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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

225 replies

BananaHairFood · 09/02/2022 22:03

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 22:31

@BananaHairFood

Thanks for all the replies so far. I've considered a nanny in the evenings but I feel that it's only roughly 3 hours in the evenings which would mean they'd hardly get any parent time.

It's not a joke or a wind up! Jesus 🔥😂

Still always worth advertising and recruiting for , those three hours can certainly help you, and then if they want extra duties down the line, you could then book them for e.g. A full evening ect as and when needed. Some help is better than struggling and over frustrating yourself.

Either way, all the best.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 22:32

So your kids are at school all day and you’re considering an evening nanny?

Had to set that out in writing because I couldn’t quite get my head around what I was reading.

Grow up. You’re a parent.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 09/02/2022 22:34

This isn't a serious post but if i am wrong about that and it is then you need to have a word with yourself. Seriously, if it's that bad, use some of your 2500 to buy in the dinner too, outsource the laundry or do it during your leisure time earlier on the day, and don't supervise the tuition... who supervises tuition anywayHmm and buy in tuition for the kids who don't get it, then you will have all that time back🤣🤣. I wonder, did you run out of things for your list?

autumnkate · 09/02/2022 22:35

Are you seriously resentful because he doesn’t ‘sort swimming kits’ when you have hours to yourself every day. I don’t think this can be real.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 22:36

The first insights on how a wealth (I presume wealthy family live or divide some of the duties and it seems a number of mumsnetters, seem shocked that omg people have different situational aspects than themselves. The horror.

AledsiPad · 09/02/2022 22:37

YABVVVU

But that’s not what you wanted to hear is it?

DDivaStar · 09/02/2022 22:39

You don't work, kids are at school all day. but you've considered a nanny for dinner, bath and bed !

Yes you're unreasonable.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 22:41

Hawkins001

The first insights on how a wealth (I presume wealthy family live or divide some of the duties and it seems a number of mumsnetters, seem shocked that omg people have different situational aspects than themselves. The horror.“

Doesn’t matter how wealthy you are. Lazy and disengaged is lazy and disengaged.

If someone living solely on benefits in social housing posted that they couldn’t be arsed to care for their kids 3 hours each evening, they’d be torn to shreds.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 22:42

@DDivaStar

You don't work, kids are at school all day. but you've considered a nanny for dinner, bath and bed !

Yes you're unreasonable.

How's it any different when family members are busy with other duties then hire extra help to assist with different activities ?
MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 22:43

OP is not busy with “other duties”.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 22:45

@MrsSkylerWhite

OP is not busy with “other duties”.
Ok fair point, but it seems the op struggles when it's needing assistance with the kids, so why is a nanny such a bad idea, as it's no different with e.g. Royalty ect ?
WashableVelvet · 09/02/2022 22:45

Yabu, obvs, as it’s 3h vs 8h of busyness. But can I say how much I love the idea of having an exhausting time supervising the people who are supervising my children 😂😍

Ywnbu however to get a laundry service, and to prep dinner before the children are home.

qualitygirl · 09/02/2022 22:46

@BananaHairFood why not find someone to do the laundry for you...that's what I do.
Lady comes on a weds and Friday for 3 hours...she sorts my laundry and irons, mops the floors and every second week she makes the beds.

But I do work full time...

mum2jakie · 09/02/2022 22:48

Lol 😆. How the other half live! I think it's a fair division of labour - live of bloody Riley to be honest! If this is genuine, I think you need to structure your time while the kids are in school to make your evenings easier.

Prep for meals, get all laundry out of the way. Are the kids activities evenly spread out? Just have a look at what is causing issues in the evenings and try to build in some shortcuts to easing the pressure.

MerryPoppings · 09/02/2022 22:54

YABVU. You're essentially getting the equivalent of a full time salary without having earnt it, have 5 days a week of me time, and are still resentful about looking after your DC in the evenings while your DH works?

I think you should be feeling thankful for what is a very comfortable life, not feeling resentful.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 09/02/2022 22:54

How about a housekeeper for a few mornings a week to prepare dinner and do the laundry etc?

Chilledchablis1 · 09/02/2022 22:55

How old are your DC ? Can they not sort out their own swimming kits ?

WineIsMyMainVice · 09/02/2022 22:55

I am really struggling to understand your dissatisfaction. I go out to work in a professional job and don’t bring home £2,500 a month. Yet you only have to do 3 hours ‘work’ a night to get this and you are complaining? Yea you might do some washing/housework but I do this too!! So do many others.
I really think that you need to start seeing the glass as half full.
Good luck for the future.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2022 22:55

Hawkins001

MrsSkylerWhite
OP is not busy with “other duties”.
Ok fair point, but it seems the op struggles when it's needing assistance with the kids, so why is a nanny such a bad idea, as it's no different with e.g. Royalty ect ?“

If the OP struggles even with very little to do, that’s the issue that needs addressing. Why is an adult person so unable to cope with such an uncomplicated situation?

(No idea about Royalty, etc., though suspect that working “royals” have more demands upon their time than OP does.)

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 22:57

@MrsSkylerWhite

Hawkins001

MrsSkylerWhite
OP is not busy with “other duties”.
Ok fair point, but it seems the op struggles when it's needing assistance with the kids, so why is a nanny such a bad idea, as it's no different with e.g. Royalty ect ?“

If the OP struggles even with very little to do, that’s the issue that needs addressing. Why is an adult person so unable to cope with such an uncomplicated situation?

(No idea about Royalty, etc., though suspect that working “royals” have more demands upon their time than OP does.)

I'm guessing it's the hectic nature the situation becomes when having to manage the children, that I presume the op, struggles with.
DuggeeHugPlease · 09/02/2022 23:01

If it doesn't work for you make a change - either encourage more independence in your children (they get their own things ready for activities) or as others have said outsource some housework/cooking/laundry etc. You definitely have the income available to do so.

Also super jealous as I work 4 days a week and still do all the housework/cooking/laundry/majority of bedtimes etc - oh and earn less than your allowance. But that's not the point of this, so will stop moaning and just dream of the days I can have leisurely lunches and PT sessions.

RandomMess · 09/02/2022 23:02

Your DH isn't resentful when you are out for lunch or coffee or exercising whilst he's working but you are resentful when you are working and he isn't.

bettycarver · 09/02/2022 23:03

No it's not a fair division of labour. Your dh is getting a really unfair deal bank rolling your gym and coffee mornings lifestyle

PrincessPaws · 09/02/2022 23:09

So you basically do a few hours a day 'work' for 2,500 a month and still feel it's unfair? It's really not, your work just happens to be for a few hours in the evening, and your 'relaxing time' is during the day.

It would be massively unreasonable to expect your DH to pay for this lovely lifestyle and cover 50% of your job

thenewduchessoflapland · 09/02/2022 23:09

No amount of money or prestige is going to buy nor get the OP more time during those 3 hours where she's having to cram everything in.

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.

However as the OP is considered privileged because her husband is wealthy it seems to be a free for all for everyone to be nasty to her.

I wouldn't give a toss if her husband was Prince William or Elon Musk;he has no excuse for not doing something to help even if it's only for half an hour although an hour is definitely more acceptable.

He is the children's father,he should be doing something with them in the evening if he's home at 5 like doing bath time.Just because the OP gets a huge allowance doesn't mean she's her husband's slave;this is 2022;I thought we're supposed to be abit more progressive than that.

Here again are other women setting the bar at floor height for a man who's not doing anything to spend time with his own kids just because he has a lot of money.