Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

[BananaHairFood]

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

Is this post a joke??? If it is actually real then you are being extremely unreasonable… you’re coming across as entitled and lazy moaning about a few chores. What planet are you on!!

If I could get the kids taken care of, the housework, have someone on call 7 days a week to deal with sick kids/tutors/deliveries, do my hobbies both weekend days, work all l liked and have some company on a Saturday night to watch a movie, I'd pay 2.5k pcm if it left me plenty over. I'd probably run the odd bath too.

They are both lucky!

Haha @Phineyj that's spot on and dh says as much and really appreciates what I do, and I do besides the odd niggle! 😄 he actually calls me 'the backbone' of our life.. Also like you mentioned earlier, he loves his work! He is his own boss and he has all the space and time to progress and work and grow as he likes, but that's very much a growing and succeeding together for us as we founded the business together.

.... also, on the day I decided to do my laundry early..... my dryer has packed up 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ currently on hold for the past hour to get a repair booked in! (And don't you all come at me for poor diddums on hold for an hour , boohoo yada yada because I've said it for you 😂😉)

@Phineyj

If I could get the kids taken care of, the housework, have someone on call 7 days a week to deal with sick kids/tutors/deliveries, do my hobbies both weekend days, work all l liked and have some company on a Saturday night to watch a movie, I'd pay 2.5k pcm if it left me plenty over. I'd probably run the odd bath too.

They are both lucky!

But that assumes that all of the tasks that you have listed are 100% the DH's responsibility, on top of all of the financial burden. And that he is essentially paying to outsource that responsibility to the OP.

In fact, it is a shared responsibility between the OP and her DH, so if it was going to be outsourced, the DH would only need to pay for 3.5 days a week. The other 3.5 days would be down to the OP anyway. As would half of the mortgage, bills, child related costs etc, to which she currently doesn't contribute.

When you look at it like that, I don't think it is such a good deal after all tbh.

Objectively/rationally, The fact that you're upset about this is actually absurd. And I mean that kindly. My point is, you are upset about working 3 hours a day. I'm sure you're well aware that that isn't normal, you probably worked 8 hours per day pre kids, 8 hours per day at school. Which must mean, that you're actually very upset with your life. But where you're struggling is that you think you shouldn't be. On the outside, your life seems lovely, and you know that, so you can't voice that you're not happy. Everyone assumes that they'd love to be on holiday all the time, but actually they don't. Maybe admit to yourself that you don't like the 5-8 element so much that you'd actually rather have a paying job. And that's fine.

@BananaHairFood

Haha *@Phineyj* that's spot on and dh says as much and really appreciates what I do, and I do besides the odd niggle! 😄 he actually calls me 'the backbone' of our life.. Also like you mentioned earlier, he loves his work! He is his own boss and he has all the space and time to progress and work and grow as he likes, but that's very much a growing and succeeding together for us as we founded the business together.

.... also, on the day I decided to do my laundry early..... my dryer has packed up 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ currently on hold for the past hour to get a repair booked in! (And don't you all come at me for poor diddums on hold for an hour , boohoo yada yada because I've said it for you 😂😉)

You really do come across like a truly wonderful person OP 🤣

Come on, admit it, you’re auditioning for the part of Amanda in the Motherland stage show aren’t you..

The only issue I'd have is if your husband has more than £2500 allowance per month for himself. I really don't like that phrase if your husband has access to more than that and can spend what he likes.
Re: the division of labour, I think it's fair. I'd look at how much leisure time you both have. He works in the day and you seem to have a lot of free time, then you're busy for 3 hours while he's having some time to himself.

"No amount of money or prestige is going to buy nor get the OP more time during those 3 hours where she's having to cram everything in.

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.

However as the OP is considered privileged because her husband is wealthy it seems to be a free for all for everyone to be nasty to her.

I wouldn't give a toss if her husband was Prince William or Elon Musk;he has no excuse for not doing something to help even if it's only for half an hour although an hour is definitely more acceptable.

He is the children's father,he should be doing something with them in the evening if he's home at 5 like doing bath time.Just because the OP gets a huge allowance doesn't mean she's her husband's slave;this is 2022;I thought we're supposed to be abit more progressive than that.

Here again are other women setting the bar at floor height for a man who's not doing anything to spend time with his own kids just because he has a lot of money."

Totally agree with this!

I know a lot of couples who work FT but then have nannies / babysitters to pick up the kids and do bed and bathtime, it's not always necessary in terms of their jobs but makes life easier for everyone (both man and woman). No judgement here.

And yes, I do think the OP's husband should be helping out, whether OP is working or not. Evenings with three kids can be super hectic and stressful. If and when OP's hubby is not working then he should be helping out.

If you do feel that he is not as integrated into family life as you would like, at least you have pinpointed the problem.

Depending on his temperament, you might be able to discuss this with him directly. Given the practicalities of your situation (and perhaps unusually on MN) in this specific situation you might not be reasonable to expect him to take on the mental load, I don't think. But if you are able to own the mental load a bit more as your job, that of itself might help you to resent it less. If you don't feel fulfilled having this as your job, that's sort of a separate discussion.

Can you do things to integrate into family life a bit more?

From what you have said, I think that you have a really lovely life set-up, OP. I say that honestly and kindly. Maybe take a moment to appreciate that.

Working for most people is a real drag that they have to go on doing well past when they’d like to stop. You are very lucky.

I actually thank you for your post. When I'm off and not on holiday and go to my gym club in the morning, I see quite a few like you with their personal trainers. I used to envy them desperately. What a life it must be, heavens!

Reading your post and I realise that like you, they probably don't even appreciate how lucky they are and focusing on the one limited part of their life that is just normal and feeling resentful for it.

My life has been 10 times if no more harder work than yours, and yet somehow, I feel no resentment and instead thank my starts for the life I have. I bet I'm much happier than you.

It's just shows that money, and time doesn't bring you full contentment. Better to have less but appreciate it.

That's exactly it @vivainsomnia

The less you have to do, the more resentful you are when you have stuff to do, which is really bizarre.

I remember when I was unemployed for a month, doing absolutely nothing, no kids, I'd sat there for an hour bored out if my brain, and my best friend rang - my first thought was 'fuck off.'

Op - I honestly think you'd be happier if you got a job. Just a little one, maybe a lunch time shift in a cafe. It's just so nice earning your own money.

At the moment, all your 'worth' is decided in your input of those 3 hours, and that's hard mentally.

[quote PaddleBoardingMomma]@Hawkins001

Because...

If it was a genuine question it could have been asked in a much more approachable way couldnt it?

"Husband works 8 hours a day, I don't work but run the home, but have plenty of free time during the day to myself. However, during the evenings I have to do a majority of the stuff with the kids by myself for a couple of hours" or something along those lines, you see?

But no.,, she wants to make it clear she has a huge house and everything paid for and no worries and £2500 a month for doing nothing, it's all self indulgent nonsense so she can pay herself on the back for marrying into money.

At a time when people are terrified of being able to feed their children and heat their homes?

And no, by the grace of god I don't have those worries, my own situation isn't strikingly dissimilar from the ops but I would never dream of posting details of it in a such a shitty tone dead way. [/quote]
Perfectly put.

“I bet I'm much happier than you.”

What a weird thing to say.

From now on, anytime anyone posts on here with a slight niggle about an otherwise lovely husband, I’ll be sure to tell her, “Nah nah nah nah nah ... I bet I’m happier than you OP.”

Because that’s so relevant and constructive. And it doesn’t sound insecure at all.

But I do agree the OP did not need to mention amounts of money - nooo! Not on MN! You only have to mention you’ve got £50 and you’ll be accused of ‘stealth boasting.’ OP what were you thinking???

Many posters post about how little money they have to give a picture of their situation, it shouldn’t be any different for posters with plenty of money.
Maybe this thread has helped the poster gain some perspective and think about how she can juggle her day so she feel less stressed in the evenings.

Another thing that comes up for me is that if you do not need to earn a salary in order to contribute to your household, you could usefully use your time and skills in some sort of volunteer project and make that the place where satisfaction might be found. There is a reason that the "worthy ladies who lunch" trope exists, and I don't think there is any shame in getting stuck into something like that, given your setup. It could be very cool! I mean, if your husband gets more stuck in in the evenings, he is more knackered, you have to account for his behaviour in your mental juggling act too, I'm not sure that is quite where the problem lies.

@Bopping298

"No amount of money or prestige is going to buy nor get the OP more time during those 3 hours where she's having to cram everything in.

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.

However as the OP is considered privileged because her husband is wealthy it seems to be a free for all for everyone to be nasty to her.

I wouldn't give a toss if her husband was Prince William or Elon Musk;he has no excuse for not doing something to help even if it's only for half an hour although an hour is definitely more acceptable.

He is the children's father,he should be doing something with them in the evening if he's home at 5 like doing bath time.Just because the OP gets a huge allowance doesn't mean she's her husband's slave;this is 2022;I thought we're supposed to be abit more progressive than that.

Here again are other women setting the bar at floor height for a man who's not doing anything to spend time with his own kids just because he has a lot of money."

Totally agree with this!

I know a lot of couples who work FT but then have nannies / babysitters to pick up the kids and do bed and bathtime, it's not always necessary in terms of their jobs but makes life easier for everyone (both man and woman). No judgement here.

And yes, I do think the OP's husband should be helping out, whether OP is working or not. Evenings with three kids can be super hectic and stressful. If and when OP's hubby is not working then he should be helping out.

It has nothing to do with the DH's income at all. It's about their relative contributions to the household.

The OP's dh works during the day and works some more in the evening. The OP is free all day and then has 3 fairly busy hours in the evenings, which would be considerably less busy if she used her time better earlier in the day. I would think exactly the same if her DH was on a low income, it makes no difference.

I don't see how anyone is getting to the notion that the OP is somehow the DH's "slave". She appears to lead a life of leisure apart from a few hours each evening when she takes care of her school aged kids and cooks the dinner. If that isn't her role as the sahp of school aged kids, then what on earth is her contribution to the family?

Op I've not read the whole thread but the first thing that sprung to my mind was whether you've ever worked? Working teaches you time management and organisational skills that you struggle with.
Many of us work full time and have to fit in housework, cooking, laundry, studying, bedtime etc in after work yet you're struggling even without any work.

@BananaHairFood I think the actual issue is that you want your husband to be more “present”. Of course that is fine. You will have the chat and get it sorted as it seems he really appreciates you. Sounds like you appreciate him too. That’s lovely and a nice post in the end.

I have faced this question and my take on it has been that I take my "downtime" during the school day and once the children get home from school that is when my busy period begins. That way, my husband and I can both have downtime. I probably do less housework during the school day than I would if I wasn't going to be running around with the children from 3 pm to 9 pm, because I need to retain some energy to get to 9pm. But I can get most of it done. As long as my husband is ok with it, it works.

Now, at times he does have to drive the children to various activities, if two children are going in opposite directions at the same time, or if I have an appointment that conflicts with a child's activity. But I try to avoid that in my planning and it usually works out. I do not have friends who could carpool as most people already had their friend groups established by the time our family moved to this area. So it's all on me.

This period, where your evenings will be very busy, doesn't last forever. My oldest can drive now, so he can drive to his own activities, can pick up milk at the store, that sort of thing is actually a huge help.

This is a little absurd. My life is very similar to yours except that my children are preschool age so I have a part time nanny to help. I do understand feeling a little resentful because he’s “there” so could technically help, and I felt this way with WFH during covid. However your children are at school all day so you’re basically only doing the children stuff for 3 hours which is absolutely fine and you’ve had a break all day long! I don’t really get it - I would get it if they were preschool age and you were wading in the mire of screaming and shitty nappies all day and he was sitting there not helping. But that’s not the situation!

I’m interested in the allowance (and missing the point of the thread). What do you spend that amount on? Clothes? Treatments? Why don’t you just have a joint account like most married people?

Why don't you get a job within school hours so he can give you less spends and then he has to help more in the evenings.

@Yuckypretty

Why don't you get a job within school hours so he can give you less spends and then he has to help more in the evenings.

I think OP is more than happy to be paid £2500 a month to go to the gym and meet friends for lunch 🤣