Friend won't catch up on weekends...

[Amibeinghighmaintenance]

In a nutshell.

Have been good friends for about five years but not ever lived in the same town. I have just bought a property in the town and am up here for seven weeks getting some things sorted with it. Will move here in a while but am going to rent out in the short term while I get some other stuff sorted.

Friend has a 15 month baby, who has a history of not sleeping well. Works from home two days a week. Has a partner who works from home in a "normal office hours" job and does child care etc. My friend's mother visits every Saturday and helps with child care etc.

I was really looking forward to doing some fun things and catching up with my friend and her family. Her little girl is adorable and I get on fine with her partner.

My friend declared that her "boundary" is that she will not catch up with me on weekends. She wants to catch up either during office hours on the days that she is not working (for cold walks outside) or on a week night. She has come over to mine a couple of times but now will only catch up at her house.

Since I have been here she has had her cousin and their partner visit for a weekend and spent the weekend going out with them. Her and her partner caught up with couple friends one weekend. This weekend she sent me photos from Sunday of her out and about.

I am very happy to do child friendly activities, go places that would suit that etc. Not a problem. I have a high chair at my place. It's not that I want to go out clubbing. I have suggested a Sunday roast, brunch, a walk, a coffee...but nope. Her response is "I can't do weekends". I am literally two minutes away from her. While my job is flexible and I can pop out for a bit during the day I do have to make up that time.

I've just had a message from her saying that she is missing getting texts from me (I really could not be bothered to interact with her text messages this weekend) and do I want to have dinner one night this week. Which presumably will be at her house.

My AIBU is I really can't be bothered with her and the friendship? I get that she has a baby and is tired - but I'm pretty annoyed that she is out and about on weekends doing other stuff but I don't make the grade for weekends, yet she still wants to catch up when it suits her.

Am I overreacting??

[quote Amibeinghighmaintenance]@MeSanniesareBrannies - I know. i know. I have form for ghosting when I can't face conflict. It is a terrible thing to do I know and I don't think her actions warrant that. But it will take a huge amount for me to do it...[/quote]
You don’t need yo babe it out with her or anything like that. I think that this is one of the boons of texting/what’s app. You can take your time to properly articulate what you want to say in a fair, non-confrontational way. You’re clearly a reasonable person, so I’m sure you can come up with something sensible. And then she has time to digest it and respond similarly.

So, I’d send a message basically saying what you’ve said on this thread. If she responds with some understanding, you’ve saved a friendship. If she responds negatively, you’ve lost nothing that you wouldn’t have lost by ghosting. And you’ll know you tried.

Hmmm, not sure on this one. I have a 20 month old and an older daughter and I wouldn’t as a standard meet up with friends over the weekend. My friends are very similar in this regard too, we save it for ‘family’ time. Of course occasionally we meet with friends but not as a standard. My friends and I meet in the week or evenings and very occasionally a Sunday. I would never say it was a boundary or anything though. I just want to prioritise family at the weekend.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - no she has been very enthusiastically encouraging me to move here.

I'm very social and have moved to lots of different countries/cities over the years so am well used to establishing a social network. Obviously I haven't done that in the five weeks I've been here. But I don't think thats the issue.

I am actually very unsure about moving here because it is very small.

I also think you need to say something to her since this clearly really bothers you. I don't quite understand why it bothers you so much, but I'd absolutely listen if you were my friend and try to. Hopefully she'll do the same.

I think you should go for dinner as she suggested

While you are there you could mention that as you're only around for a couple of weeks could you get together at the weekend to do x y or z - she what she says.

YANBU and don’t blame yourself. Your friends setting herself up to be lonely and friendless once the kids grow up or if she gets divorced. Talking from personal experience here.

"Because that leaves her husband out, and she clearly wants weekends with her husband and baby."

OP said in her OP that she doesn't necessarily expect to see OP on her own.

"Single friends and friends with partners and children often have slightly different priorities and boundaries. That's part of growing up and neither is wrong."

I'm single and I have couple friends. They come out together unless one of them has to stay with the children. I also know some who only want to socialise with other couples. While you might not think that is wrong, it at least means they're no longer friends of mine. A true friend doesn't reject you based on your relationship status.

what she is really saying is she wants to spend the weekends with her husband as well. ie which is why she does couple things with other couples on the weekends. Or she might want to talk to you about her husband - just not when he is around on weekends.

You have a choice really. Suck it up or tell her weeknights aren't good for you and maybe you can get together when you're back in the area again. You don't need to part on bad terms and kids aren't little forever.

So what if she only works 2 days a week. She uses the weekend for her time with her partner. She is happy to meet you weekday evenings which not every mother with young children can do. Decide whether you do want her as a friend or only on your terms. You suggest it shouldn't be on her terms but aren't you doubt the same thing but with the luxury of being a singleton without a family.

Weekends are definitely earmarked as family time here. And no a girly catch up with a husband tagging along (even my own) isn't the same.

@HardbackWriter - I think the main reason it bothers me is she's been going on for ages about how I should move here and how great it will be when I'm here - and now I'm here she's said well I can't see on the weekend but I'll catch up with other people. In a nutshell!

And now I'm getting passive aggressive texts about not texting her enough over the weekend.

But I was really starting to escalate emotionally and start to unhelpfully overreact which is why I thought it would help to post on here. Which it has!

@Amibeinghighmaintenance

You're not being unreasonable to feel this way, BUT, could you turn it around and view it another way.. perhaps she sees you as such an understanding, low maintenance friend that she feels she doesn't need to pretend around you? I know I actually see some of my closest friends the least as they're the ones that don't put pressure on me since having my baby. When we do meet up I prefer to make the time to see them without my baby so it's proper quality time, but this obviously takes longer to plan. When we have planned evening meet ups such as dinner I always invite others to my house as it's easier to host than to try and persuade a reluctant relative to babysit. So far in my short experience of motherhood (9 months) is that the people who shout the loudest tend to see us at the weekend. This is usually family, or friends we've already postponed meeting up with a few months running. Basically if you want to see your friend at a weekend you need to plan something weeks in advance and even then still be prepared for the plans to fall through if the baby is being difficult. It sucks, but it's relatively short term and she'll probably be grateful for that lack of pressure. If you're not happy doing that then the only other option is to tell her gently how you feel. It might not change anything, but at least she's then aware of why the friendship is starting to fade. I hope you figure it out between you x

I don't think either of you is unreasonable, but you need to decide whether the friendship is important enough to you both to find a compromise where you see one another at places and times that work for both of you.

One of the things I don't think anyone has picked up on is that while you've been friends for five years, you've never lived in the same town, so presumably have only seen one another sporadically, and not with the regularity you might had you lived close by. This means that it's an adjustment to be running your friendship when you're two minutes away from one another, and changes will be needed. And you also say that your bond is due to a shared past trauma and dysfunction -- this may well mean that for her, you are a one-on-one type friend in whom she can confide and vice versa about personal, difficult stuff, rather than someone she wants to see in a larger group at weekends.

I don't think it has anything to do with not being in a couple. I just think you're in a different part of her life and a different part of her headspace. She doesn't want to see you at weekends. You need to decide whether she's important enough to you to continue to see her during the week.

*doing not doubt

@SeasonFinale - I would never define any catch up that I have as a girly catchup.

She's said this is her boundary. It's up to you to accept that or to not accept that, not to try and persuade her to change her mind.

I like weekends to be priority for family time, I'd prefer to see friends in the evenings in the week. I do sometimes do stuff with friends in the day at the weekend, but often a quick cup of coffee after parkrun rather than a day out. We do go out for lunch/brunch sometimes, but not the norm every weekend. My friendship group has changed since I had kids , I drifted apart from friends who I used to go out with for dinner and drinks at the weekend. I'm just not into late nights out and drinking anymore. I have made new friends who enjoy going out at the same time as me. My friends now are a mix of singles and couples without kids, thinking about it, none of them have kids.

Your friend has made it clear that she isn't free to socialise with you at the weekend. It doesn't matter that she has occasionally socialised with other people, you don't know why and for what reason.
It's ok to feel a bit put out, but she is free to set limits and so are you. I personally don't necessarily agree with others who say to tell her. In my experience it doesn't really need spelling out. If you tell her how you feel, you are either making her do what you want, probably through embarrassment, or force her to tell you she prioritises other people, which can be equally as awkward and serves no purpose seeing as you know that already.
Let other people be and do as they wish, and you do the same. If you feel like meeting up when she suggests, then do so, if you don't, then say you aren't free. You can also stop messaging etc if you aren't feeling great about the friendship.

@Aderyn21

'Boundary' is such a weird way to put it - like you're imposing on her or something. Which is not how genuine friendship should feel. I'd withdraw for her use of that phrase alone.

That's what I'm thinking - its like she's purposely holding you at arms length. It seems odd that she's keen for you to move so close to her but then puts in boundaries around how often and when she'll see you. Did you specifically pick that place because of her?

When words and actions don't match, I judge by actions. She likes the idea of you living nearby but she hasn't made the effort while you visited for a few weeks, that makes me think she'll give you even less time if you actually move near her.

She could feel overwhelmingly busy or she could just be flaky or insincere. I would talk to her about it, not in an accusatory way but put out there that you thought you'd see her more and you've been texting less because she's always so busy. But be prepared that she might have great intentions but no follow through.

@BuckleUp - I do think that there could be something to that. But to be honest I'm not really sure how far I can excuse it on that basis.

I can't stress enough how accommodating I've been. I am very happy for her kid to be the focus of attention when we catch up - I get that. Don't mind last minute cancellations etc. And I haven't put any pressure on her at all. I stopped suggesting weekend things after The Boundary was announced.

But in the meantime I have obviously been quietly starting to seethe more than I realised and her message this morning complaining about not getting enough texts and then suggesting another frickin mid week dinner made me realise that I am actually quite hurt.

Choosing this location to buy the property had nothing to do with her at all.

Actual I think you are being unreasonable.
You are only there for seven weeks and want it to be on your terms. She’s got a baby and partner and different priorities for how she wants to spend her weekend time. She’s also probably already got a pattern of activities and downtime which you want to disrupt. She clearly still wants to see you, but I the time that she has available.

I had this happen because weekends were "family time". I took a few annual leave days to see her but ended up feeling resentful so stopped. I no longer see her. I am sure she would complain about a friend dropping her since she had a baby. In reality I have a life too and work full-time, so my annual leave is very precious.

@Dinosaurwoman saying no weekends ever is incredibly restrictive for anyone who works full-time.