To think I should get a share of his overtime pay

[Homealone01]

Ordinarily my partner and I take home a comparable wage and contribute 50:50 towards all bills, costs and expenses, including those related to our 1yr old child. Anything left over we keep individually for ourselves; we do not hate joint savings. We also split cooking, house maintenance and cleaning etc. All of this we are both happy with and seems ‘fair’ to us.

We both work full time, him 8-4 in the office and I work from home. In reality, although full time, my work takes up about 3-5hrs a day and so I tend to do little bits during our child’s naps in the daytime, spending the rest of the time taking care of her, then my partner looks after her once he’s home, so I can continue working/cook dinner and then I finish off once she goes to bed.

Partner has the opportunity to go away with work in a couple of months and would be gone for 8-10 weeks (gone the whole time, including weekends). This work will attract a big increase in overtime pay/bonus, c. £10k, but it will also be very long hours for him. We really need the money, so I’m happy for him to do this, but it is obviously going to make my job a lot harder too, as for those 8-10 weeks what was 50:50 in terms of childcare, cooking, cleaning etc will fall entirely on me, whilst still trying to fit in my job.

So, my question is, given that him going away will make my job a lot harder too, would it be fair to split his overtime/bonus pay? Or am I being unreasonable, he’s earned that, it’s his money?

I can’t relate or understand - you’re married with a child - it just all goes in the pot.

You say we really need the money. Yet the arrangement you have means that he will get to keep it. Our view is once you have a children together are committed to each other everything is all in one pot and we trust each other not to spend it irresponsibly or selfishly, that is true equality, and respect for each other. You are fitting your work around caring for your child that is a massive compromise which he is not making which is not equal in itself, have you considered how it works when they don’t have naps anymore (which trust me happens suddenly) and you need to pay for childcare to get on with you’re work. etc what’s the arrangement going to be then? What happens if for some reason you cann’t work? (I cann’t because our DS has a medical issue that causes long and frequent absences from school) Of course people should be able to pursue interests for themselves but the notion of the rest is mine when you share a child is just immature. If he’s doing the extra because we need the money then we including your child should all benefit from it.

We have done different things at different times regarding household income. Now we have two children, we pool everything, and have the same amount of pocket money each.

My DH has a job where he gets a bonus. He usually buys himself something he wants and puts the rest in the savings. So it's a bit of both here.

In your situation OP, it's a bit different. My DHs bonus is just part of how his company pay is structured - this £10K your DP has the opportunity to earn is going to have a massive impact on your life and your child's too. I would not be happy about having all those weekends on my own with no lie ins and reduced adult company etc etc - then have my DH expect me to match the £10K I've enabled him to earn with no cost to himself. In your situation I'd expect him to spend a bit on himself, but put the majority into the house fund and see it as a joint donation.

I hope your and your DP can get on the same page with this op, good luck.

I can't understand why you split stuff in half, we have one pot all money is equally ours it pays the bills and we use what we need when we need it

Maybe spend the money on a new ruler and set of scales. That way every one always gets their exact fair share of everything.

I really couldn't live my life with my husband like this.

Whatever happened to what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine?

Looks like what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine here.

@Solely

Me and my partner both share bills and share housework, but that's it. He earns more than me and gets commission. I'm not going without - there's no splitting when it comes to family occasions or holidays etc - if we visit his folk he pays, my folk i pay. I don't ask what he does with his wages and he doesn't ask me. That's enough. He earns more because he works longer hours and earns commission. As a civil servant, I don't. If I'm struggling, I know I can ask. If there's something expensive out of my abilities, I know I can ask. However, I don't ever expect it. Whilst you think you're taking on the greater burden, I can honestly say, after working away from home that's not true. He is not going to be surrounded by his home comforts or his family. There is plenty he's sacrificing to be away. I hate hotels where you can't get up in the night, fix a snack, make a drink go in a cupboard and find that thing Im wanting. He's working long hours and that's also exhausting. He's earned extra. If he wants to give some to you, that's different. If he wants to pay for something in the home, also that's his choice, but I don't believe there's an entitlement.

I couldn’t disagree more.

Both DH and I acknowledge that being away from home is the far easier side. You can eat whenever you want in the restaurant, no need to juggle meal times around Rainbow, swimming lessons and the likes.
Bed to yourself, uninterrupted sleep, shower or bath whenever and for however long without having to consider the rest of the house.

Also, why is it solely his choice if he contributes his extra? He’s leaving his 50% of the work at home so does that mean the OP has the choice to say that she’s not doing it?

There really are some very judgemental people on here, most of whom would do well to take the time to read previous messages, at least mine, before making comment! It's very frustrating being judged for things that simply aren't true and I've already stated aren't!

I was about to write out a message clarifying what you've got wrong, but quite frankly, if you can't be bothered to read my messages, I can't be bothered to respond to yours.

What I will say (again!) is, there are clearly many ways to approach a life with someone and just because something works for you doesn't mean that will work for others or that their approach is wrong or unfair, it's simply different to yours (to be clear though, I'm not saying that all relationships talked about on mumsnet are right and fair, of course!). This doesn't make you happier or better than anyone else and doesn't mean your relationship is happier or better than anyone elses either. A lot of you would do well to consider that before posting (on this and any other thread).

@Homealone01

There really are some very judgemental people on here, most of whom would do well to take the time to read previous messages, at least mine, before making comment! It's very frustrating being judged for things that simply aren't true and I've already stated aren't!

I was about to write out a message clarifying what you've got wrong, but quite frankly, if you can't be bothered to read my messages, I can't be bothered to respond to yours.

What I will say (again!) is, there are clearly many ways to approach a life with someone and just because something works for you doesn't mean that will work for others or that their approach is wrong or unfair, it's simply different to yours (to be clear though, I'm not saying that all relationships talked about on mumsnet are right and fair, of course!). This doesn't make you happier or better than anyone else and doesn't mean your relationship is happier or better than anyone elses either. A lot of you would do well to consider that before posting (on this and any other thread).

But that's really strange to post on Aibu thread and then be surprised if some people reply judgementally. The whole point is you are asking for judgment in whatever direction. I don't read the surprised and critical posts as more judgmental than the way you run your financial relationship which is a form of judgmentalness too. I have to point out, you would not even be angsting about this 10k at all and your sense of unfairness about it if you ran your family as a community of financial interest. You and your partner could just then discuss how best to use the money for everyone, because you would be both accepting that the pair of you had earned it equally. That's how marriage operates legally speaking and actually it's how many parents choose to operate just because it seems fair to them as parents of the same child.

That wasn't really directed at posts like yours. It is possible to offer an opinion without nastiness, sanctimony and an implication that 'my relationship is better than yours because we do it this way', which, if you re-read this thread, you will definitely find. One even said I was being controlled, which is ludicrous! Many have asked why we don't have a joint account, but if they'd bothered to read my posts they'd see that we do.

@Homealone01

That wasn't really directed at posts like yours. It is possible to offer an opinion without nastiness, sanctimony and an implication that 'my relationship is better than yours because we do it this way', which, if you re-read this thread, you will definitely find. One even said I was being controlled, which is ludicrous! Many have asked why we don't have a joint account, but if they'd bothered to read my posts they'd see that we do.

It’s always the same with financial posts. Unless you have one joint account and are both free to just spend away for whatever then your relationship is inferior to many.

Unless of course you are posting because your other half emptied the joint account. Then you’d be lambasted for not having financial independence and a running away fund…

@Akire

If my partner was going to do that it would have to be for a family goal not as a reason to inflate their savings. You are a family and that length of time causes strain even more so when one of you has sole childcare. If it was for some family holiday, new car or towards home improvements then everyone benefits. He works long hours so do you with all extra home work. I wouldn’t be happy agreeing to cover all free home working and childcare when he’s not sharing anything either. At very mim you need some childcare to cover his share so you can carry on working and have some adult time like I presume you have now.

Good thinking! I don’t think I would be happy either but like Akire said, it depends what the‘profits’ are spent on, anything you both agree on and benefit the whole family. Also getting childcare to help you so you can try and operate how you normally do.

We have always had our own accounts but anything either of us have is both of ours.
Have you ever considered that seeing as you have a child xxx

Why do you have his and her money.

In a family you pool your resources together.

@Homealone01

That wasn't really directed at posts like yours. It is possible to offer an opinion without nastiness, sanctimony and an implication that 'my relationship is better than yours because we do it this way', which, if you re-read this thread, you will definitely find. One even said I was being controlled, which is ludicrous! Many have asked why we don't have a joint account, but if they'd bothered to read my posts they'd see that we do.

Oh sorry I haven't read all. I must admit I tend to blank out trolling from my notice on mumsnet, as it's one of the prices you have to pay for interesting debates online. Good luck with the decision and here's certainly a lot of food for thought. My own personal view - and I know it sounds oldsterish - is a man should be like the male fox who hunts for food and brings it to the vixen and pups so the vixen does not have to leave the pups to feed. If a woman doesn't want that protectionism and thinks it patriarchal then fine but a man who doesn't instinctively feel that protectiveness and pure selfless generosity, I think is mean. I say that having worked equally from the early days after having my babies but that was because we were lucky enough with our jobs to do back to back and my husband would use his off shifts to trail round after me to I could breastfeed in breaks. But it's that selflessness I think I would still look for in a father. If a man withholds money when he has a small infant to nurture and a nurturing mum to nurture, when will he not withhold? I'm not preaching don't put up with it, but I find it rejecting.

I'm not convinced this way IS working for you, OP, because you have no clarity on this very situation and are asking the Internet about it... when it shouldn't be a difficult discussion with your partner if it's such a good system.

We have split finances and pay things 50 50 although I earn less. If it was me I don't think I would ask but could he get some childcare in to help you so that you dont have to work look after children etc like a mad woman u til he comes back.

Look at it this way...he couldn't do it if you weren't looking after the baby for him so he'd have to pay for childcare of he didnt have u... but you will be looking after baby 24/7 whilst also working and housework so yes i think it would be fair for him to share..maybe not give you 50/50 of the money but could he use it to pay for soemthing joint like a holiday or new car or home extension etc...

I don’t think it’s being judgemental to point out suddenly this isn’t working for you. Because wife work and parenting aren’t being counted as input to the family, so he sees you as having no claim on his extra earnings. There is a similar thread although the dh there is a useless abusive gambler who she should get rid of, but he is also earning about 10k in extra work, she is expected to facilitate him working all hours by being the only parent around for the dc or keeping up the house for a couple of months, while he plans to pocket every cent of his extra pay. It’s not a fair or reasonable way to do things when your work hours involve your partner stepping up at home.