Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

[BananaHairFood]

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

But that's the point @SallyWD
She isn't happy. Otherwise she wouldn't have made the thread.

@arethereanyleftatall

But that's the point *@SallyWD* She isn't happy. Otherwise she wouldn't have made the thread.

She's not happy with the 3 hours of work between 5 and 8pm. I think she's happy with everything else...

But, imo, @SallyWD, it's the 'being happy with everything else' that makes the 3 hours 'work' worse. It means all her life's purpose is honed in on those three hours. For people who work ooh, then 3 hours spent with your own dc is actually pleasurable. Same action, different perspective.

She is not saying her life has no worth and she is not asking if she should get a job. Talk about projection!

She just wants her DH to appear engaged a bit more in the evenings. Whether you are working or a SAHM, it can be more frustrating if someone else is there at ‘peak times’ but not engaged, than it is having nobody there at all. That’s all she’s posting about. I’m sure she’ll talk to him and they’ll sort it.

If we ignore the monetary part of this, she basically is asking for assistance to help organize the dinner to bedtime routine, which applies to anyone with children.

Try doing meal prep in advance. Get kids busy in their routine, and make them a bit self sufficient for gear and homework. If you have to drive them around to various extra curricular, then DH should watch the other, or he could drive while you get dinner ready.

Kids can help with table clearing, have a bit of relax time, then jammies, bath and bed routine. Start with youngest to oldest. Or oldest can read a book to youngest while middle is bathed, etc.

I think you just need to take a look at the routine and get yourself more organized. While I do think stay at home mums should do most of the childcare, dads shouldn't be totally uninvolved.

Nope, if he's there he should be involved (and want to be). If he helps with homework and you do something else with another child, you will both have been involved with the kids and will be finished and ready to relaxed sooner.

When I was growing up, my father was the "breadwinner" but still cleaned, ironed, took us swimming, gave us baths, helped with homework.

Having a big salary does not mean leaving all parenting to the other parent. Sure - you don't need to work outside of the home. he does need to pull his weight as a father though - he's the only dad they have.

I get that a father should be involved as much as a mother in their lives. That's the ideal.
But...From the dh's perspective here, they have decided as a couple that he will earn all the money for the family and she will do the childcare. So, he's done his bit, in fact, he's done it really rather well and is happy to share it. As he should, great. But her bit, (which she acknowledges is a third of the hours of his), that should be shared.
Would you not be a bit pissed off if you were working a £100k job (I can't quite remember the figure), whilst your spouse spent all day enjoying the money you earnt, to then be expected to do 50/50 as soon as you were home from work?
I would be mightily pissed off.

@arethereanyleftatall

I get that a father should be involved as much as a mother in their lives. That's the ideal. But...From the dh's perspective here, they have decided as a couple that he will earn all the money for the family and she will do the childcare. So, he's done his bit, in fact, he's done it really rather well and is happy to share it. As he should, great. But her bit, (which she acknowledges is a third of the hours of his), that should be shared. Would you not be a bit pissed off if you were working a £100k job (I can't quite remember the figure), whilst your spouse spent all day enjoying the money you earnt, to then be expected to do 50/50 as soon as you were home from work? I would be mightily pissed off.

Yes, I agree that the ideal is for both parents to be equally involved. As the main breadwinner in our family, I actively want to be an involved parent and have always been very hands on. However, that's why I would never have wanted my DH to be a SAHP, because he would end up contributing very little.

Surely the whole point of having one person working and one SAH is that you are agreeing to divide the responsibilities between you. If the DH is still expected to share half of the load in the only bit of the day when the OP is actually busy, then surely she should equally be sharing the load with regard to earning the money.

You are lonely. And possibly bored. It would feel more equal and more of a team if you went back to work and he helped in the evenings.

Exactly @AlexaShutUp
And for the life of me, I don't understand how people can argue against that!

“Surely the whole point of having one person working and one SAH is that you are agreeing to divide the responsibilities between you”

Well, sort of, but not really. It’s not as transactional as that, I don’t think.

Families where there is a SAHM don’t really think about it as ‘who is earning the money,’ ‘who does this task snd who does that.’ It’s more a case of both parents just doing what comes naturally to them, really. Some men prefer to have a SAHW for all sorts of reasons. Others don’t. Very high earners / workaholics (speaking from experience) don’t really give a damn what their wife does in the day or what she earns or doesn’t earn. They do t register this. They are too busy! All they care about is the kids being looked after and are glad to have a wife who is prepared to go with it. That’s the truth of the matter. My DH and I never once had a discussion about ‘dividing responsibilities’ and ‘who brings the money in.’ He just did his thing and I did mine and here we are.

We've had a chat about it and dh has understood how I feel and has agreed he needs to be more present/involved and that there needs to be a cut off point for work at home.
I am very happy about this outcome

Well, yes @Palomo. I agree with you that many don't care what the wife does as long as 'the kids are being looked after.' But that's the point - the op doesn't want to do that bit! Not on her own, she wants that shared.

My own now ex husband was like that. Earns well over 6 figures and couldn't care less what I did as long as all he had to think about was his work. He did play with the girls, but no mental load involvement. And it worked for us. But the crucial bit was - after swimming and yoga and going out for lunch all day it would have been outrageous of me to expect him to pitch in equally once he got home. That was the first bit of work for me, he'd done 9 hours by then!

@Palomo yes 100000% to absolutely everything you have said in your last post. It's exactly the kind of set up we have, and we both love it ! Obviously I had one thing that was winding me up, and that was a valid point which dh has taken on board and has agreed that he needs to be more of a present dad. which has been resolved by talking about it, I really should have brought it up sooner.

I am astounded by the level of vitriol and projecting going on on this thread. I thought I had seen the worst of mn already but clearly I hadnt. My responsibilities or 'worthwhileness' has been reduced to 'three hours' which I find rather tragic, as it's women tearing women down out of sheer envy and jealousy. I can assure you all (not that you will give a shit) i am a very content, fulfilled person with high levels of healthy self worth and I do not need to justify or apologise for me or my lifestyle one single jot.I have noticed certain posters have really taken personal offence and are repeatedly re-visiting this thread to add more and more contempt and hate. I think that's a them issue and nothing to do with me. Apparently, one poster even thinks her life is happier than mine, all because I was annoyed that dh needed to spend more time with his own children. 🤣 were you trying to convince yourself or me about your happier life?! Regardless, I honestly wish a happy life for you, all the best ! 😂👋🏼 @vivainsomnia

I posted about a very specific concern as outlined in my OP, and I've had many fantastic and helpful replies as well which I have taken on board so to those posters , thank you very much, I really appreciate the wise words and the time you have taken to write out thoughtful replies, whether you have agreed or disagreed with my op. 💜

This is definitely a script written by someone trying to get everyone seriously wound up. Giveaways to me are the constant and passive aggressive 😂😂😂 and little details that are just wrong.

For example, school aged kids at soft play? Really? 🤔
And why so much tuition? Are all your children seriously behind at school?
And no cleaner? Nah.

🍌

@BananaHairFood I'm glad you were able to discuss and fingers crossed, find a resolution. We have a DH goes out to work and I do everything else set up which now with older teens shows up massive flaw's. I am still very much needed for day to day life, do they rely on me too much, yes probably but it means we have contact when they are far away. Think about the area's your DH is involved (aside from money - kids don't understand that properly until they are earning money and raising a family for themselves) and if the DC will be coming to him for those things when away at uni or beyond. My DH feels like he has very little relationship with the DC currently. They generally get in touch because they need something and 99% of the time it would be something I would provide them with. Get DH to think about how he contributes to your DC's life in a way that preserves his feeling of usefulness beyond money in the future.

@loveinthe90s get over yourself and have a 🍌 back for your efforts. 😂😂😂😂👋🏼

@TheTeenageYears that's really good insight , definitely something to be mindful of , thank you.

I'm in the similar position of having plenty of disposable income and relatively few demands on my time. I suggest adding a few hours of volunteer work into your week. The fact that you work out with a trainer is so great for staving off boredom and discontent, but (for me) volunteering is really what made me happiest. I found it also leant variety to my days and I was more excited to chit chat with my partner at the end of the day because I had more varied experiences each day than lunch/the gym. Maybe a little change in patterns for both you and DH would help the evening routines turn from a slog to a team effort?

Agreed @loveinthe90s
Luckily most posters are now just ignoring the ops drivel and debating it as a general topic.

@arethereanyleftatall I think you are the one who keeps coming back on this thread to repeatedly voice your spiteful projections against me .. so I think you're the one with the pointless drivel here not me ! I've taken the good from the positive and constructive replies and it's actually benefitted my life - all you've done is shown that you are obsessed with someone else's life.

@WelliesWithHeels yes that does sound like a good idea. Thank you, I can imagine how fulfilling that would be. I did look into one specific area that I'm very interested in but it seemed quite difficult to get into .. might have to try again.

@erinaceus I agree about owning the mental load and seeing it as part of my job - I see what you mean now, it's a mindset change I guess? and some of the very thoughtful replies on here (including yours) has made me understand this. 💜

You are "busy" for 3 hours a day.

Nobody likes a boaster.

@arethereanyleftatall

Agreed *@loveinthe90s* Luckily most posters are now just ignoring the ops drivel and debating it as a general topic.

Think you need to grow up and accept the others have different lives to you