Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

[BananaHairFood]

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

Sounds like you think you are entitled to a life of just comfort and fun. You get that for most of the day so when you have to do a bit of 'work in the evening, you feel hard done by.

My advice is instead of focusing on how hard you have it for 3 hours, focus on how amazing guy good you have it for 5. How all together, you are incredibly privileged. That there are single mums there, who work FT who do all what you do fir 3 hours every evening after 10 hours of work and commute.

Also, do you ever ask your OH about his day? Do you ever show any interest in eat he does, that is genuine interest, not just polite one?

Put it this way OP, would you be any happier or less resentful if you were at work all day and has to cram everything into evenings? I doubt it! Yes, the onus would be on him to help out more in that time but, odds are, you’d still be going the lions share and you’d be getting no space in the day either.

My husband currently does a lot of his work in the evenings from home because he’s working with the US at the moment so on that timezone. I have never known when his working hours are and he used to travel a lot as well. When the kids were little, in many ways I used to find it easier when he was travelling, to be honest. This is because when there’s nobody else there, you just get on with it, but when someone is ‘there but unavailable’ it can grate when you’re at your wits end with kids. (I’m not saying DH never helped, by the way, but hopefully you know what I mean). But looking back, I still think I had an easier time of it than most women because I didn’t have the mental load of a job on top of everything else. Now that I’m out of the ‘blur’ of little kids, I’m very aware of my privilege and very grateful to him for facilitating that. Also, I think we are the kind of couple that functions better with more distinct roles because we own it - the ups and the downs. We own that we are different in our temperaments and we rarely bickered over who did what. It’s not about us anyway - we did what we thought was best for the kids, so that they have quality time and financial security. And less stressful in the family overall. Also, we recognised we each enabled ourselves to play to our strengths. It doesn’t matter who does what in a marriage as long as you have mutual respect. Everyone gets worn down with kids and life at some point and no set-up is ever going to be perfect. I learned years ago to look at the ‘glass half full’ rather than empty and I found this helps a lot.

@anonno1 love your last post, really helpful, thank you 💜

I think the way you describe your own relationship is similar to mine, we have our own roles and neither of us has an issue with what the other does or doesn't do because he is very happy and so am I. It's just sometimes , like I said in my op, I get a little overwhelmed in the evenings and it actually is a case of him being there but unavailable because on the evenings he isn't here, things seem to go a lot smoother ?! We don't really bicker either well he doesn't 😂 about these things, dh is a lot more chilled than me and knows I can get worked up over nothing at times and the next minute im absolutely fine ! I think I will have a gentle chat with him just about being more present when he's at home though. I don't really expect him to do anything, just be more ... there.

I think it may seem overwhelming, because its all a huge amount of things going on all in a compressed time, and thats what makes it seem as if you are 'doing it all' while your husband is effectively 'relaxing on his own'

However if you compared his working day to the moments when you are reading in the bath, or at your personal trainer, then it might look like a very different perspective.

I think you are struggling because of this compression - so perhaps see if there is some way to spread the load a little. Can you do some of the dinner a bit earlier, so it simply needs reheating rather than trying to cook at the same time as all this kid related stuff - are the kids eating with you? Is it just one meal or are you cooking for kids and then cooking for adults? If so half your work and make a family meal that you all eat together - it gets children into the habit of eating proper food and also gives you a break and a good positive bit of family time together - if they are startving when they come in, then just give them some toast to keep them going til tea time (Tea and toast is always given before prep at my son's school, for those staying on to do homework/clubs at school)

Laundry. Dont do this at the same time - you say its sorting stuff you put in earlier - maybe there is an adjustment to timings that can be done here so that it doesnt clash with the busy period.

You dont say how old the kids are - thats going to make a big difference. Are you dragging them to each and every activity that the others do - maybe they are old enough that they can be left at home for him to keep half an ear on while you take the ones doing the activity?

Its easy to feel you are getting the bad deal when you see his 'me' time while you are busy - but you dont get to see his busy time as he is out of the house at work, and I would assume his job is probably pretty stressful if he is on 6 figures

Imagine being so vacuous. This has to be satire. I mean my DP only gives me 5k a month for doing his accounting which takes me about 14 hours a week, I'm very organised, so when it comes to tax returns there is literally no sweat. I then also make sure our 7-bed house is tidy, we have the cleaner who only comes in 5 days a week, but I make sure it is tidy before he comes, obviously. Then at the end of the year I get a share of dividends in my DPs business because I'm a director.

Rosemary, our cook, she's fabulous at creating vegan meals, but I'm always learning from her. She shouts out recipes as I'm watching Netflix. Leviathan, our cleaner, he says he's never been to a cleaner house than ours, and enjoys our Netflix sessions, as do I.

I'm pretty busy with cleaning Leviathan, and I wouldn't dream of asking DP to help with anything in the house

“ I don't really expect him to do anything, just be more ... there.”

Yes I understand this totally as the evenings are full on. I remember meeting up with friends who were also SAHMs when my kids were younger and we’d all invariably be saying things like - “I’ve got one child vomiting; one crying that their best friend has dropped them; one needs a pirate costume and random cookery ingredients for tomorrow and the cat has diahorrea .., but yet there he is on the phone in the midst of all this, calmly discussing company strategies or whatever.’ You’d have to be a saint to it get wound up!

It’s easy to say all this in retrospect OP. (I’m 48 now). But when my eldest got into uni recently, my DH said to me he was so grateful that I’d done so much for the kids education and opportunities and how he felt he’d done nothing in comparison. But I told him none of it would have been possible without him - he paid for the schools fgs and enabled me to be there with them in the first place! I really respect him for that and I can say that now, but in the midst of it you don’t always see the wood for the trees.

Can I ask genuinely do you have a pension or anything for your future? I know you're financially secure in the event of divorce etc but I just wonder if you still pay into a pension?

Have you read this back and given your head a wobble! £2,500 a month and 6 hours a day for 'you', and you're moaning about having to do 3 hours sorting your kids out.

I think you've got it easy to honest, is there any reason you can't put a wash on after you've done the school run 🤷‍♀️

@FireMeetGasoline oh yes! I actually forgot about the dividends and being director but thanks for reminding me 😂💚🔥

Lol OP.

Yeah, LTB. Your 'D'H is an abusive cunt. Fancy making you look after your own kids by yourself for 3 hours.

Get a SHL and take him for everything.

Call Women's Aid.

You've got it made OP!!

@Wavypurple

I say this to try and be helpful not to be a know it all mumsent counsellor.

Have you considered maybe that you don’t find your ‘work’ enjoyable and fulfilling and that you’re maybe not meant to be a stay at home mum/wife?

As I say I’m genuinely just asking and seriously not jumping on the hate train. It just seems like you don’t really enjoy running a house which is fine, I hate doing house admin. So maybe it’s time to consider doing a degree course or something or another form of employment. Then you could outsource literally everything (it sounds as if you could afford it - again not a dig just an observation) and do something you actually enjoy.

I agree with this. The division of labour sounds fine and your days sound fine, but you don't sound very happy with the situation so maybe you are missing something like a degree course, or a part-time job, or even just a hobby.

Ignore the nasty comments, you sound like you've got a great life and it's normal that that'll make some people jealous, hell, I'm jealous! Good luck OP :)

@BananaHairFood

You are welcome. Don't forget about the dividends though

Lol, you get a £2.5k allowance a month and have responsibility for no bills?

Wow...yea....it's a really fair arrangement

Hello OP.

I wonder if part of the problem is you feeling like everything you do in the evenings is about 'serving' your husband and children. I totally get why that might make you feel resentful. Yes, your DH works full time and provides for you all, yes, it sounds like you have a lovely life. But your DH gets to go to work and interact with adults for his money, and then he comes home and his wife spends her evening cooking for him, cleaning up after him and dealing with their children. It's quite subservient really.

I'm not saying this is at all the intention of your family arrangement. But if I was in your situation and still able to appreciate all the positives of it, which you clearly do, I would still feel resentful. You don't exist to serve your husband and children.

Have you thought about getting a job and dividing the home roles a little more fairly?

It's obvious isn't it? Take the same three hours for yourself somewhere between 9-3pm. To be fair it sounds like you already do with a personal trainer and not making lunch etc. I think you are being greedy. You have lost touch with what it really means to graft in life.

I think the missing element here is that it's not unlikely the DH enjoys his job. A lot of high earners do...

Bloody hell I'd swap
(Not bashing my DH he's great but your life sounds pretty lush). I don't think you have any cause to claim unfairness sorry OP. Your husband is working in the evenings to keep you all in this glorious lifestyle.

Also, why do people have three kids and then whinge about helping with homework/sorting swimming kits and providing meals for them did you think those things would do themselves...

You have to care for your own kids. Poor diddums.
.I'm a disabled, mentally ill, single mother raising 3 DC on benefits.
I know whose life I'd rather have.

I'm all for equal parenting, bit you clearly have more leisure time than your dh and need to suck up doing a few hours of work a day!

Slow cookers can be helpful to ensure you aren't having to cook at the same time as supervising the dc, and clearly it will be easier to do housework at a different time.

Hmmmm. I think the problem is that however much you did in the day, you would still have this as a crunch point as the tasks are just not entirely movable. So yes, I would expect him to help you out for at least some of that time if things are getting tricky. More than that, I'd expect him just to want to join in with family life if he's at home after that time and there are children around who presumably go to bed soon after. I'd talk to him about this, and definitely try to persuade him that it would be nice if he was around spending time with you and the kids after say 6.30. But you should definitely be around too - not disappear off to read books in the bath or go to the gym!

@Chilledchablis1

Why are you sorting laundry during this busy time when you appear to have all day to do it ?

This. You should be getting the housework done during the day so the bare minimum is done in the evening, and evenings can be family time.

Thanks for this op

bananahairfood I'm starting to think this isn't serious. If it is serious then you're completely removed from the reality of how most of us live. I can't fathom how you can think you're hard done by.

You're so so lucky. 😣 it sounds more than fair.