Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You would be the kind of friend I would keep close.. family can become overwhelming, so it baffling as to why you're cat B?
You sound like a breathe of fresh air! She is being very unreasonable and wants a one way friendship and you to slot in when needed.

This friendship is on her terms and she sounds selfish.

Things may change as her child gets older but I would back off and see if she makes the effort with this friendship.

@Palomo

The thing is l, if such was meeting a female friend for lunch on a weekend (or at any time) why would I take DH?

Firstly, it would t occur to me that she would want him tagging along.

Secondly, they’d a probably a hundred other things he’d rather do than tag along

Finally - there is no need.

Nine of my friends are socially incompetent and not is DH. Quite the opposite. But time is limited. Do you think I would want to sit there and listen to DH and his mates droning on in the way I find only men do about their latest business issues, cycling, cars, boxing ... oh, did I mention cycling? I literally turn catatonic. It’s fine if the wives are there because then it’s more generalised,l but otherwise, nooo! I give that a wide berth.

I agree, certainly, in the case of the op, I'd have the baby and the wife could go off and catch up privately.

We had a funny situation recently, I was introduced to one of her long-standing male friends. It just so happened we had a common interest, we chatted for hrs whilst she was left out for an hr or two.
Eventually, we stopped dominating the narrative and they started conversing about something personal to them for the remainder of the afternoon-evening.

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@Comefromaway - i get that. But she only works two days a week. And I'm very happy to do child friendly things.[/quote]
She doesn't work 2 days a week. She is doing childcare for the other 3 days with little sleep. She is probably exhausted and needs weekends to chill with no commitments.

@Swonderful is meeting up with a friend so arduous though?

* “DH went to the park and invited a complete stranger to our Sunday lunch plans. AIBU to think he should have asked me first and maybe suggested a coffee first?!”*

I can see it now

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Swonderful is meeting up with a friend so arduous though?[/quote]
Surely meeting up with a baby can be a complex situation.
For instance, let's say a person agrees on a Wednesday to meet on a Saturday, but in between, little baby decides to cry every day and night. This leaves the mother completely tired and fried.
Should cancel or meet up, completely shattered.
Life with babies isn't some mechanical routine, predicting the behavior of a baby is difficult and almost impossible task.
I think people either forget or are ignorant of the changes family brings.
Nothing in a single person's life compares even remotely.

I had a friend who complained about my flakiness at one point, I just said my children come first, even before pre-booked obligations and promises, even 40th birthdays.
She used to rant on about how much time-energy it took to organize etc, how disappointing I was.
However, now she has a child of her own, her experience and thoughts have changed, especially during the 12 month period with a newborn.

Sounds like you want emotional stuff from her that, given she has a very demanding little one to look after, she isn't able to give right now. Wait for the baby to start sleeping properly so she is rested and can relax a bit. Might take a few years but having kids hits our earlier friendships hard. She may need to be with other 'baby' people atm. For every friendship there's a time and season and maybe you need to be able to step back until her head is in the right place to resume the friendship, maybe even in several years time.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 - Angela Merkel doesnt have kids. What do you think her response would be to your view that she has never experienced anything as remotely pressured or challenging??

@Movingonup22 I imagine that people who think single and/or childless people don't experience any pressure or stress either had a very spoiled and easy life before they had kids, or are startling ignorant and stupid people and not worth making an effort to see.

I'm wondering if there's a partner issue - he insists weekends are family time. Could he be a bit controlling

[quote Movingonup22]@Hrpuffnstuff1 - Angela Merkel doesnt have kids. What do you think her response would be to your view that she has never experienced anything as remotely pressured or challenging??[/quote]
Yes but maybe that’s the point. Not having children let’s you get on and do whatever you like.
Kids are an added pressure and a restraint that you can’t escape. Throw in a husband or partner and that’s more people you need to accommodate please/ let down before you’ve even started work.

I think if u want keep friendship going you will. I just found it got 1 sided with some. All one way effort. I accept young kids is a juggle.

Angela Merkel doesnt have kids. What do you think her response would be to your view that she has never experienced anything as remotely pressured or challenging??

I think she might agree. Or she might have the grace to admit that she couldn't compare her experiences with something she hasn't experienced and would take new mothers' word for it that sleepless nights, the rigours of breastfeeding and being on call 24/7 for months on end are stressful and extremely challenging.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 what patronising rubbish, and as a man you are not in a position to opine on whether nurturing a young baby is physically harder/more tiring than anything else someone could do. My DSis is a medic who had 3 babies in 2 years and said while we watched This Is Going to Hurt last week that she found being a junior doctor far tougher and more exhausting than the early years with the babies! Everyone's different, but there's a certain type of smug parent who has to insist that their experience is universal and trumps everything else for difficulty, and that no non-parent could ever understand.

@mathanxiety You think Angela Merkel might agree that she’s never experienced anything as remotely pressured or challenging…as motherhood? Really? Christ. 😂

Have you been the Chancellor of Germany, leader of the EU and the most powerful woman in the world? No, I’m guessing? Do you ‘have the grace’ to admit you can’t compare your experiences to something you haven’t experienced?

[quote TheOccupier]@Hrpuffnstuff1 what patronising rubbish, and as a man you are not in a position to opine on whether nurturing a young baby is physically harder/more tiring than anything else someone could do. My DSis is a medic who had 3 babies in 2 years and said while we watched This Is Going to Hurt last week that she found being a junior doctor far tougher and more exhausting than the early years with the babies! Everyone's different, but there's a certain type of smug parent who has to insist that their experience is universal and trumps everything else for difficulty, and that no non-parent could ever understand.[/quote]
The problem with your answer is, that having a baby is a common experience, being a junior doctor is not.
My point is that once people marry, have a family, not all friendships last the course, and other priorities take over. Single people and childless couples feel this the most unfortunately for them.

As for your a man what would you know, well I do know as my ex-wife went back to work in the NHS whilst I stayed at home and took care of both our daughters from birth. So you made an incorrect assumption and then came up with a faulty conclusion.

I know you weren't breastfeeding, which is mentally and physically tougher than bottlefeeding in the early days as only one parent can do it.
I know you weren't already knackered from late pregnancy and childbirth, possibly even injured, when you had to start looking after a newborn.

And there's no "problem with my answer" - having a baby is a common experience for people with babies but even among people who have done it, it's not universally seen as the hardest thing anyone could ever do. Everyone's experience is different. Being a parent doesn't automatically trump any other kind of stress/hardship.

Nothing in a single person's life compares even remotely.

Comments like this are why some single people despise parents, honestly. It’s the height of arrogance and self-centredness to make yourself the arbitrator of everyone else’s life experiences simply because you had a baby.

@TheOccupier

I know you weren't breastfeeding, which is mentally and physically tougher than bottlefeeding in the early days as only one parent can do it. I know you weren't already knackered from late pregnancy and childbirth, possibly even injured, when you had to start looking after a newborn.

And there's no "problem with my answer" - having a baby is a common experience for people with babies but even among people who have done it, it's not universally seen as the hardest thing anyone could ever do. Everyone's experience is different. Being a parent doesn't automatically trump any other kind of stress/hardship.

She didn't breastfeed, she couldn't, didn't want to whatever. She went back to work.

The example of parental duties is valid because it's a universal experience and is relevant to the thread. Angela Merkel isn't a relevant comparative example.
How many world leaders do average people know personally, none, how many people understand what a world leader's duties are, none.
And is the situation being discussed involve world leaders.
No.

@MabelsApron

Nothing in a single person's life compares even remotely.

Comments like this are why some single people despise parents, honestly. It’s the height of arrogance and self-centredness to make yourself the arbitrator of everyone else’s life experiences simply because you had a baby.

I think its' the other way round. It's the height of self-centeredness to assume a friend with a baby should be available 24/7 because that's how it used to be.

Unfortunately, human children need intensive care and attention for a long time. It would be nice if some' 'friends' understood this simple biological fact.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 whether your ex-wife breastfed is irrelevant. YOU didn't breastfeed. And the whole point of this discussion, which you seem to be missing (or avoiding), is that parenthood is not a "universal" experience. Not everyone is a parent, and not all parents have the same experiences.

This thread has taken a most peculiar turn.

I should imagine having caring responsibilities for a parent(s) or a disabled sibling, for example, could change one's life quite as dramatically as having a baby. I have no direct knowledge of those situations, but it doesn't take much to consider other profound life changes could have an equal impact.