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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

225 replies

BananaHairFood · 09/02/2022 22:03

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 23:09

'm guessing it's the hectic nature the situation becomes when having to manage the children, that I presume the op, struggles with.“

So, she needs to organise herself.

Seriously, feeding 3 kids, supervising homework/bath/bedtime should not be a struggle when someone has had all day to themselves.

EmJay19 · 09/02/2022 23:12

YABU

PrincessPaws · 09/02/2022 23:14

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.

Nope, she effectively works for a couple of hours a day, in exchange for a decent amount of money and a lot of leisure time. I don't care what her husband does for a living, she is being unreasonable.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 09/02/2022 23:14

Hahahahaahaaaa. Good one OP!

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 23:20

PrincessPaws

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.“

Rubbish. She does bugger all for most of the day.

PrincessPaws · 09/02/2022 23:23

I was quoting a pp, I also agree it's rubbish

wordler · 09/02/2022 23:24

To compare the labour - how many hours does your DH work each day including weekends, and how much downtime does he get?

How many hours do you work each day, and how many down time hours do you get?

I'd say from what you've said you have the easier deal in terms of hours - you also have a lot more flexibility across the whole week - sounds like if you managed your time a little differently those evening hours wouldn't feel like such a chore.

Do your laundry earlier in the day - do more meal prep earlier in the day or even work it into your routine so that you prepare a whole meal, including setting the table by 4pm - which means come 5-8pm you just need to take out of the oven and put on the table.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 23:26

PrincessPaws

I was quoting a pp, I also agree it's rubbish“

I see. My apologies.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 09/02/2022 23:30

Do you have any extra paid help around the house? My sense is that taking on majority of housework/laundry/cooking etc seems fair but support for the different children's needs could ideally be split. Helping with homework / reading / bedtimes could be really beneficial for the children and good for both parents to be involved.

Tempusfudgeit · 09/02/2022 23:34

This is a reverse and you're the hard-working husband with an unreasonable wife. Sympathies.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2022 23:34

Can you clarify why you think that your 3 hours of work per day should be shared with the person who works (without sharing his work) 8 hours per day?

cuno · 09/02/2022 23:36

You said it yourself that between 9 and 3, that is your free time, reading a book in the bath, seeing your personal trainer, having lunch out with friends. I presume you have about 1 hour in the morning to get the kids up and ready and to school (maybe 1 hour 30 minutes including school run if I'm generous), and then what half an hour doing the school run there and back after. And then you say 5-8 is busy with the kids, but presumably you are still responsible for them between 3-5. So if I'm generous that is about equal to your husband's 8 hours in the office. Although he also commutes to and from work so I'm not sure if we count that if we count your school runs. I don't think he needs to pull his weight any more in the working week really based on what you have said (unless there is a massive dripfeed), but I would expect any decent parent to be involved with their children, spending time with them after work etc regardless, but it seems you have said he already does this? It's a bit unclear, as you say he shuts himself away but you also say he spends time with them talking with them, but not doing the practical side of things in those 3 hours.

At the weekend and during term time, what usually happens wrt childcare, housework etc? Just because he has a good job, earns a good living, and provides you with a very lovely lifestyle through his income, it doesn't mean he doesn't have to lift a finger, and I'd expect him to do more during those times. But not necessarily after he's had a day in the office while you've been hobnobbing it tbh.

By all means, use some of your £2.5k personal spending money to outsource as much drudgery as you can (cleaning, laundry, meal prep, childcare outside term time). I don't think you should consider an evening nanny though, it doesn't sound like your days are exactly relentless.

Original poster
BananaHairFood · 09/02/2022 23:37

Wow! I was expecting all the angry people to come out and come out they certainly have ! Wowsers! 😂

Personally , I could never muster so much anger and sheer hatred over a strangers lifestyle ... but each to their own I guess! I am reading all the reasonable replies however and will answer accordingly

OP posts:
Hercisback · 09/02/2022 23:37

Most people do those 3 hours on top of a FT job. They then do more hours housework in the evening.

You barely know you're born.

PS. It it possible to put laundry away during the day.

HollowTalk · 09/02/2022 23:40

Why don't you do all the laundry in the daytime and prepare the dinner then. This would mean that those three hours in the day, which I admit can be very busy, can be devoted to the children. You have to admit it reads like a reverse situation because to absolutely everybody else you have all the time in the world to do those jobs.

bellsbuss · 09/02/2022 23:42

Similar setup apart from we still have a mortgage and you get £2000 more than me personal allowance Grin I do everything which I think is fair as whilst DH is out grafting, once my chores are done I have a lot of me time. I think you're taking the piss expecting him to help out.

BobHadBitchTits · 09/02/2022 23:46

Do you even want to have children?

Chloemol · 09/02/2022 23:54

Seems fair enough to me.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 23:55

@BananaHairFood

Wow! I was expecting all the angry people to come out and come out they certainly have ! Wowsers! 😂

Personally , I could never muster so much anger and sheer hatred over a strangers lifestyle ... but each to their own I guess! I am reading all the reasonable replies however and will answer accordingly

Welcome to the world of mumsnet, where everyone has different perspectives and at the same time, some are very 😲, don't let the viper type comments, dissuade you, this is overall an excellent site and source of various levels of information on many topics.
PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/02/2022 23:57

Imagine being so comfortable and privileged that you've done so little the past few years all your braincells have died and all you manage to do in an evening is post this bollocks 😂

Money can buy plenty but unfortunately it can't buy a bit of class or tact.

Enjoy your trolling op, but don't stay up too late you've a full day of doing fuck all tomorrow followed by day dreaming about palming your kids off in an evening so you can realise your full potential of being entirely useless.

Hawkins001 · 10/02/2022 00:00

@PaddleBoardingMomma

Imagine being so comfortable and privileged that you've done so little the past few years all your braincells have died and all you manage to do in an evening is post this bollocks 😂

Money can buy plenty but unfortunately it can't buy a bit of class or tact.

Enjoy your trolling op, but don't stay up too late you've a full day of doing fuck all tomorrow followed by day dreaming about palming your kids off in an evening so you can realise your full potential of being entirely useless.

Why is it a bad thing that heaven forbid someone with different situational aspects, asks for help that heaven forbid is different from most of us.
PaddleBoardingMomma · 10/02/2022 00:05

@Hawkins001

Because...

If it was a genuine question it could have been asked in a much more approachable way couldnt it?

"Husband works 8 hours a day, I don't work but run the home, but have plenty of free time during the day to myself. However, during the evenings I have to do a majority of the stuff with the kids by myself for a couple of hours" or something along those lines, you see?

But no.,, she wants to make it clear she has a huge house and everything paid for and no worries and £2500 a month for doing nothing, it's all self indulgent nonsense so she can pay herself on the back for marrying into money.

At a time when people are terrified of being able to feed their children and heat their homes?

And no, by the grace of god I don't have those worries, my own situation isn't strikingly dissimilar from the ops but I would never dream of posting details of it in a such a shitty tone dead way.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 10/02/2022 00:06

*pat

*tone DEAF

You get the gist

Hawkins001 · 10/02/2022 00:18

[quote PaddleBoardingMomma]@Hawkins001

Because...

If it was a genuine question it could have been asked in a much more approachable way couldnt it?

"Husband works 8 hours a day, I don't work but run the home, but have plenty of free time during the day to myself. However, during the evenings I have to do a majority of the stuff with the kids by myself for a couple of hours" or something along those lines, you see?

But no.,, she wants to make it clear she has a huge house and everything paid for and no worries and £2500 a month for doing nothing, it's all self indulgent nonsense so she can pay herself on the back for marrying into money.

At a time when people are terrified of being able to feed their children and heat their homes?

And no, by the grace of god I don't have those worries, my own situation isn't strikingly dissimilar from the ops but I would never dream of posting details of it in a such a shitty tone dead way. [/quote]
I understand your perspectives and points,

but sometimes people can in general and myself included, don't always realise the best way to phrase something, and depending on different factors, sometimes people just say x,y, ect to explain their perspectives, but don't always realise at the time , how it could of been better written.

squashedalmondcroissant · 10/02/2022 00:21

@PaddleBoardingMomma I actually think 'tone dead' is a better phrase in this situation! 😁