Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

[BananaHairFood]

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

Oh wow, I'm not even going to bother with the bitchy replies anymore, it's getting ridiculous.

Yes yes yes to that feeling that he's not fully integrated into the details of family life. That's exactly how I feel in a nutshell. It actually isn't about 'doing' any particular task. Thank you to the poster/s for making me realise this , I will go back and find your names !

About outsourcing : a possibility but I'm quite particular about doing things 'my way'..hence the hovering around the tutor subconsciously willing them to explain the way I would have done so the dc 'get it' 😂 (which by the way, im going to try to stop doing as well, it will certainly free up some time!)

I think the details have fixated people and understandably so with all the cost of living stories etc.

What I think is that your allowance is about the same as you'd pay a housekeeper but that wouldn't cover the evening and weekend childcare.

So it's not a bad deal for your DH.

I also think a high flying businesswoman would muck in with the kids in the evening. She'd feel she should and she'd want to see them.

So there is some sexism here.

Sounds like none of us are contributing to your lifestyle so decide what would work better for you and do that. And own it, as the poster with the 4 DC suggests.

My post is affected by thinking of the surgeon I know. She earns most of the money but somehow still has the mental load and definitely doesn't get to switch off like OP's DH.

I'm guessing her male colleagues don't go home and sort swimming kits.

@Phineyj *What I think is that your allowance is about the same as you'd pay a housekeeper but that wouldn't cover the evening and weekend childcare.

So it's not a bad deal for your DH.*

Well but the housekeeper would likely have their own cost of living to factor into that?

OP pays nothing out?

We are in same position (except the allowance but, I just spend what I need!). Just have to suck up those 3 hours really.
Get the kids to sort out there own kit (good life lessons).
Stop supervising them so much. Will you be hovering over them at uni??
Get them to help sort washing. Find an ironing lady. I do the cleaning but I can't iron. I've tried!
I do get dh to help if I logistically can't do 2 things at once (I.e 2 club runs at the same time) but I also share lifts with others.
I do get him to do the evening dog walk but mainly because he wanted the dog!
You get the day to sort the stuff. I try and get it all done in the morning (and dog walk), but I am sat here with my cuppa on mn!

Yanbu. When does he see his kids? Hes effectively bought his way out of parenting.

[quote MichelleScarn]**@Phineyj* What I think is that your allowance is about the same as you'd pay a housekeeper but that wouldn't cover the evening and weekend childcare.

So it's not a bad deal for your DH.*

Well but the housekeeper would likely have their own cost of living to factor into that?

OP pays nothing out?[/quote]
Exactly.

The DH isn't just paying the OP's personal allowance. He is paying all of their living costs, bills etc, and all of the child related costs too. Half of all that, as well as half of all the housework/childcare, is the OP's responsibility, but he is covering the financial side of it for her. She is covering the domestic stuff in return, but doesn't think that's fair and wants him to do more.

If both parents worked and they paid for a housekeeper, they would each be responsible for half of the mortgage/bills and half of the housekeeper salary. As well as half of any child related costs.

OP, there have been times I’ve felt my DH is not as ‘integrated into family life’ as I am but, if you think about it, this is going to be inevitable with one working and the other not. In any family, money needs to be earned and the kids need looking after. In many families in 2022, both parents work and both do the evening stuff (though I’d argue the mental load still falls more to the mums, but they’d you go). In your family (and mine) you are just dividing what needs to be done differently. When it works, it works. But there will always be ‘flash points’ with the kids when it’s bedlam and he’s on the phone or something. You are only human and it can be annoying in those moments. But this is why you have to learn to really value the time and space you have (and he doesn’t) in the day. You don’t have the mental load of a job as he does. So, think about it this way - yes, you’re supervising the tutor or whatever, but his job is paying for it. So you are a team!

MN rules won't let me say what I think of the OP so I'll stick to lazy, self-righteous and shallow.

I wouldn't mind your life!

Mindful of hurting your feelings (not my intention) I would say YABU and that it sounds as though your DH works really, really hard.

I think sometimes people that don't work can forget how stressful work is.
Also being the SAHP doesn't automatically mean that you opt out of stress, it just means you get to spend your time focused on people you actually like.

When my kids are driving me batty, it is a certain kind of "unrelenting" stress. But it's different to work stress which sort of has
... sharper edges. The stakes are often higher, the people aren't necessarily people I would choose to be around. The clothes are less comfortable.

Your stipend is almost as much as my post-tax salary. I work 50 hour weeks for it. And I'm pregnant. And I have 2 primary school aged kids at home. And my DH works. And I have no cleaner, childcare (we used wrap around clubs), ironing lady or days off.
My DH and I use all of our annual leave on school holidays - we usually make sure they overlap by at least 2 weeks in the summer so we can go away. But due to Covid we haven't had a proper holiday in 2 years.

Seriously, even just booking our annual leave is like a military exercise. We still usually have to send them to some shitty "sports club" or "church group" for a week in the summer too. Whatever is cheap and won't kill them.

I have your 3 hours every night too. It's pandemonium. Laundry, homework, food, bedtimes, lunchboxes... but it's after 9 hours in the office.

I really wouldn't mind your life!!

Why not cook dinner and do laundry tasks whilst everyone’s out the house, then just reheat dinner. Then, you can get back to relaxing with the family in the evenings.

Failing that, use your £2500 a month on a home-help in the evenings to help dc with clubs etc, and serve your dinner for you, that’ll only be about £500-1000 a month.

I have had a really similar set up for most of my married life. I think the best way of looking at is even though your DH is around from 5pm think of it as he’s still working, especially if he is doing some work.
I think you both have a good set up and to achieve the maximum enjoyment from it is to get as much done as you can during the day so the evenings and weekends are free to just concentrate on the DC.

I don't think you've said what age the DCs are OP ? I think that would make a slight difference in my response but not much.

I think the division of labour sounds fair ( well actually I think you get a stonking deal if I'm honest) but it does sound as if your DH is somewhat disassociated from his DCs. Things like bath times and bed times are a chore, but they're also an opportunity to bond with your DC. I only have one and may be misty eyed through memory, but now DS is a teen I miss the days I used to put him to bed and he'd grab my arm when we were snuggling and say that he was never going to let me go (although it was deeply annoying at the time).

Your days are free, his are not. His evenings should be free, you should suck it up or just ltb if you are solvent. He sounds so lazy

I recently hired someone to help with laundry and my dream is to buy a launderette style dryer that dries whole loads in 30 minutes.

Ask him to pick a child to do one stubbornly each evening for 30 minutes. Give him the list of activities and children. And if he wishes to skip a night that's fine. It's more that different streams of activity are compounding at one time point.

For me, the laundry is most complete at the end of the day.

All the best

OP, there have been times I’ve felt my DH is not as ‘integrated into family life’ as I am but, if you think about it, this is going to be inevitable with one working and the other not.

Totally agree. I would hate this but that's why I work and we divide household work and child wrangling equally.

If you don't want to do that, there are some tweaks you can make like getting your DH to be more present when he isn't working and getting the work/home boundary clearer but fundamentally you signed up for this arrangement of being a SAHM while he works.

@sairiegamp and you've gathered that from the fact that I expect my dh to be more involved in his dcs life than he is at the moment?

Your post says a lot more about me than it does about you 🤢

About you than it does about me , even 😂

@anonno1 hmmm yes I see where you're coming from.

Clearly going against the grain but I think your dh should help out in the evenings. We only have 2 kids but I remember the rush of homework, dinner, bath and bedtime and I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with it alone on a permanent basis. Fwiw I was a sahm too but if dh was home he always joined in with bath and bedtime at least, (he wasn’t usually back in time for homework so I always dealt with that). As a result dh and the kids are super close. Whether he brings in a lot of cash or not your dh shouldn’t just check out of family life and I think if you’d not mentioned your lifestyle you’d have got very different answers.

@BananaHairFood

Thanks for all the replies so far. I've considered a nanny in the evenings but I feel that it's only roughly 3 hours in the evenings which would mean they'd hardly get any parent time.

It's not a joke or a wind up! Jesus 🔥😂

Wow this HAS to be a joke.

OP you do seem to come across as unapologetically entitled and that’s why you have so many backs up and a multitude of scathing replies. What did you genuinely expect?

Saying that you were trying to add context regarding your life by giving £specifics is very tone-deaf.

Are you genuinely unable to see how entitled you sound? Perhaps you should consider doing something more productive / personally challenging with all your free time so you can see how you come across in the wider social context of forums like Mumsnet.

Wow, you can tell you don't work if you find that stressful. Most people juggle that having worked all day too. I think you have rather lost touch with reality of what is actually stressful and hard work.

I think you should suck it up and it is fair. It's only a few hours a day. I would have dinner and laundry already done so you can completely focus on the dcs. Work out a system and stick to it. Our evenings are done to a pretty strict routine here as the turn around between collecting dcs, dinner, homework, household chores and bedtime is very tight.

Have you asked you DP to help out with supporting homework? He may think you enjoy it or don't need help if you haven't asked.

Nope I GATHERED that because you
A.asked about fair division of labour and only now after a PP suggested it are you talking about your DH not being involved sufficiently
B. Spend most of your days pleasing yourself in a shallow manner
C. Are salty if not rude in your responses to posters
D. Don't know the difference between Labour and labour

Ooh OP I think you've set yourself up a bit here, you live a very privileged life and perhaps you have lost a bit of perspective.

You categorically do not 'work' more hours than your husband. You seem to leave all your household jobs until the afternoon when your kids are home which is a bit stupid really. Manage your time better and stop creating tasks for yourself like supervising the tutor you are paying to educate your child

You will find evenings much less stressful if you do more during the day, freeing up some downtime at night.