Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

She won't go to any of the cafes, pubs or restaurants here..I have checked for high chairs and suggested accordingly. She does have anxiety issues.

This has been very helpful thank you.

I think that it has struck a chord and I am being unreasonable/over reacting in terms of taking it personally etc and getting upset about it. But I think I'm not being unreasonable by deciding that this doesn't work for me...

@Comefromaway

This must be a reverse

Why do I see this shite trotted out on every thread I read now? Why would you think this is a reverse?

Hmmm I can see both sides here.

Lots of people tag team with kids and childcare and work etc in the week and spend the weekend with their partner as it's the only family time they have. They also tend to do stuff with others in a similar boat eg similar age kids - they can entertain themselves a bit playing and its just easier logistically, so they can still spend time with their partner.

I dont necessarily think this puts you in a category b friendship however I can completely understand why you feel hurt that she has said no to you but not to others.

Have you asked her why she can't do weekends or outside her house?

On the other hand she has been pretty clear, if you enjoy spending time with her then why not just meet her for dinner in the week, that's a fairly normal social activity that friends do, it's not like she is giving you a half hour window at an awkward time and seems like she still wants to see you. So if youd enjoy dinner in the week with her it seems a bit ott to drop the freindshuo

Because so many threads are, especially when the OP is clearly BU

I'd just keep saying sorry only the weekend suits me this week, or I don't fancy sitting inside / outside so maybe another time. She has her boundaries but you are entitled to yours as well. If it doesn't suit you , just keep saying that.

That's not true I've just realised! She has been to some of the cafes/restaurants here as she's told me she has but not when I've suggested - penny just dropped on that one...

That would be it for me. I was a single parent and I always managed to find time for my friends. You are not asking for every weekend, or a weekend without her child.

I know it is upsetting but I would not contact her again. Your boundary is that you cannot do lunch during the working week or weekday nights so ...

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

She won't go to any of the cafes, pubs or restaurants here..I have checked for high chairs and suggested accordingly. She does have anxiety issues.

This has been very helpful thank you.

I think that it has struck a chord and I am being unreasonable/over reacting in terms of taking it personally etc and getting upset about it. But I think I'm not being unreasonable by deciding that this doesn't work for me...

Absolutely. There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries or preferences for how you choose to see friends - but unfortunately that means some friendships may clash when those don’t align. However that doesn’t mean one person should always have to put themselves out to align with the other’s needs.

In an ideal world you’d compromise and meet in the middle, but that doesn’t always work - and I don’t believe it’s fair if it’s always the same friend doing all of the flexibility and the other not offering much more. They’re free to do that of course but it might impact friendships in the long term.

I totally get where your coming from- but I’ve probably been guilty of doing similar things to what your friend does. I prefer seeing friends during the week (after work) I wouldn’t even really think to organise something on the weekend with a friend. But a social gathering with another couple or meeting family I would always do on the weekend- I’ve never really thought that deeply as to why- but I would say it’s because it requires more effort and time meeting with couples and family. So it would require the whole day (especially if they are coming over to my place) the cooking/ cleaning afterwards is not something that I would like to do during the week. Whereas with just one friend it’s more casual, less formal and requires min effort. I know you said she doesn’t work full time but her husband does And he most likely doesn’t want to do anything extra on the weekend unless he has to (seeing family scheduled couples meet)

Having said this- I actually feel as though your friend is being unreasonable , because you are only in town for a while. I think initially saying she won’t be available on the weekend to you, but then constantly sending you pictures of her socialising on the weekend is insensitive. I prefer not to meet friends on weekends but if a friend of mine were to ask I would not refuse, especially if they were only in town for a short while.

If I were you I would simple bring it up to her. Ring her and tell her your a little disappointed that you haven’t had a chance to socialise on the weekend, - see what she sais

It sounds as though she has her life set up and organised the way she likes it.
You have suddenly moved in and expect her to change her routines to fit you in for your 7 week stay.
She has to fit her weekends around her family, her husbands family, and friends.
She is offering you to come for a meal at her house, which to my mind is something reserved for close friends who you are happy sharing your home with, rather than meeting up in a pub, restaurant etc.
It sounds as though you are just as inflexible as she is - I want to meet up with her but only when I am at a loose end over the weekend.

Might sound harsh but I'd either ask outright or take the hint

I'm going against the grain here but I don't think she's being unreasonable. She has a toddler, a part time job - life must be pretty full on. Perhaps the weekends are the only time she has to relax/spend quality time with her child and partner. It's not like she doesn't want to see you, she just wants to do it in the week. I'd be more than happy to meet a friend for dinner on a week night or go for a walk during my lunch break. She's not avoiding you - she's inviting you round for dinner etc. And yes it will be much easier for her to host you at her house with a 15 month old. You don't really know what's going on behind closed doors. Her DP works full time. Maybe he's insisting they have family time at the weekend and he doesn't want to have company every weekend.

@Seeline

It sounds as though she has her life set up and organised the way she likes it. You have suddenly moved in and expect her to change her routines to fit you in for your 7 week stay. She has to fit her weekends around her family, her husbands family, and friends. She is offering you to come for a meal at her house, which to my mind is something reserved for close friends who you are happy sharing your home with, rather than meeting up in a pub, restaurant etc. It sounds as though you are just as inflexible as she is - I want to meet up with her but only when I am at a loose end over the weekend.

I completely agree with every word of this.

@Seeline - no not at all - I've been perfectly happy to be flexible - meet up when suited her etc. But I'm now realising that I'm only here for two more weeks and in that whole time she has refused to see me once on a weekend.

Other people she has seen don't live here but have come down for the weekend.

But I do take on board your point - but to be clear I really have not expected her to drop everything.

She's texted that she misses you, and invited you for dinner. So she's not doing the fade. She still likes your company.
I'd take her up on the dinner thing. It might be the anxiety, it could be anything. But you'll never know if you just walk away.

I wouldn't have a conversation about it that's confrontational, but I t5hik it's okay within casual conversation to say that weekends are a bit lonely for you, or to ask her if she had a nice time with whoever it was she saw at the weekend, or how that cafe was when she went.

When I read that, it seems sneaky, but I just mean that it's worth trying to dig just a little bit in case there's a non-personal reason behind her boundaries. Maybe the others just pushed her too hard. But while she's connecting with you and missing you, I think I'd give it a bit more time to find out what's happening.

Yep l had a friend like this. She took it to the next level and wouldn’t reply to messages or calls at the weekend either. Precious and cringey

I'm sorry, it's shit when you find out a friend doesn't see the friendship the same way you do.

I get the idea of keeping the weekends for family but I would expect a good friend to be able to give you one weekend meetup in 7 weeks. It sounds like she enjoys your friendship at a distance and isn't that excited about meeting up.

Don't let this get you down, I think it's better to know so that you don't waste your energy prioritising someone who's not that interested in spending time with you. Put yourself out there and meet people who might be more available.

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. She doesn’t want to do weekends and you don’t want to do weekdays. Neither trumps the other. If is only for a few weeks she may have already made weekend plans, like you may have already made weekday plans. I don’t think you should cut each other off, it’s just that you can’t accommodate each other’s preferences at the moment. It’s not worth losing a friendship over.

You can’t make people what what they don’t want. She doesn’t want to do weekends so that’s that.
You can decide what you want to do with that though, accept category B or invest less in her.

You really should point out that she clearly can do weekends because she

Have her weekends been arranged in advance? It's rare to do things on the spur of the moment when little ones are involved.
How much notice did she have of you arriving in town?

I don't get the issue about weekends. She's happy to meet up with you at other times - she is just busy at the weekends. If oyu want to be friends, go and see her when she is available!!

Just sounds like a mismatch of priorities to me. I hate making plans for weekends - I like to chill out at home, get my chores done, spend time with DH after a busy week, and basically have no fixed commitments.

I pretty much always decline weekend plans, unless it's friends I've not seen for a while coming to stay the weekend (and thinking about your OP, it would usually be 'couple' friends), or someone I really really want to see that can't meet up during the week for some reason.

She's obviously decided that her weekends are family time (and I think cousin / other couples coming to stay does kind of fall within that as you do stuff all together), and she doesn't want to change that.

It does sound a little bit like you're moving to the area and suddenly expect to be more included in her life than perhaps she was anticipating - maybe that's making her feel slightly uncomfortable if you're repeatedly asking her to spend time with you at the weekends to fill your time.

Your sentences "I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner" and "I'm here on my own and don't know anyone and it would have been nice to have done some things with her on the weekend while I was here" feel a bit pressured to me - makes me think perhaps you had a different view of what would happen when you moved to what your friend might have expected.

Had you had discussions about you doing stuff together at weekends / you spending time with her family before you moved?

See in my book, weekends are a precious time TO SEE FRIENDS when you work and have a baby!

Thanks again all. Really helpful comments. I'm glad I posted.

Can not just say to her that weekdays don't work that well for you but you're happy to see her at the weekend if she changes her mind?