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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner got someone else pregnant

216 replies

soontobe3244 · 06/02/2022 20:13

I don't know what to do partner got someone else pregnant kept it from me only found out when we had a argument drunk says he wants to be with me and loves me but I carnt take him back now how would I ever forgive him?

OP posts:
onedayoranother · 07/02/2022 15:21

Nope. He's out.

Original poster
soontobe3244 · 07/02/2022 15:39

I have got rid he has already gone I know their is no coming back from this just need to concentrate on the kids now it's it's the fact he never mentioned it to me until he was drunk and we was falling out

OP posts:
Original poster
soontobe3244 · 07/02/2022 15:40

Sorry for the slow reply iv been at work

OP posts:
larkstar · 07/02/2022 15:59

@soontobe3244

He says he dosent want anything to do with the child and already told her this
And you want to be with this guy!? Speaking as a man - this guy sounds like the lowest of the low to me.
TheWeeDonkey · 07/02/2022 17:02

@soontobe3244

I have got rid he has already gone I know their is no coming back from this just need to concentrate on the kids now it's it's the fact he never mentioned it to me until he was drunk and we was falling out
Well done. I'm so sorry he turned out to be such an arse. The coming out with it when he was drunk is bad. That he's still not being fully truthful with you is not acceptable. Do you have friends who can support you?
AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2022 18:34

@soontobe3244

I have got rid he has already gone I know their is no coming back from this just need to concentrate on the kids now it's it's the fact he never mentioned it to me until he was drunk and we was falling out
Good! You've done the right thing for you and for your children.

Now, I suggest you just sit back and concentrate on you. Don't try to jump back into the dating pool. You need time on your own to figure out just who you are and what is right for you and your children.

Remember that you need have nothing to do with him other than making your children available for contact with him. Don't get involved in his messy life. Don't facilitate by having him in the house or doing 'picks and drops'. Let him do the work and pull his own parenting weight from now on.

One thing to think about although no decision needs to be made right now is how much, if any, involvement you want your children to have with their half-sibling. And how you are going to tell them about him/her. Even if that man keeps to his decision of having nothing to do with the child, there is still the distinct possibility that the mother, or someone else, may tell them somewhere down the line.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 09/02/2022 21:31

Would you have otherwise found out if he wasn’t drunk? Or got someone pregnant? Was he bothered cheating on you in the first place? You deserve better, know your worth ❤️

Piecrust32 · 09/02/2022 22:12

You deserve SO much better, its daunting now but things will improve

There is 4 weeks age gap between dc4 and his other child , I only found out when she turned up on the doorstep ! Never seen the man go deathly white in seconds

Fast forward 8 years I'm living my best life, amazing partner, new baby etc

OctMama · 09/02/2022 22:26

Hi OP

I am glad to hear you have left this man and I am sorry to hear about the pain he has caused you and your children. Wishing you nothing but love and healing.
My EP abandoned me the moment I became pregnant and it recently came out that he had been living a double life between myself and his OW who is now his fiancée. The whole situation is a mess and he has fed us both a pack of lies although she is choosing to stick by him and hope our little baby will disappear. He is no catch like your man and I wouldn’t be surprised if he hasn’t been honest with the pregnant woman either.

mummykel16 · 10/02/2022 01:08

@soontobe3244

I have got rid he has already gone I know their is no coming back from this just need to concentrate on the kids now it's it's the fact he never mentioned it to me until he was drunk and we was falling out
I hope you get all the help you need op, it will take time to get right but you are at least on the right track
Tiana4 · 10/02/2022 07:27

@soontobe3244 did a drip feed earlier that quietly slipped in an important fact.
They were on a break - split up !!- when he got OW pregnant. That's not cheating! When you split up each of you are free to sleep with someone else

If baby is due in May OW is about 26 weeks pregnant, We don't know when she told DP. She may have told him recently . He'd need time to get his head round it. We don't know how long OP and DP were on a break for and when they got back together.

Yeah he could have told OP but actually he did tell her! Before baby is born.

OP and DP sound like they have a volatile relationship so I can imagine he'd dread telling her and there would never be a good time to - so midst argument when she's angry anyway might have made sense to him at the time!

So other than he made a promise he'd have nothing to do with baby - could have been said to appease OP in her anger with the hope OP would come round later but it doesn't reflect well on him, i don't get all the vitriol directed at her DP for being a "cheater and a liar" when he's not the former and we don't know if he's the latter . He omitted for a while but we don't know if he actually lied

Tiana4 · 10/02/2022 07:30

This is what OP said 24 posts in- her 4th post

On a break as they say but he came back and never mentioned anything to me the baby due in may only found out last night

Tiana4 · 10/02/2022 07:38

OP doesn't even make it clear if they have DCs together. Is that his 2 other DCs- that they have 2 DCs together? Or if she has DCs from another relationship? How many ? How long have they been living together?

did she kick him out last time when they were on this break during the time he got OW pregnant? How long were they split up for?

Seriously MNers have you not noticed she's missed out so much relevant information?? and is all very vague about facts that are rather relevant to her AIBU

Suzanne999 · 10/02/2022 07:51

@SamMil

God, no.

Not only did he get someone else pregnant, he has also:
1 - lied to you.
2 - only come clean, during an argument, to hurt you.
3 - said that he doesn't want to be in his child's life.

He's not exactly a catch, is he.

^^^ This. And I’d add irresponsible, has he never heard of condoms? She may have not been the only one so maybe get an STI check as well as getting the locks changed ?
BlubFestival · 10/02/2022 09:37

OP - I know someone who stayed. It is a hard hard choice but possible. The child is integrated in to family as though in a blended family way - shared custody essentially. So they are growing up with their siblings in their life.

Only you know if you can deal with that.

Original poster
soontobe3244 · 10/02/2022 09:39

We have 2 dc together 8 and 7 been together 9 years we went on a break in may got back together November he has known from the start about the baby so kept it a secret for quite along time

OP posts:
kirinm · 10/02/2022 10:03

Who has "a break" for 6 months when they have two kids? Obviously very hurtful but it doesn't sound like he cheated.

It would still feel like he cheated and I couldn't cope with him having a child with someone else. Plus his attitude towards that child makes him sound like a grade A prick.

Why did you split in the first place?

Whammyyammy · 10/02/2022 10:12

He sounds like such a delightful chap. You bagged a good one there OP.... keep hold of him 🤣🤣🤣

Tamworth123 · 10/02/2022 10:13

The break of several months of a couple with two kids tells me there was something not right in your relationship before all this.

And I bet it was caused by his behaviour.

Tamworth123 · 10/02/2022 10:17

He's lied about getting anothefcwknan pregnant and having anothet child for quite a while.

He's only told you, longterm partner amd mother of his kids to hurt you during arguments (what were you arguing about?),

He's not doing the visit decent thing and supporting and seeing his other child; the circumstances of their conception was not their fault, it was his and the mother's.

All in all, a scumbag. Bet the break and the arguing this came out during was because of other scum baggy shit behavior.

MsVanDeKamp · 10/02/2022 10:48

He says he dosent want anything to do with the child and already told her this

the damage he is doing to another life and he doesnt even care. this alone would be me gone. I would not want a man around my children full time who thinks lying to his wife and then disowning an innocent new life is acceptable.

VestaTilley · 10/02/2022 10:56

End it with him.

He’s cheated on you - he’s a shit.

If he’s not seeing his child and paying maintenance he’s even more of a shit.

Leave.

BunnyRuddington · 10/02/2022 11:09

The deciding factor for me would be that he wants nothing to do with the child.

I find men who don't look after their DC really, really unappealing.
He has no respect for you, your DC, his DC or the other Woman.

I don't say this lightly but for me it would be a no.

I would however try and contact the other Woman so that your DC could have some kind of relationship with their Sibling.

BunnyRuddington · 10/02/2022 11:13

Forgot to second the suggestion of getting an STI check as some STIs don't have obvious symptoms.

You can find your local service here Thanks

Tiana4 · 10/02/2022 11:23

FOR GOD SAKE PEOPLE!! Read what OP has written, she's been very disingenuous

He DID NOT CHEAT. They were split up for 6 months when he got the other woman pregnant. She may have been a ONS or more likely his girlfriend whilst OP and he were not together

OP and DP have only been back together 2 and a months

OP angry he has just told her now that his girlfriend whilst they were broken up is nearly 5 months pregnant. He DID tell her, just not straight away.

I can see why he'd pace sharing that information because - with 2 DCs together OP and DP clearly have a volatile relationship including a break up of 6 months during 9 years together.

People don't usually tell others in first 12 weeks of pg and we don't know if his previous gf was choosing between whether to keep baby or not or what else was going on. DP is very likely to have been scared of setting OP off again. And frankly he has- bc she's walked out on him because he had sex/ a relationship whilst they were broken up!! Controlling much?? OP had let all the MNers on here call him a cheater and names when she KNEW all along they weren't together for 6 months

Yes @soontobe3244 YABU and dishonest yourself