Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

It certainly feels like you are have been zoned into a category B friend. I don’t think you are over reacting to distance yourself, you want different things from the friendship.

I definitely don’t think you are in the wrong for wanting to detach a bit. She can’t dictate the social calendar and expect you to jump.

However- I also don’t make simple plans (coffee, walks, etc) at the weekends at the moment due to some of my own personal issues that I’m suffering from at the moment. I like to be able to stay in if I want, rather than cancelling a coffee date and disappointing someone. If I feel a bit brighter, we might jump in the car and see family. Or if we have an impromptu invitation that day- I might say yes if I feel up to it. So I get not wanting to have weekend plans- I find them restrictive.

I would suggest just asking her to do something sporadically at the weekend and see if she is up to it ‘hi friend, just nipping to coffee shop if you want to come for a walk? will be walking past you.’ etc

Yes I totally get not wanting to make plans and if it was a case of she was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to catch up fine. In fact our history has been one of bonding over having had similar past traumatic experiences (looking back pretty dysfunctional). But I feel that she is taking the piss now and taking advantage of me being understanding and if she can do other things and catch up with other people then why not me?

The fact that she has caught up with other people has really stung. I'm particularly annoyed about the couple friends but that is probably me being oversensitive - they also live down here, have bought properties etc. and I imagine I would have lots of things to chat about - I'm a very social person. But I'm single. I would bet good money that if I was in a couple I would have been worthy of a weekend invite....

Fellow singleton here and I feel your pain - some of my married friends do this. I'd see her if and when it suits you but don't make any special effort.

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

Yes I totally get not wanting to make plans and if it was a case of she was feeling overwhelmed and didn't want to catch up fine. In fact our history has been one of bonding over having had similar past traumatic experiences (looking back pretty dysfunctional). But I feel that she is taking the piss now and taking advantage of me being understanding and if she can do other things and catch up with other people then why not me?

The fact that she has caught up with other people has really stung. I'm particularly annoyed about the couple friends but that is probably me being oversensitive - they also live down here, have bought properties etc. and I imagine I would have lots of things to chat about - I'm a very social person. But I'm single. I would bet good money that if I was in a couple I would have been worthy of a weekend invite....

She may be more up with socialising with a couple because the male partner may be good friends with hers- it may end up being led by him if he wants to see these people. And it becomes a joint family thing if they are both going, which is somehow less effort.

I’m really not trying to project here- but I’m guilty of not wanting to meet my friend for a walk and lunch because I can’t face getting up and out of the house, but if my OH wants to meet his best friend and his wife for a roast and we’re all going to pile in the car- then I relent. Feeling overwhelmed isn’t just a case of not doing something or doing something- there are things that seem easier or more manageable that I am more likely to say yes to.

I definitely don’t think you should dance to your friends tune- you can’t schedule your life around her and you should tell her plainly ‘weekends are my only free time’ and see what she does. But it’s helpful to understand why she might be making these choices rather than thinking you are ‘unworthy’.

This must be a reverse

@Comefromaway - no its not a reverse. Which suggests you think I AM being AIBU - which is exactly what I came on here to check!

So why do you think I'm being unreasonable?

I should add that I'm only here for a couple more weeks - so its not like I'm wanting to spend every weekend with her for the rest of the year. I was just expecting that while I was down here we could catch up on the weekends...

Sorry - to be clear - I also wasnt expecting EVERY weekend for seven weeks!!

Weekends are precious when you work and have a baby.

Could it be that weekends are when she spends quality time with her partner? Could it be that she doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or exclude him?

@Comefromaway - i get that. But she only works two days a week. And I'm very happy to do child friendly things.

@SandAndSea - maybe. I'm perfectly comfortable hanging out with him too and have always clearly invited him too. I know he's not very social but I really don't think he has any particular issue with me. Famous last words..

YANBU.
I would dump her as a friend and tell her that your "boundary" is not to bother with her anymore.

She can fuck off for herself.

Irrespective of anything else, what's wrong with a weekday dinner at hers? Why doesn't that work for you?

I think that this has shown me that I am a Category B friend. Which I'm dissappointed in. But it is what it is.

She is perfectly entitled to prioritise as she will. But I suppose what I want views on is whether or not I'm being oversensitive/unreasonable to then decide that really doesn't work for me.

I know that I should just have a talk with her. But I also know that I won't.

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

I think that this has shown me that I am a Category B friend. Which I'm dissappointed in. But it is what it is.

She is perfectly entitled to prioritise as she will. But I suppose what I want views on is whether or not I'm being oversensitive/unreasonable to then decide that really doesn't work for me.

I know that I should just have a talk with her. But I also know that I won't.

No, you aren’t being unreasonable to feel that way.

But you would be if you didn’t say anything about it to her. Doesn’t need to be confrontational. ‘Oh no, sorry friend but weekdays don’t work for me because x y z.
I’m free sat though? Can work around you. Weekends are my only free time for the forseeable’ etc

tell he the truth if you can and I'd not be so readily available to fit in with her
She has her boundaries which is fine but I think you should mark yours. You don't have to do it in a rude way , just say unfortunately you are only free at x times at the moment

She's gone about this quite rudely but I must say I understand her point of view. I only make plans on the weekends occasionally with friends due to childcare and catching up with house stuff.

It seems a shame she can't pencil in a lunch date with you and her child, that will only take an hour or two.
When my (childfree) friend wants to meet up at weekends she suggests a decent softplay or a child friendly pub nearby. Why don't you name somehwere like that? If it's more a specific place she may come around to the idea.

Is it because she wants to keep weekends as family time?

Sometimes schedules just don't work out. She's entitled to say no weekends, but you're just as entitled to not want to go to hers all the time during the week. Just tell her that her plans don't work for you, just as she has with you, and see where it goes from there.

It sounds like you’re just not on the same page in terms of how you like to socialise and spend your free time. You like to see friends at weekends, she doesn’t - you would like brunches and coffees on a Sunday, she’d prefer a midweek dinner or a Thursday morning walk etc. I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong for how you’d like to socialise, but just might not be compatible with each other’s preferences at the moment.

There's nothing wrong with a weekday dinner as such. But I'm here on my own and don't know anyone and it would have been nice to have done some things with her on the weekend while I was here. There are lots of really lovely things to do here.

So for sure - I imagine her AIBU would be - my friends down here for seven weeks and expects me to catch up with her on the weekend when I only want to see her during the week. On the weekends I want to catch up with my family and friends.

I suppose I thought that I feel within the friends category and I don't. Which hurts.

You should make yourself a lot less available to her, if you still really want to stay in touch with her.
Just say you have things to do, "that doesn't work for me", etc.

You're a lot more tolerant of her shitty behaviour than I would be.

Friendship takes effort on both sides, if she is only willing to make minimal effort to spend time with you then it makes perfect sense for you to do the same.
If going for dinner this week suits you then go and enjoy yourself, but stop putting yourself out by working late/on weekends after meeting on a workday to suit her if she can't be bothered including you in her life at the weekend.
Its up to you if your happy to maintain a more casual friendship or cut ties if your only interested in a close friendship with her.
I don't think healthy self esteem is unreasonable.
At least now you know what effort she will make when you actually move and can plan accordingly instead of assuming she will be a big part of your social network and make an effort to include you.

I am guilty of this as although I live with my husband, we both love hiking and exploring places and the weekend is the only time we get to do that together. As we both work full-time it's the only "quality time" we get. However, this just means I see friends maybe once a month on a weekend rather than every weekend. It is certainly not a hard rule at all.