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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 08/02/2022 11:44

Sounds a bit rubbish. Suggest you fall in with her plans only when they suit you.

Mary46 · 08/02/2022 11:45

I think the friendship is all on her terms. I hate mid week going out would rather a Fri or Sat. But even family time has she no spare hour or two!

Thatsplentyjack · 08/02/2022 11:45

@Comefromaway

Because so many threads are, especially when the OP is clearly BU
But this OP isn't "clearly being unreasonable", she quite justified in being a bit upset that she's not an important enough friend yo spend time with at the weekend. Also, not that many threads are a reverse. People just love saying that for some reason.
Sally872 · 08/02/2022 11:45

That is shit she won't compromise.

However don't cut your nose off to spite your face. If midweek dinner suits and you want to see her go. If it doesn't then don't feel any pressure to compromise as she doesn't.

TheNinny · 08/02/2022 11:45

I think she is being uptight in saying never socialising on weekends. But when my DD was a baby and what still remains now she’s a toddler and I work full time, is that the weekend is my only ‘me time’ days (lie in, lazy morning, hobby) and then all together family time stuff, along with sorting the house out for the next week. It’s a lot to fit in and I can’t always meet friends without it feeling rushed or pressured in some way. So I sort of get why she can’t do frequent meet ups on weekends. But an outright ban is a bit odd. Mine is made worse in that DH works every other weekend so child free moments are even more rare. But it doesn’t seem she is fussed about you meeting up kid free if she invites you to hers during the week. 🤷‍♀️🤔

SpiderVersed · 08/02/2022 11:46

She has 3 days during the week when she's happy to see you. If those days aren't convenient to you, that's fine. However, you're being pretty rigid if you're actually free and are just pouting because you don't have someone to hang out with on weekends.

On the weekend she spends time with her husband and baby and socialising as a family with other couples/families. That's perfectly understandable.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 11:47

@Comefromaway

Weekends are precious when you work and have a baby.
Not so precious that OP's friend can't go out with other people though? And expect regular texting from her friend.
Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 11:48

"On the weekend she spends time with her husband and baby and socialising as a family with other couples/families. That's perfectly understandable."

If she can socialise with other couples/families, why can't she socialise with OP?
I know some people only want friends who are couples and families. I wouldn't bother with those people.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 11:49

@SpiderVersed - I work full time during the week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 11:51

@Gwenhwyfar - this! Thank you!

Its a bit of a tangent but I think its a real shame that some couples can only meet up with couples. I have some lovely couple friends with that I hang out and we all have a lovely time. I have great conversations with their male partners, we can all talk together. It always baffles me that some couples struggle to hang out with a single person.

But that's a side issue and whilst I think it is a factor here I don't think its probably the major one.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 08/02/2022 11:51

Maybe weekends are the only time her other friends are available but she knows you can meet up in the week?

Natty13 · 08/02/2022 11:51

I had a good friend like this. Would only see me in my city (she lives in a nearby town), of course that meant I had to find a place to meet and organise it all etc. She would only want to see me on weeknights which was difficult for me too.

I got fed up with it and just stopped arranging anything. She said she missed me and when we were discussing when to meet/what to do she was insistant to come to mine for dinner. I had to tell her 3 times "that doesn't work for me" because she kept coming back with reasons she thought I could make it work. Eventually I just told her I wasn't willing to host her in my home or meet her in my city since I was fed up doing all the grunt work in the friendship. She's a lovely woman but the friendship had to be on her terms and I just don't have the bandwidth for that so I let it fizzle out (well I guess we both did)

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/02/2022 11:52

She's obviously got a full calendar, we've had similar issues as a couple with certain friends. She prioritizes others and other activities.
However, she is attempting to reconnect just not on the weekends.

Children do add another dynamic to the mix, the friendship is highly unlikely to return to how it was. Family life in the early days can be chaotic, tends to settle a little when the children are older.

The idea that her hubby is not social isn't true, men just tend to be more selective than women about whom or how they spend their time. I have to admit my ex-wife fell out with a friend over a similar situation, she ended up not coming to the wedding, all got a bit out of hand.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 08/02/2022 11:53

YANBU to be unhappy about the situation.

YAB extremely U for not telling her. Don’t just cut her off, use your words.

tootiredtospeak · 08/02/2022 11:53

She has given you the opening by saying she misses your texts to explain how you feel. Nothing you have said here sounds harsh. Be honest I haven't text as I am confused by your reasoning for not wanting to make weekend plans. You say you dont do weekends but then make plans with other freinds and family. So clearly you just dont do weekends for me which leaves me feeling like our friendship is just when its convenient to you. That hurts and I am processing that if that's your boundary then I am figuring mine out. See what she says.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 11:55

@MeSanniesareBrannies - I know. i know. I have form for ghosting when I can't face conflict. It is a terrible thing to do I know and I don't think her actions warrant that. But it will take a huge amount for me to do it...

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 08/02/2022 11:55

[quote IncompleteSenten]You really should point out that she clearly can do weekends because she

SpiderVersed · 08/02/2022 11:55

@Gwenhwyfar

"On the weekend she spends time with her husband and baby and socialising as a family with other couples/families. That's perfectly understandable."

If she can socialise with other couples/families, why can't she socialise with OP?
I know some people only want friends who are couples and families. I wouldn't bother with those people.

Because that leaves her husband out, and she clearly wants weekends with her husband and baby. That's her stated boundary, how she lives her life now she has a child, and she isn't interested in changing that.

OP can accept that boundary or decide she doesn't want to bother.

Single friends and friends with partners and children often have slightly different priorities and boundaries. That's part of growing up and neither is wrong.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2022 11:55

Sounds like she is worried that you will lean on her for all weekend entertainment and is just putting her stall out now.

Please tell me you didn't relocate to be closer to her - that it just so happened that the town you relocated to also is her town.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2022 11:56

meh, it's one thing if she's using weekends just to spend with her family but if she's seeing other friends in that time but not you I'd be a bit put out and feel like i was being treated like a low ranking friend. Fuck that

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 11:56

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - I'm not relocating yet. She has said that she is desperate to move here. I looked at another house last week which meant that I would move here earlier and she said that I absolutely had to do that...

OP posts:
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 11:57

@SpiderVersed - but why would her partner have to be left out?? Men and women can socialise together. I really really don't think that the issue here is that her partner would not want to spend time with me (could be wrong of course)

OP posts:
Aderyn21 · 08/02/2022 11:58

'Boundary' is such a weird way to put it - like you're imposing on her or something. Which is not how genuine friendship should feel. I'd withdraw for her use of that phrase alone.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 11:58

she is desperate for me to move here

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2022 12:00

I'd freak out if a remote friend relocated to my town. Internally of course, not to them, but I'd worry that they were basing their location on having a friend in the area and thus would look to me as their only social network.

I work ft and have two small dc and don't even spend enough time with immediate family and local (long term) friends, so couldn't actually handle the responsibility of ingraiating someone else into my network permanently.

Of course, they may not need that and have their own plans for settling in, but as a classic overthinker, this would seriously concern me. As a result I may come across fairly rigid in terms of conversations and plans with the soon-to-relocate friend