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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking older son into the ladies?

358 replies

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 16:14

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

OP posts:
museumum · 05/02/2022 16:17

There should always be some kind of accessible loo. It is not acceptable if there is not.

DreamerSeven · 05/02/2022 16:18

Why can’t you go into the mens with him? It sounds really tough though.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/02/2022 16:20

I would use the mens or the disabled toilet together.

I very rarely see a public toilet that does not have men women's and disabled.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 05/02/2022 16:20

I really think under these circumstances I would not bat an eyelid at a teen boy in the ladies. There’s separate cubicles and he’s supervised by his mum.

PonyPatter44 · 05/02/2022 16:20

A child should be in the toilets that match the gender of the parent. A disabled boy like your DS should be in the womens toilet with you despite his age, because he can't safely use the mens toilet alone. Thats really quite straightforward.

Don't get me started on the absence of suitable disabled toilets...that in itself is a disgrace.

RedCandyApple · 05/02/2022 16:21

Disabled toilets...

AtLeastPretendToCare · 05/02/2022 16:22

Why do you assume you can’t go into the mens? Why is this worse than him being in the ladies?

MrsWinters · 05/02/2022 16:23

Can you get him a sunflower invisible disability lanyard? Most people now recognise that.
I have to say I wouldn’t want someone bringing their teenage boy into the ladies, but if it’s was for a reason like yours I wouldn’t mind

Lovemylittlebear · 05/02/2022 16:23

Wouldn’t think twice about this - it is NOT the same as a man deciding to use the female toilets. Developmentally he needs the support of his mum by the sound of things. There should be an accessible toilet but if not this sounds like a suitable option. X

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 16:25

I wouldn’t have an issue with you using the ladies with him. He has a disability.

MrsWinters · 05/02/2022 16:25

@AtLeastPretendToCare

“Why do you assume you can’t go into the mens? Why is this worse than him being in the ladies?”

I’m guessing because with there being urinals men might have their todgers out and feel uncomfortable.

oatlattetogo · 05/02/2022 16:25

I personally think it’s better for the two of you to go into the men’s than for him to go into the ladies, but I don’t think in the circumstances it’s ‘wrong’ for him to be with you.

Does he need physical help from you due to his incontinence?

WhiteXmas21 · 05/02/2022 16:25

As long as he is supervised, he should go to the ladies with you, if there’s no disabled one available.

I am sorry you have been shouted at.

19lottie82 · 05/02/2022 16:27

Why not use the disabled toilets?

Franklydear · 05/02/2022 16:28

@Chichimcgee similar situation, 11 year old autistic boy, I was getting looks in the ladies, so I asked the council for a radar key for the disabled toilets, also helps with no queueing, less noises and bigger space than a cubicle, win win really

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 16:28

@19lottie82

Why not use the disabled toilets?
It’s right there in the op. There isn’t always one.

We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

Sablemablelable · 05/02/2022 16:29

I can't believe that in this day and age there isn't always a disabled toilet available. Or is it that it's being used by a perfectly able bodied male who couldn't possibly take his shit in the cubicles in the men's? They also like to use the baby change and family toilets lots too.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 05/02/2022 16:30

I used to be out and about with adult men with severe disabilities in my previous job and obviously always used the disabled toilet for them. It's shocking and disgraceful that you're finding there isn't always a disabled toilet Chichimcgee . I don't think there's a right answer when there isn't one - you shouldn't have to take him into the women's - this is also frightening and embarrassing for some women, including teens with similar challenges to your son. That's not your fault, but you shouldn't be put in a position where you have no choice.

If you feel up to complaining about the lack of disabled facilities that would be really helpful, but it shouldn't be on you and obviously sometimes its just too much!

LittleBearPad · 05/02/2022 16:30

I simply can’t understand women shouting at you and him. It’s extremely unkind.

RedCandyApple · 05/02/2022 16:31

Pretty much everywhere where there are toilets also have disabled toilets.

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 16:31

@Sablemablelable

I can't believe that in this day and age there isn't always a disabled toilet available. Or is it that it's being used by a perfectly able bodied male who couldn't possibly take his shit in the cubicles in the men's? They also like to use the baby change and family toilets lots too.
Or is it that it's being used by a perfectly able bodied male who couldn't possibly take his shit in the cubicles in the men's? They also like to use the baby change and family toilets lots too.

Why 'male'? Confused Have you never read the tonnes of accessible toilets threads on MN, where loads of able bodied women say they use them?

Gizacluethen · 05/02/2022 16:32

How can there be no accessible toilet? I thought it was a legal requirement where there's toilets.
If you have to take him into the women's then you have to accept women might not be happy about it.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 05/02/2022 16:33

Does he have x-ray vision? I've never understood women getting all het up over this. They can't see you sitting on the toilet through the cubicle door!

Men expose themselves to use urinals and the OP going in to the men's isn't fair on either party

Franklydear · 05/02/2022 16:34

Apologies, I should read better, also very privileged that in practically all the places I normally go to there’s a disabled toilet, us usually requiring a key so randoms cannot use it, in the one occasion that wasn’t, I took him in the ladies, one woman complaint, and I told her if she was so offended by a disabled child, she could wait outside, we’ll only be a minute, only 2 cubicles there.

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 16:35

@Gizacluethen

How can there be no accessible toilet? I thought it was a legal requirement where there's toilets. If you have to take him into the women's then you have to accept women might not be happy about it.
It's only a legal requirement in new public buildings. Having said that, the only places I don't see them are tiny family run cafes or very small old listed buildings such as museums etc.
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