30

I don't think your current financial arrangement works, once you have kids, OP. DH and I do the same as you but we don't have DC (we had foster kids but the financial dynamics of that are different).

As soon as you have DC, one of you - usually the woman - is almost always going to be picking up more of the childcare/domestic work, to the detriment of her earning power and career. At that point, earnings should be pooled as a default. Otherwise the woman who is doing the vital family work and facilitating her partner's career ends up paying a financial penalty - and it's lifelong because it affects her pension too.

catscatscatseverywhere · 10/02/2022 11:33

"I struggle with this. Really? My husband is forces, I simply can’t imagine demanding he pays for a nanny to care for our child as I refuse to do more than fifty percent or I want paying for it.

Do people really live like this? They demand payment for looking after their own child or demand a nanny of work commitments mean the other parent can’t do fifty percent?

No wonder half of all marriages break down"

I agree. Marriages look more like business contracts nowadays. No shared goal towards family welfare and happiness. All about yours vs mine, as if you were unconsciously preparing to split up.

WorriedGiraffe · 10/02/2022 11:33

What do you ‘need’ the money for? Surely it just goes on that. Beyond that I’d say no you don’t get a share, because you don’t have joint finances. You having to do all the cooking and childcare doesn’t really come into it because your child isn’t a joint asset like your house, she’s your child.

Ultimately though joint finances make more sense with kids, then of course you’d benefit. From your post it sounds like you’ve made a lot of effort to make the whole marriage ‘fair’ rather than just being partners.

longwayoff · 10/02/2022 11:33

I wouldn't expect a 'share' of his overtime pay but I would ask him to pay for a cleaner while he's away. If he's a reasonable man, he'll have offered already.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2022 11:35

I can entirely understand where you are coming from. You say partner so I assume not married. You have separate finances.
Not saying you will split but if you do he has an extra 10,000 to start again facilitated by you providing free childcare for his child.
If pattern repeats potentially he has a lot more money plus his career benefits and his earnings shoot up. So if you split 20 years down line he’s now earning double, bigger pension etc and you are stuck on same wage as you have stayed put as job was family friendly. If you are married that childcare and domestic contribution will be taken into account in divorce settlement. No mechanism if you are just living together.
I think you are sensible to address it and probably it’s part of wider conversation. Living together own finances works as a young couple but if you are a family unit doesn’t often work as well.

Azerothi · 10/02/2022 11:36

It sounds as though you and your boyfriend thought through, and discussed, your separate finances very carefully and in minute detail. For some reason you left this part of the discussion out, not your boyfriends fault.

So, I think you are being unfair. Your boyfriend gets to keep what he has earned, other than agreed bills, as per your agreement.

rainbowandglitter · 10/02/2022 11:36

I wouldn't expect him to give you some. Wouldn't money like that be spent on joint things anyway like house repairs, holiday, new car etc?
I'd absolutely do more than my 50:50 share to enable my dh to earn more. I'd do more than my share to enable him to do anything he wanted in fact and he'd do the same for me without wanting 'compensating '. Isn't that how marriages work?

Fahrted · 10/02/2022 11:38

OP, YABU for suddenly deciding that you do want to share finances just because one particular thing has changed.

I personally think it's insane not for all money to be family money once you have children. I also think it's insane not to be married (or civilly partnered, as it has the same protective effect) from the pov of the person whose earnings and earning potential are affected by looking after children.

Jvg33 · 10/02/2022 11:38

@qualitygirl

I don't get it...you both need the money, for what exactly!? Why do you want half? What do you want to do with it that's not a shared "we need it expense"? Or is it that you want him to pay for the "we need it expenses" but then give you 5k to fritter on shite? Because if you're planning on saving it then it should be joint... yeah it makes no sense whatsoever

I can imagine the op and partner hiding away how much they have from each other. Can you imagine when it comes to paying for a holiday? There might be arguments about the last penny of who is spending more on their own child. How sad.

FaoinDrualus · 10/02/2022 11:39

What happens if he is offered a pay rise, but it will mean longer working hours? Will he increase his contributions? Or keep the difference while you pick up the slack?
Whatever you have decided, the same would apply here - if you haven't discussed that, its time for a finance chat.

alfreddo87 · 10/02/2022 11:41

Why do you have separate money? You live together and have a child. It's very bizarre.

Original poster

Homealone01 · 10/02/2022 11:42

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/02/2022 11:44

@Aprilx

I will never understand why people call themselves partners but then insist upon managing money separately. I find it particularly strange when that couple get married and still act like money is separate and / or when they have a child and still don’t pool money.

So I find that strange from the off. But seeing as you do this, then no I don’t think you can pick and choose when you pool money and when you don’t. But as I say, I think it should be pooled regardless.

This in bags.

For me there is nothing "partner" like about your relationship beyond the fact you bred with him.

ajandjjmum · 10/02/2022 11:45

If it were me, I would suggest the extra money goes in to a joint pot to fund the house renovation, as you will both be making sacrifices.

Grandville · 10/02/2022 11:45

I think that both of you are going to work harder to facilitate this money being earned. Since its for a specific, fixed spend it should be put towards the overall cost and the rest split.

So say reno costs £50k. £10k goes in from this bonus then you both pay £20k out of your individual savings.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/02/2022 11:46

Is he planning on not sharing it? If you need money for renovations I would assume that the extra 10k would just go straight to that. I think it would be odd of him to expect his wife to match that and think of it as only his contribution. You're facilitating his ability to earn it after all and you're married!!

WorriedGiraffe · 10/02/2022 11:47

What does your partner think about if the money should be split?

JustLyra · 10/02/2022 11:47

@Homealone01

I’m not going to be drawn into the comments that we should just split everything, family money, don’t understand our thinking etc. I’m well aware of that mumsnet minefield! There are many ways people work things that seem ‘fair’ to them and we’ve talked a lot about finances and how we want to split everything. We are both happy with the arrangement we’ve come to in general, it’s just that this is a special one-off, so I can’t decide whether it’s fair in this instance, hence my post.

Money is needed to renovate a house we own together. We planned to split purchase and renovation costs 50:50 and this 10k will go towards that. So really it’s whether this 10k is his contribution towards it, or whether we treat it as 5k each.

I also like the idea about him funding the childcare necessary, so my workload won’t change though, that might be another idea.

The 10k should absolutely be a shared contribution to it, unless he wants to pay for a housekeeper and childminder to do his shares while he’s away.