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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Allthestarsabovemyhead · 08/02/2022 12:19

I’ve noticed this with people. They’re happy to text during the week and what not. Come weekend, they’re too busy doing family things (my friends don’t have children or married).

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:19

So where I'm landing after all these helpful comments is that I'm not being unreasonable at being hurt, but I do have to recognise that she has her own pressures (some of which I may not be aware of). And it is what it is. The question is whether I want to continue the friendship. Which I need to ponder.

As for those who are not able to understand that couples and singles can socialise quite happily together - I assure you that they can and that hanging out with singles does not in itself breakdown the family unit!

OP posts:
vesperlindor · 08/02/2022 12:20

She probably wasn't lying when she encouraged you to move and said it would be great if you were closer - that doesn't mean she has to prioritise spending time with you at the weekends though.

I have plenty of friends who I'd be delighted if they moved closer to where I live, but I would assume they would have their own lives going on and other reasons for wanting to be in this area, and that we'd meet up now and again when suits. Is that not the case for you? I rarely see friends at weekends now, and I wouldn't want be pressurised into changing that, because someone else has made a decision to live nearer me and doesn't have anyone to hang out with at weekends.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 08/02/2022 12:23

It also sounds as though she has been forced to clearly state that this is her boundary (in those words) because you have been pushing and pushing at her saying no. She has had no choice but to say 'no, this is my boundary'. Please don't push at someone like this.

Monopolyiscrap · 08/02/2022 12:23

Really anyone saying they won't meet friends at weekends does not value their friends.

IncompleteSenten · 08/02/2022 12:23

Unhinged. 😂😂😂

When you say unhinged, do you simply mean 'really fucking pissed off'? Or do you actually mean someone not of sound mind, disconnected from reality, deranged and unbalanced?

Because I think "that'd make you sound pissed off" is probably more accurate than that would make you sound dangerously mentally unbalanced, don't you think?

Even "that'd make you sound really mardy and a bit childish" would be more accurate than 'it would make you look like you were having a potentially dangerous mental crisis.'

But people do love the old "unhinged" crap on here 😂

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:24

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@HardbackWriter - I think the main reason it bothers me is she's been going on for ages about how I should move here and how great it will be when I'm here - and now I'm here she's said well I can't see on the weekend but I'll catch up with other people. In a nutshell!

And now I'm getting passive aggressive texts about not texting her enough over the weekend.

But I was really starting to escalate emotionally and start to unhelpfully overreact which is why I thought it would help to post on here. Which it has![/quote]
I just don't understand why you see a mid-week dinner as somehow a lesser (even an insulting!) offer?

Again, I'm not seeking to defend your friend but I actually actively choose to not bring my child to meet-ups with friends so that I can give my friend my full attention - but that means that evenings are better for me than weekend day-time. It's honestly never crossed my mind that anyone might think that's a lesser category of friendship. If a friend said they thought about it like you I'd be slightly bewildered but I'd also try and rectify things, either by explaining better to that friend why I wasn't suggesting weekend meet-ups or by agreeing to weekend time (and just accepting that if I have to see them at the weekend that means I'll see them less frequently). I think you should give your friend the same chance.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:24

@vesperlindor - sure. But if I had a good friend come and stay somewhere for a limited period of time I would make some sort of effort. To be clear its not that I want to catch up every weekend. She has not caught up with me AT ALL on a weekend.

During which time she has entertained someone else who came down to visit for the weekend and caught up with other friends.

I think that probably I did have unrealistic expectations and I take that on board. But I do think that she has made very little effort.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 12:25

" I rarely see friends at weekends now"

You probably also don't text a lot and complain when friends don't text you back regularly though either, do you?

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:26

@TrippinEdBalls -mid week catch ups are with child at her house

OP posts:
TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:26

@IncompleteSenten

Unhinged. 😂😂😂

When you say unhinged, do you simply mean 'really fucking pissed off'? Or do you actually mean someone not of sound mind, disconnected from reality, deranged and unbalanced?

Because I think "that'd make you sound pissed off" is probably more accurate than that would make you sound dangerously mentally unbalanced, don't you think?

Even "that'd make you sound really mardy and a bit childish" would be more accurate than 'it would make you look like you were having a potentially dangerous mental crisis.'

But people do love the old "unhinged" crap on here 😂

I think if someone started listing all my social events that I'd engaged in without them from the last five weeks, compiled from casual mentions across my communications, as 'proof' that I see other people at the weekend - yeah, I would think that they were a bit unbalanced and I would be a bit scared of them. To be clear I don't think OP is at all unhinged because it wasn't her that suggested sending the friend this dossier of evidence of weekend favoritism!
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:26

(I have no problem with her child being there to be honest.)

OP posts:
TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:27

Ooh, I've had a name change fail Blush

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 12:28

I would stop messaging and seeing this person. Seems like they want to use you and it to be all about them and their wants and desires. Even some relatives are like this!

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:29

@TyrannosaurusRegina - no not at all. I suggested a roast or a brunch maybe the first or second weekend but nothing after The Boundary was announced.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 12:29

@TyrannosaurusRegina

It also sounds as though she has been forced to clearly state that this is her boundary (in those words) because you have been pushing and pushing at her saying no. She has had no choice but to say 'no, this is my boundary'. Please don't push at someone like this.
You sound like you do this to people too. They should read this thread.
Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:31

I take that back - its not that she's made very little effort - she has suggested mid week catch ups at her house. Which I acknowledge is an effort.

Its that it has entirely been when is best for her.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2022 12:32

You need to talk to her.

She's probably made assumptions about what you like doing and thinks she's doing the right, thoughtful thing - by making time for you during the week but not expecting you to put up with child-focussed 'family time' at the weekend.

A weekday dinner is a nice thing. She's not ignoring you. She wants to spend time with you. Precious, child-free quality time.

Original poster
Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:33

@lottiegarbanzo - she would not under any circumstances go out without her child...

OP posts:
endingintiers · 08/02/2022 12:34

I've been the weekday only friend too. It made me realise I wasn't that important to them. We got on with her husband but I think they had other couple friends who they got on with better. When I went full time at work I couldn't facilitate week day only. We now see each other about once or twice a year. It is what it is, if you have to force something it's not worth investing any more energy into.

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:35

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

I take that back - its not that she's made very little effort - she has suggested mid week catch ups at her house. Which I acknowledge is an effort.

Its that it has entirely been when is best for her.

But if you're free both in the week and at weekends why should/would she see you at the time she finds less convenient unless you've actively told her that the weekdays are inconvenient for you (which you haven't)? It sounds like you see this as a test she's failed but the test is totally in your own head, you haven't actually set it!
Monopolyiscrap · 08/02/2022 12:35

@TrippinEdBalls I work full-time. Before covid wfh I got home at 6 pm at the earliest. A mid-week dinner is doable. But it is a massive rush to change clothes and then get to the restaurant say at 7 pm. Then home and almost straight to bed. It is fine, but not relaxing. Whereas a weekend meet-up is more relaxed.

IncompleteSenten · 08/02/2022 12:35

@TrippinEdBalls

Ooh, I've had a name change fail Blush
Yes. Yes you have.
lottiegarbanzo · 08/02/2022 12:35

Also some people compartmentalise more than others, so do 'couple things', 'family things', 'girls' things'. Other's don't look at their friends or social lives that way.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 08/02/2022 12:35

Oh fuck I really wouldn't bother with her.
Both of you want different things.
She sounds like she likes having you chase her and that she likes the attention with the texts from you and whatnot.

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