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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a fair division of Labour ?!

225 replies

BananaHairFood · 09/02/2022 22:03

Hello you lot, I've name changed for this as I know this thread can possibly go down in flames 😂🔥 however ! I really need to pick your brains about this.

So. This is the deal. Dh works , Great income, six figure salary, not a huge amount of hours, usually home for 5, however does bring work home which he can do sat on the sofa with the tellly on in the background. That's all lovely.

Right, so I don't work , dc are in full time school so I'm pretty much 'free' during the hours of 9-3. I am responsible for all the housework/cooking dinner. To make life easier for myself, the dc are all on school dinners, breakfast weekdays is cereal or toast, so the cooking is essentially the one evening family meal. I also do all the cleaning and the laundry. I have no issue with this, I am grateful that we are very comfortable, we have a big beautiful home which is owned outright, and we dont have any financial worries or health worries whatsoever.

Dh pays for everything obviously as I don't work, this includes the dcs swimming lessons, language tuition, maths tuition, and all of my personal bills such as mobile phone bill etc. I also get a personal allowance of approx £2,500 a month. We don't call it that but its just money for me, to do what I want with basically. Also may I add, I am financially secure and have no worries about being left penniless in the event of a divorce etc.

I am very much into fitness and have a personal trainer who I train with three times a week, if I'm not doing that I'm either out with a friend having coffee/lunch, i also love reading so I tend to get through a lot of books in the bath .

All amazing so far .

So here comes the sticking point. In the evening, Say 5-8, is my busiest time with the dc, supervising tuition/helping with other subjects, language practice, cooking dinner, sorting the laundry I've put on earlier on in the day etc. we have three dc all at quite different ages so it does feel like a bit of a juggle between them and their needs. The issue for me is, I am doing most of this on my own without the help of Dh and this is what annoys me. I feel like he should be more involved with the dc and not just shut away in 'his room' enjoying the peace and quiet and doing some casual work while I'm on my feet doing it all. Don't get me wrong, he does sit and chat with the dc every day, about school etc but it's not exactly practical help if you know what I mean. Or is it fair that he gets this time because he works and I don't ? AIBU?

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 10/02/2022 05:49

@MrsSkylerWhite

Hawkins001

The first insights on how a wealth (I presume wealthy family live or divide some of the duties and it seems a number of mumsnetters, seem shocked that omg people have different situational aspects than themselves. The horror.“

Doesn’t matter how wealthy you are. Lazy and disengaged is lazy and disengaged.

If someone living solely on benefits in social housing posted that they couldn’t be arsed to care for their kids 3 hours each evening, they’d be torn to shreds.

Completely agree with this. She’s got tutors for the homework so has even less to do (I can understand this if you can afford it). OP, just be careful your husband doesn’t get resentful of him working and you doing so little.
Scrunchies · 10/02/2022 06:03

I agree re the resentful husband. If he is picking up undertones of this, quite rightly it could damage your marriage….because YABVU. If I was him I’d be furious. It’s not about what you earn, or your privilege, you just need to structure your time better. If you’re stressed about too many tasks in the evening, do some (laundry, food prep etc) during the day. It’s really not that difficult.

Grantingmum · 10/02/2022 06:07

Honestly? I don't think I could not work. It's great you feel so comfortable but I would be bored and feel as though I've let my younger self down. What are your ambitions? Just looking after kids and cleaning?...
If I was in you, I'd get a job, hire and cleaner and tell your husband to get his finger out of his arse and help in the evenings.

Hercisback · 10/02/2022 06:08

If someone living solely on benefits in social housing posted that they couldn’t be arsed to care for their kids 3 hours each evening, they’d be torn to shreds.

Absolutely.

I'm astounded OP even needs to ask.

I'd swap with you in a heartbeat!! 6 hours a day to do what you like, I barely get 6 minutes.

Nillynally · 10/02/2022 06:09

This is absolutely fair. You essentially get paid 30,000 per annum untaxed, with rent and bills paid for with lots of time off in the day, your evenings are busier because you're on shift essentially.

Rosieposie101 · 10/02/2022 06:12

Honestly I think you're being hilariously unreasonble 😂 my kids have a tutor and I don't just sit there watching them being tutored or supervising. If you can't leave them in one room with the tutor and potter around getting on with other stuff then maybe you need a new tutor.

Cook dinner earlier in the day in your many hours of free time and heat it up when DH and DC get home?

Sorting washing hardly requires your husband's help?

It really sounds like you have more than enough time and help to get on with a couple of things by yourself.

Rosieposie101 · 10/02/2022 06:13

If I was your husband and you asked for me to help you in this scenario I'd be pretty flabbergasted.

HeyItsPickleRick · 10/02/2022 06:14

I'm home at the moment on mat leave, albeit with a newborn, toddler (who I send to nursery) and a teen.

I don't really do housework between 5 and 8. I do things during the day or once the toddler is in bed.

I also cook in advance. Last night I prepped the veg and sauce for tonight's meal so I will just need to add pasta and cook it off tonight. To be honest I think if you're not working and have no kids at home a 'busy period' of three hours a day shouldn't be too hard to handle.

Snog · 10/02/2022 06:35

It's clearly not an unfair division of Labour between yourself and DH.

However, given that you have a huge personal allowance, why not spend some of it on cleaning/laundry/cooking services?

Toothsil · 10/02/2022 06:37

It sounds as if you have a pretty good thing going on, to be honest! £2,500 allowance a month - that's about double what I brought home from a full time job! You have plenty free hours in the day, that allowance, a big house, all of which presumably your DH works hard to fund. 3 hours in the evening isn't much to ask. You could fold laundry at any other time of day , prepare the dinner in advance earlier in the day...

anonno1 · 10/02/2022 06:54

Hi OP. I totally get what you’re asking. However, there are a lot of people on MN who will (understandably) get very wound up about women with your kind of lifestyle and therefore you’re not allowed to ask if YABU - in any way!!

However.... I have been in a similar-ish position for about 18 years (except I have 4 children). DH has been self-employed and works when and as he wants / needs to and I’ve tended to leave him to it. It’s been worth it for all of us (financially).

Can I ask why you don’t have a cleaner in once or twice a week?

The way I have approached my life is I’ve just accepted that the hours of say 3.30pm - 10pm are going to be very full-on. School pick up, homework support, clubs, play dates, dinner, etc etc for 4 kids is a lot. I know it can be irritating sometimes when the kids are playing up and there another adult in the house who has an excuse to ‘tune out’. Not always, obviously - but being default for all the emotional fall-out with kids can be draining. Sometimes you want to scream at the DH - ‘get off the bloody phone / computer / whatever!” Plus you’re expected to serve them dinner and listen to their work problems to boot!

So what I have done, is looked at the late afternoon / evening hours as my ‘working day’ and trained myself to not feel guilty about getting my ‘balance’ or ‘me time’ in the day. I love my quiet time in the day and I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend that doing housework (I mean obviously I’ll do some, but I don’t make a martyr of myself over it). I just wash all the bedding weekly. I take his shirts to the cleaners and keep on top of laundry and obviously tidy up etc, but I don’t vacuum / dust / mop the whole house very often or deep clean bathrooms, that kind of thing. This frees up a lot of time which I need for my sanity! Like you I have a personal trainer, but sometimes I just love sitting in a coffee shop on my own or meeting friends. My free time is golden and I don’t resent how hectic the evenings can be because if it.

My kids are now 18,16, 14 and 12. It gets easier in a way, but not in other ways. I have put a hell of a lot of effort into educational support with all of them. All very different DC (obviously) with different needs. My eldest was recently accepted into Cambridge and I had a kind of ‘flashback’ full-circle moment that all these years have been worth it. I remember all the issues over the years as if it were yesterday. Time flies!

So my advice would be, take your downtime when you can. Recognise you are privileged and enjoy the flexibility it gives you. The evenings will be mental, but find your balance and max out when everyone else is busy at work or school. Good luck!

Classicblunder · 10/02/2022 07:04

The division of labour sounds in your favour - you get a lot of time to exercise and read. So much so that it's difficult to understand why you would think otherwise.

Is it more that you find it difficult that he is in the house but not fully present? If so you could talk to him about that and ask him to stay in the office till he is properly done and then come home or if he wants some time to chill that he finds a way to do that before coming home.

As others have said, you could definitely manage your time better and do dinner prep and laundry earlier in the day. It does sound like you prioritise relaxing in school hours - perhaps a bit more of a schedule might help you, e.g. mornings domestic stuff, afternoon you time, then pick up kids etc

DrSbaitso · 10/02/2022 07:11

You missed a thread about rich housewives from a few days ago, OP. You should have struck while the iron was hot. Timing is everything.

MichelleScarn · 10/02/2022 07:19

I can't see all the 'hate and flames' the op is getting craving more just incredulousness that it's lols and all the other nonsense that's being posted!
N.B it is the schools hols up in Scotland today!...

anonno1 · 10/02/2022 07:29

I don’t think the OP should have mentioned specific amounts of money, to be fair, as there are people deciding between heating and food and any mention of anything above MW can be like a red rag to a bull on MN. Best to keep any mention of £ out if it OP if you want sensible answers!

However, there is the issue many SAHM face of having a husband who is ‘there but not there’ in the evenings. This has become even more if an issue with increasing numbers if men WFH in recent times. I think this is the crux of the matter for the OP and I hear her on that! Which is why she needs to really learn to value her free time in the day. Otherwise it can be extremely draining.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 10/02/2022 07:38

I think the division of labour is fair enough, as others have pointed out you have time free throughout the day. But it would concern me about the lack of involvement with his children. I'm in similar circumstances and my DH still gets involved with DS in the evenings. Nothing to do with division of labour but everything to do with missing DS during the day and wanting to be as full a part of his life and DH can be.

CrystalCoco · 10/02/2022 07:40

  • outsource the laundry: cleaner or laundry service

  • stop supervising the tutoring sessions

  • order 'healthy' take aways a couple times a week / eat out once or twice / ask DH to cook one night a week

  • enjoy the freedom of financial security / time to do as you please during the day

converseandjeans · 10/02/2022 07:46

Well you get all day to yourself & so it's just that your busy time is from school pick up.

Why do they do so much tuition? I'm not surprised one of them messes about.

Honestly some of us work all week and then come home & do all that on top of working.

You have all day to do food shopping, laundry etc.

Your allowance is £700 more than my monthly salary & I have to pay £1100 towards household bills out of that.

But you know you're being ridiculous surely? Also it's only going to be busy like this for a few more years.

FloBot7 · 10/02/2022 07:51

I'd start by getting a cleaner in. You have £2,500 a month to play with and it will barely make a dent in it.

As for the rest, it sounds like you just need better time management. You could do the prep for dinner earlier in the day so you're just throwing everything in to cook. You don't need to supervise a tutor. It's not clear if language practice is also with a tutor or with you. If it's with you, get the kids into the kitchen while you cook and talk to them in that language.

The reason you're getting so many jealous responses should probably show you that you've got a good thing going. I'd happily swap places. I work full time and bring in £1,600 a month.

AlexaShutUp · 10/02/2022 07:51

No, I don't think it's a fair division of labour, because you are not really pulling your weight imo. It's laughable that you think he should do more when you are already doing so little.

I still can't work out if this is actually a serious post or whether it's a reverse etc. It's hard to imagine that someone would be so totally lacking in self awareness to post this otherwise, but on the off-chance that you're real, I will say that yabvvvu.

The uneven division of responsibility is fine if you're both ok with it. Enjoy your nice easy life. But getting resentful about his contributions when you're already doing so little is ridiculous.

Skilovingmama · 10/02/2022 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sausagesausagesausage · 10/02/2022 08:04

Sorting swimming kits? Find cossies, find swimming cap & goggles, grab towel, put in bag. That's 5 minute work per child. You don't have 15 minutes in your hectic schedule of book reading, lunching and working out? Manage your time better.

looklikeanelephant · 10/02/2022 08:04

YABU

BobHadBitchTits · 10/02/2022 08:11

[quote BananaHairFood]@BobHadBitchTits not really, you fancy taking them off my hands ? [/quote]
Only if I get your allowance too 🤣

looklikeanelephant · 10/02/2022 08:11

@thenewduchessoflapland

No amount of money or prestige is going to buy nor get the OP more time during those 3 hours where she's having to cram everything in.

If her other half was a plumber who was home at 5pm and let her struggle alone for those three hours then there'd be some very different answers on this thread.

However as the OP is considered privileged because her husband is wealthy it seems to be a free for all for everyone to be nasty to her.

I wouldn't give a toss if her husband was Prince William or Elon Musk;he has no excuse for not doing something to help even if it's only for half an hour although an hour is definitely more acceptable.

He is the children's father,he should be doing something with them in the evening if he's home at 5 like doing bath time.Just because the OP gets a huge allowance doesn't mean she's her husband's slave;this is 2022;I thought we're supposed to be abit more progressive than that.

Here again are other women setting the bar at floor height for a man who's not doing anything to spend time with his own kids just because he has a lot of money.

But dinner can start being cooked earlier in the day. Laundry can be done while the children are at school. Swimming kit bags can be packed early on.