Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

[BananaHairFood]

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

Seems fair to me. You have personal time during the day and he doesn’t. Yes you are doing the heavy lifting with dc but that seems to be the trade off for not earning to support family.

@PaddleBoardingMomma I have included the details because they were relevant to the question I was asking, I was giving some context and background information to my circumstances, by no means was I intended to brag or upset anyone. You really need to calm yourself down if reading about different peoples lifestyles or financial situations upsets you that much then maybe you're in the wrong place !

@Hawkins001 thank you , I've been on Mumsnet long enough to not take any of the viper nonsense to heart 😂🔥

I did say it could go down in flames 😂

Ok, I'm hearing everyone who's saying it seems to be a fair division of labour. Like I said earlier, I hesitate to get help in in the evening because we're already getting tuition for all the school stuff ( I was doing it before and it was getting far too stressful), laundry I can definitely change to the mornings to make it that little bit easier.

The dc are primary aged with one secondary.

@BobHadBitchTits not really, you fancy taking them off my hands ?

About weekends and school holidays : weekends dh works half days. We usually have a family day planned, if not we just chill out at home, cook dinner, movie night, that kind of thing. Sunday same again really. The dc are busy with various sports clubs and tuition etc in the mornings and then the evenings we spend pretty much together as a family. Sometimes they'll have friends over or go to a friends house. Dh also has his gym several times a week in the evenings and Sunday evening too now actually so it's usually Saturday evening we spend together. School holidays are usually me and the dc either at home or we go out if we plan something. (Farm, soft play etc). Dh is usually at work but will take the odd day off if we plan something fun.

[quote BananaHairFood]@Hawkins001 thank you , I've been on Mumsnet long enough to not take any of the viper nonsense to heart 😂🔥

I did say it could go down in flames 😂

Ok, I'm hearing everyone who's saying it seems to be a fair division of labour. Like I said earlier, I hesitate to get help in in the evening because we're already getting tuition for all the school stuff ( I was doing it before and it was getting far too stressful), laundry I can definitely change to the mornings to make it that little bit easier.

The dc are primary aged with one secondary. [/quote]
Your welcome, I missed the flames part, but it's been a good debate.

Fair play, I made a pickle, just 're read your post op, ops my bad for not focusing on the details

You only get £2500 per month and he's only on a six-figure salary tsk tsk .You should have chosen better then you'd be able to afford a nanny and a housekeeper, and you would have no demands on your time in the evening.

@qualitygirl I did have someone who did my ironing and a few other bits and pieces, I think maybe i felt like when my youngest dc went full time that I could manage to do everything myself, but I'm actually struggling and judging by some of the replies on this thread , I'm basically a useless, brainless piece of shit because of it! 😂 gotta love mumsnet. 🔥

Ps, for the poster who said I wanted a pat on the back for marrying into money.. I didn't..but I certainly helped him to get where he is today. And I think I deserve a pat for that for sure! 👏🏼

@LorelaiDeservedBetter haha true, I settled far too young in life 😂

@Hawkins001 it has been a wonderful debate indeed! I will wake up and definitely be a lot more grateful and un-resentful as a result 🥴 but dh will still need to do bedtime

I love your post OP. See all the green envy weeping from people's pores!!!

So I'm like you but reverse role. My DH looked after the kids whilst I worked and brought in a good salary.

He did everything except shopping and sorting the kids at night and taking them out at the weekend. Do I think you have a fair division of labour? Yes, I do. Could the help with homework be staggered? Start one child when trying come in from school, then the next, etc. I'd also think about using a slow cooker so you can prep the meal earlier. My DH died when my kids were 13/14. I had to give up work. It was hell for all of us. I bought a slow cooker then and churned out meals that were pretty good, but that took little time to prepare.

Good luck x

@WashableVelvet haha you're right of course ! Why do I supervise the people who are teaching my children ?! 😂 I guess I just want to know how they're getting on, maybe it's a subconscious thing from being around when they're usually working at home and need me on hand to help with the tricky bits.

@Dibbydoos oh heck I wasn't expecting that about your dh... I'm So so sorry for your loss how long has it been now ? Are you back to work now ?

@Dibbydoos oh yes and I'm practically swimming in a green sea here 😂💚

@Dibbydoos I've tried the slow cooker and no one liked it !!! I could maybe try a few different recipes but I won't hold my breath as I really don't think anyone enjoys that style of food, although I really do!

The homework help is staggered already, in theory but doesn't always work out that way. Especially with my youngest , as soon as they see me sat with an older sibling it's time to run around the table/grab the pencils and run away/cause general mayhem and distraction 😂😩 we have an hour and a half between this cheeky one's bedtime and the middle dc, so I try to fit their homework time in at this point. My eldest dc is very self motivated and manages everything alone now unless there's an assessment and then I help with revision practice/exam style question papers, that sort of thing.

@BananaHairFood

I'm not reading all the replies on this thread. I think you are brave to start it and I know some people will be jealous of your life.

I'm in a similar situation to you albeit with 3 younger DC. No mortgage on family home but we do have buy to let mortgages.

I don't have an allowance. I can however pretty much buy anything I want: not that I do. I don't spend much on myself. 90% of the clothes in our dressing room are from TU. I wouldn't say we are extravagent.

I hired a cleaner during my last pregnancy and she is still around. It frees up a lot of time so I can do more of the after school stuff. Could you not do the same?

I also prepare lots of meals in the slow cooker while DC are at school so I'm not faffing around after school.

DH works longer hours than your H, but he occasionally works from home and if he does I expect (and ask!) him to give me a hand with dinner prep, bath times, homework etc. It is a lot of work with three DC. Also, my older DC also put their own laundry away which helps! You are not unreasonable though to expect some help from DH after school, especially if he is home by 5pm on weeknights, regardless of his earnings!

I think you just need to manage your time better. Fundamentally all you're doing that you need to do at that time is cooking a meal and keeping the kids safe. You're paying for someone to help them with their work, you have no reason to hover whilst they do that (and I bet the tutor will thank you not to hover). Your two eldest really should be independent with their homework and only seeking your help if they are really struggling, so again no need to hover. So you've one to jolly along with homework and a meal to cook. It's not really that much on your plate. Look at it like you're earning your 2500, which is more than a lot of people earn working full time! Getting a nanny for the 3 or so hours a night you actually have to parent is just madness!

@thenewduchessoflapland

No amount of money or prestige is going to buy nor get the OP more time during those 3 hours where she's having to cram everything in.

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.

However as the OP is considered privileged because her husband is wealthy it seems to be a free for all for everyone to be nasty to her.

I wouldn't give a toss if her husband was Prince William or Elon Musk;he has no excuse for not doing something to help even if it's only for half an hour although an hour is definitely more acceptable.

He is the children's father,he should be doing something with them in the evening if he's home at 5 like doing bath time.Just because the OP gets a huge allowance doesn't mean she's her husband's slave;this is 2022;I thought we're supposed to be abit more progressive than that.

Here again are other women setting the bar at floor height for a man who's not doing anything to spend time with his own kids just because he has a lot of money.

But the point you're missing is he might be home at 5 but he's not finished at 5. Op has stated most nights he is bringing home work with him.

If you get 3 hours of “free” time in the day, then it’s a reasonably fair distribution of labour.

Whether it’s a fair division depends a bit, I think, on whether you are both getting the same sort of fulfillment from what you do. Is it that your resentful about having three hours of busy time in the evening, or is it that your work time is just about meeting everyone else’s needs while having them whinge and be unappreciative and then just do it all again tomorrow whereas when he works he’s been developing a role that gives him a lot of positive feedback - promotion, bonuses, status etc. - that tells him all his hard work is appreciated and he does it well?

You have a great lifestyle, but you don’t seem to have much agency over your life. It may be that that’s the problem.

How's about a tutor for homework?
It's not like you can't afford it.
Nice work if you can get it 😉

Do you do anything as a family, all of you together? From your post it sounds as if the division of labour is fair, but as if you have lives that are quite separated out. Perhaps your DH is not as integrated into the detail of your childrens' lives as you are and this bothers you.

I say this to try and be helpful not to be a know it all mumsent counsellor.

Have you considered maybe that you don’t find your ‘work’ enjoyable and fulfilling and that you’re maybe not meant to be a stay at home mum/wife?

As I say I’m genuinely just asking and seriously not jumping on the hate train. It just seems like you don’t really enjoy running a house which is fine, I hate doing house admin. So maybe it’s time to consider doing a degree course or something or another form of employment. Then you could outsource literally everything (it sounds as if you could afford it - again not a dig just an observation) and do something you actually enjoy.

I think that you feel lonely doing all the wife work on your own and would like if if your DH chipped in a bit in those hours to make it feel more like a family effort.

He gives you your allowance and has effectively paid you to do the grunt work.

Why not chat to him about it? Ask him if he could shuffle his after hours working around a bit to be more available for you and the kids at the key times in the evening?

Can you get the odd cook meal or something too, less prep with that, more time to hang out as a family.

Otherwise, it's a case of doing as much as you can in the other time you have to minimise the mayhem in those hours.

A nanny in the evenings?! For 3 school aged children?!
You’ve said it yourself, you live a life of luxury. Most people I know work and do what you do at night. If you’re honestly saying it’s too much dealing with your children for those 3 hours at night then hopefully you’ll never have to work because you will struggle!