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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend won't catch up on weekends...

577 replies

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 10:27

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

OP posts:
Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 12:37

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

I take that back - its not that she's made very little effort - she has suggested mid week catch ups at her house. Which I acknowledge is an effort.

Its that it has entirely been when is best for her.

Yes, but you want to see her at weekends which are best for you, as you say yourself, because your midweek work pattern is less conducive to socialising than hers -- and also, it's hard to avoid thinking, because you think weekends are time for her higher-priority friends, so I think you see it as being demoted to only be seen on weekdays.

Fundamentally it comes down to whether you want to continue the friendship when you eventually move to the area.

Monopolyiscrap · 08/02/2022 12:37

@TrippinEdBalls She has made it clear that weekends are a no go. As I have said I have experienced this scenario of weekends as the sacred family time that cant be intruded upon. I think someone who says this doesn't care that it is difficult for others. They are clearly setting out when meet ups suit them and want everyone else to work around that.

Seeline · 08/02/2022 12:38

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@vesperlindor - sure. But if I had a good friend come and stay somewhere for a limited period of time I would make some sort of effort. To be clear its not that I want to catch up every weekend. She has not caught up with me AT ALL on a weekend.

During which time she has entertained someone else who came down to visit for the weekend and caught up with other friends.

I think that probably I did have unrealistic expectations and I take that on board. But I do think that she has made very little effort.[/quote]
When did she know that you were going to be around for 7 weeks?
When did she arrange to have people stay with her, or her other catch ups?
Does her DH have a say in any of this - are they his friends or her friends?

IncompleteSenten · 08/02/2022 12:38

Whoops. Posted too soon.
It's in no way unhinged. Pissed off, yes, petty, hell yes why not be petty? Fuck the moral high ground. childish? Yeah.

But unhinged? Nope.

Monopolyiscrap · 08/02/2022 12:38

OP your role is to provide a companion when she hasn't got anything else arranged.

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:39

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@TrippinEdBalls I work full-time. Before covid wfh I got home at 6 pm at the earliest. A mid-week dinner is doable. But it is a massive rush to change clothes and then get to the restaurant say at 7 pm. Then home and almost straight to bed. It is fine, but not relaxing. Whereas a weekend meet-up is more relaxed.[/quote]
And that's totally reasonable and if a friend said to me 'you know, I can do Wednesday but it's such a faff - I really prefer that we do something at the weekend' I'd agree to do that even though a weekday evening is much better for me. But OP seems to expect her friend to know that she feels this way without actually telling her.

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:39

I should also point out that she would not catch up during weekdays on her work days - only my work days...

But now I'm starting to seethe again! I'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea and deseethe.

I think the reality is that I have other friends who would not dream of doing this. One of my friends came over from Ireland for Christmas - her AND HER HUSBAND (because I am friends with both of them!) drove about three hours just to see me for a couple of hours before they had to drive back because I hadn't seem them for ages and I actually had a really shit year last year (well - who didnt). I wouldn't in a million years expect them to do that and it was really going above and beyond. But the contrast is quite stark.

I don't think she's an awful person. And I am sure that she is not deliberately being awful to me and is not deliberately trying to exclude me or make me feel awful. I know that she has a lot of issues. Which is why we probably bonded in the first place. I think its just that this is what she has capacity to give and the only way she knows how to interact. And I think that its not really working for me!

OP posts:
wishtotravel · 08/02/2022 12:41

I have a friend, who I was once much closer to and now is more of an acquaintance/friend as we meet up 1or 2 times a year. She set hard boundaries, meet ups with 1/2 month notice when child free, and after children didn't even answer the phone. I was initially quite upset, but decided not to take it personally. I have a group of much more flexible, hands on friendships that I rely on for support. She prioritises her work and her family, and doesn't have many friends but we are at still friendly, just in a way that can fit in with what we both can manage.

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:42

Yes.
Yes you have.

The sternness in this, as if I'd done something awful, really made me laugh.

Monopolyiscrap · 08/02/2022 12:42

@TrippinEdBalls The OPs friend hasn't said what she prefers. She has said no to weekends.
And honestly, it is pretty obvious that someone working full-time and commuting has a rush to get out on weekday nights.

Momijin · 08/02/2022 12:43

When my kids were little , weekends were usually spent as a family doing stuff with the kids, relaxing or catching up with housework.

PinchOfVom · 08/02/2022 12:44

Sounds to me like she’s trying to hold you back - is she worried about you relying on her too much? Maybe make your own life in this town and then see what happens next

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:44

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@TrippinEdBalls The OPs friend hasn't said what she prefers. She has said no to weekends.
And honestly, it is pretty obvious that someone working full-time and commuting has a rush to get out on weekday nights.[/quote]
I work four days a week and an evening of one of my working days is still my preference over the weekend day because I'd always rather be out during my children's sleeping time than their awake time (precisely because I work!). I don't think it's self-evident.

WildPoinsettia · 08/02/2022 12:45

@Gwenhwyfar

"On the weekend she spends time with her husband and baby and socialising as a family with other couples/families. That's perfectly understandable."

If she can socialise with other couples/families, why can't she socialise with OP?
I know some people only want friends who are couples and families. I wouldn't bother with those people.

Because as people have already said it's more effort. If you go out as a group you don't have to stay 100% focused on the conversation at all times, one of you drives while the other entertains the DC, your DP or family are there to help share moments of childcare at the venue, your DC can play with the other couples DC. It all adds up to the situation feeling easier and it's time spent with your closest people, your family. Even if it's friends, you're still socialising as a family with your DP and DC.

With a one to one friend meet either you've to negotiate child free time with your DP, so not only do you have to fit in your friend, but you're almost certainly going to be lumbered with a sole childcare time afterwards when your DP decides he wants me-time too. If he's a bit of a git, as so many ordinary, on the surface apparently "reasonable" men are when they don't get their own way, he might take twice as much me-time as you have, he might agree to have DC but grumble about it all weekend and expect a gold medal too, or claim he's now too tired to help with house chores. All of which adds to the mental and physical effort of fitting in that visit with your friend.

Or you've to get yourself and DC to the venue, stay focused on your friend the whole time, whilst also accommodating your DC need for attention and keeping an eye on them when they're not demanding your attention, then gets yourselves home by yourself again. It can be extremely tiring. Then you get home and there's all the usual stuff to do, which hasn't magically done itself whilst you were out.

Could also be that her DP wants to socialise as a family with these other people regardless and is being inflexible about that. So meeting up with a friend would end up being on top of that, for her.

Then there's her DP who you get on fine with OP. I get on fine with lots of people too, including ones I don't like or aren't that bothered about or find slightly annoying, especially if they happen to be my DP friend. I would never ever tell them, would remain polite and friendly, but you bet your life I'd put my foot down about having them in my house every week or having to meet up to socialise with them once a month. My downtime is precious to me. So the option of you socialising with your friend as a family group, which you're willing to do, might not actually be an option.

I imagine your friend has been quite blunt about this boundary OP because she's had to be. You're a confident person and there's nothing wrong with that, but inviting her out on weekends is pushing her boundaries when she's already told you no in advance. You're not taking her decision well as this thread shows. I expect she knew this is how it would be and that's why she felt the need to be so outspoken from the beginning, so there could be no misunderstanding and she wouldn't feel under pressure from you. How many times do we see it on here? If someone is being pushy and won't take a hint, communicate your boundary in the simplest terms and then stick to it. If she came here that's what she'd have been told and it's what she's done. Perhaps it needs to be a concrete boundary for her because if she gave you one weekend meet up during this 7 weeks, which to her, depending on her situation, could be majorly putting herself out, you'd still not be happy and would just push for another a few weeks later. Perhaps the only way she can avoid feeling pressured is to make it a blanket no, never.

With the texts effectively calling you out for disengaging, it's difficult. On the one hand she could be trying to show you she's not trying to fade you out, which is nice, I guess. On the other hand it's taking the piss somewhat to make it clear to someone they're not your priority, then get sad and call them on it when they disengage!

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 12:45

@Monopolyiscrap

OP your role is to provide a companion when she hasn't got anything else arranged.
Agreed with this. Ignore that other poster who seems very invested in being against you.
Sausagesausagesausage · 08/02/2022 12:45

I've got a 16mo, I'd have my coat on the second a friend suggested a coffee at the weekend. Young toddlers are savages.

Friendship take work from both side - you want different things and are willing to give different things. It might have just run it course.

I had a friend like yours - weekends were only for family time, we could only go to her house as she found it too difficult to get out with the kids. I realised she lived a completely different life to me so stopped messaging (and she never messaged first).

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:46

No - I have told her. And asked did suggest a catch up on weekends. I'm happy to catch up mid week too - but it would also have been nice to have a weekend catch up. That was when The Boundary was declared. I know you've only got my side - but I really haven't been insane about it (to her - I have been possibly a bit OTT about internally).

She's know for ages about me being down.

To be honest - I really think that I would have been fine about it if she would have just bothered to go for at least one frickin' cold outdoors walk on a weekend. I think its the blanket no weekend thing whatsoever thing that I've really reacted to (when she has caught up with other people).

OP posts:
Monopolyiscrap · 08/02/2022 12:46

@TrippinEdBalls You work a full day during your 4 days of work? So normal out of the house 8-6pm ish?

Charley50 · 08/02/2022 12:47

Personally I'd meet up for a mid-week dinner this time, and take it from there. She sounds like a good friend still. Friendships ebb and flow. Try not to over-analyse it. Small children take over for a bit, then it gets easier. She maybe had made plans already with these other people, and just wanted some plan-free weekends, which happened to coincide with you being there. Maybe they are new friends and it's all exciting. She was probably pretty skint in January. Who knows? I love my slightly flaky friends, cuz that means I can be flaky back.

Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 12:47

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

I should also point out that she would not catch up during weekdays on her work days - only my work days...

But now I'm starting to seethe again! I'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea and deseethe.

I think the reality is that I have other friends who would not dream of doing this. One of my friends came over from Ireland for Christmas - her AND HER HUSBAND (because I am friends with both of them!) drove about three hours just to see me for a couple of hours before they had to drive back because I hadn't seem them for ages and I actually had a really shit year last year (well - who didnt). I wouldn't in a million years expect them to do that and it was really going above and beyond. But the contrast is quite stark.

I don't think she's an awful person. And I am sure that she is not deliberately being awful to me and is not deliberately trying to exclude me or make me feel awful. I know that she has a lot of issues. Which is why we probably bonded in the first place. I think its just that this is what she has capacity to give and the only way she knows how to interact. And I think that its not really working for me!

But that's a different situation, surely -- those friends live in another country and made a big effort to see you as a one-off, precisely because they're only in this country for a week or ten days at Christmas. You and your friend are living two minutes apart for seven weeks, with the prospect of you moving there permanently in time. There's no need for a big gesture like your visiting friends made. It can all be a lot more casual and low-key.
cadburyegg · 08/02/2022 12:48

YANBU. I never understood the idea that weekends are family time only. Very precious IMO. Unfortunately I had a friend like this, she would never meet up with me at the weekend or in the evening (despite many social media posts showing that she was doing that with other people) and eventually she dropped me completely. I agree to make yourself less available. I wish I had done so with my friend, instead I used to bend over backwards to accommodate her. I even took a day's annual leave once to see her when she wouldn't fit me in any other time.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 12:48

"With a one to one friend meet "

OP is NOT insisting on a one-to-one friend meet so your whole reply to me is irrelevant.

TrippinEdBalls · 08/02/2022 12:49

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@TrippinEdBalls You work a full day during your 4 days of work? So normal out of the house 8-6pm ish?[/quote]
I actually work 4.5 days compressed into four so yes, I work a full day, slightly longer than average. I either work from home or have a very short commute (it's a 15 min cycle to work) but OP says she works from home too.

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 08/02/2022 12:52

@WildPoinsettia - I really don't think thats what's going on. I really haven't pushed her at all.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 08/02/2022 12:53

People need to invest in friendships. Unfortunately I have found that some people, and it sounds like OP’s friend is in this bucket, only look on a friendship from their point of view and then get pissed that other people move on

I had a family member who acted similar to OP’s friend - weekends were ‘family time’, the child and/or husband had to be there, dinner had to be early evening etc. Her friendship group started to move on without her and then the family member was pissed that she had no one to support her (as she had not talked to the friends for a good few years) when her partner left her.

OP - you are at different stages in life and sometimes you outgrow friendships. Keep her at a distance and save your time and energy for people who want to spend quality time with you as a Category A friend