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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking older son into the ladies?

358 replies

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 16:14

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

OP posts:
KissedintheDark · 05/02/2022 16:55

*wouldn't bat...

Roselilly36 · 05/02/2022 16:56

Use the disabled loo, buy a radar key.

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 16:57

@liveforsummer

If you go into the men’s you’re likely to see men using urinals ( which they may object to)

So mens feelings need to be considered over women's. Got it!

The person needing to expose their genitals should be considered over the person who does not.

Surely that's obvious?

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 17:00

@Roselilly36

Use the disabled loo, buy a radar key.
Open thread, read opening post.
Mogul · 05/02/2022 17:01

@dreamerseven because she is a woman

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:02

@Roselilly36

Use the disabled loo, buy a radar key.
And when there is no disabled loo free?
liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 17:03

There could well be women with prams etc in public toilets having to leave their door open. Lots of people on here mention doing this, I've had to do it myself on many occasion. It's also very easy to pee at a urinal not exposing much at all and typically the men using them will be facing away from those walking in so all you can see are their backs. Mens toilets are often much quieter too as they are in and out in a much quicker time.

rookiemere · 05/02/2022 17:05

I wouldn't be annoyed about a boy being in the women's toilets in that situation, I can't imagine why others would be, particularly as he was obviously accompanied by you. A sunflower lanyard might be a good idea.

It's very different from 8+ boys being in the women's changing rooms at a swimming pool. Firstly the whole point of changing rooms is taking your clothes off at some point so don't particularly want someone of opposite sex there, and secondly there are disabled changing rooms in most sports establishments so there's no need for that situation to arise.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 05/02/2022 17:05

@liveforsummer

If you go into the men’s you’re likely to see men using urinals ( which they may object to)

So mens feelings need to be considered over women's. Got it!

Hmm

Women aren't using urinals or having their genitals out in front of others in this instance are they?

rookiemere · 05/02/2022 17:06

I've been using women's toilets for over 50 years. In that time I have never seen a toilet door being propped open because of a pram.

Newmumatlast · 05/02/2022 17:06

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

Does he have x-ray vision? I've never understood women getting all het up over this. They can't see you sitting on the toilet through the cubicle door!

Men expose themselves to use urinals and the OP going in to the men's isn't fair on either party

Agreed. I dont get why it is frightening as PP has said bearing in mind he is still a child and with his mum not alone. There are cubicles.
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 05/02/2022 17:06

@liveforsummer

There could well be women with prams etc in public toilets having to leave their door open. Lots of people on here mention doing this, I've had to do it myself on many occasion. It's also very easy to pee at a urinal not exposing much at all and typically the men using them will be facing away from those walking in so all you can see are their backs. Mens toilets are often much quieter too as they are in and out in a much quicker time.
Another reason there should be accessible toilets everywhere. Women shouldn't be having to urinate with the door open in a public space

I also disagree with men having to use urinals but that's not my argument to have

Comedycook · 05/02/2022 17:07

Disabled toilets are obviously preferable.

Whether you use the men's or women's is neither here nor there imo...what a difficult situation for you

newnameforthis76 · 05/02/2022 17:09

I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit bothered by you bringing your son into the women’s loos. Women’s loos have cubicles; it’s not like he’s going to see anyone having a wee. If I was in the Ladies and someone brought their son in, regardless of the son’s age, I would assume there was a good reason and let them get on with it.

MajesticallyAwkward · 05/02/2022 17:09

I wouldn't look twice at a boy in the toilets with his mum clearly needing help. It might be different when he's an adult, but there not being disabled facilities is the real problem.

There's a huge difference between a little boy who needs his mums help in a cubicle in the ladies than a woman going into the mens toilets- both her and the child are more vulnerable in that situation.

It's shocking there is still a lack of suitable facilities for disabled toilets. Anyone shouting at you is in the wrong.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 05/02/2022 17:11

I've always taken my son into the disabled toilets (still have to now and he's late 20s).

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2022 17:13

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut has given one reason why someone might not just rationally think this and be fine about it.

The answer is more accessible toilets. I sympathise both with the poster you mentioned and the young lad who is disabled and has no safe access to a toilet other than with his mum on the ladies. It’s horrible.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/02/2022 17:16

@funinthesun19. Exactly this. In this day and age there really is no reason not to have accessible toilets. It's a basic facility.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:18

[quote nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]@funinthesun19. Exactly this. In this day and age there really is no reason not to have accessible toilets. It's a basic facility.[/quote]
Absolutely.
But while there is no available accessible toilet, the op still has to go somewhere with her son. In her circumstances, I’d be using the ladies too.

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2022 17:18

He’s a disabled child who needs assistance. You just say ‘he has autism and needs my help. If you don’t like it find someone to complain to’ and say it loudly and confidently.

MillieMoonbeam · 05/02/2022 17:19

There’s a huge difference between men who (or don’t) dress as women loitering in the ladies loos than a disabled male child needing his mums help to toilet OP.

I would not be happy with men pretending to be women in a female only space. I wouldn’t give it a second thought in your case

Skippingabeat · 05/02/2022 17:20

@AtLeastPretendToCare

Why do you assume you can’t go into the mens? Why is this worse than him being in the ladies?
For the same reason that any woman wouldn't want to go into the men's toilet. That it's uncomfortable seeing men peeing in the urinals, and could be dangerous.

A disabled teen or even adult in the women toilet with his mom is not a danger to anyone.

So no YANBU

MrsRugbyMa · 05/02/2022 17:21

@modgepodge

I have to say I find these replies interesting, with the vast majority saying it’s fine to go in the ladies. Yet when someone posts about their 8 year old going swimming they’re told he must be in the men’s by himself, showering and changing completely independently as it’s unacceptable for an 8 year old boy to be in the women’s. Mumsnet is so unpredictable at times!

Clearly the answer is To use the disabled, and to complain if there isn’t one (unacceptable in this day and age). As someone else said, a sunflower landward might prevent shouting and unkindness if you really do have to use the women’s.

OP's son will be in a loo cubicle as will other loo visitors; girls and mums don't have to get undressed in front of him, it's a different situation, isn't that quite obvious?
DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 17:22

[quote nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]@funinthesun19. Exactly this. In this day and age there really is no reason not to have accessible toilets. It's a basic facility.[/quote]
There really is though if the building is not suitable. My local tiny cafe for example just has one toilet and it's a small unisex cubicle. There just isn't enough room to build an accessible one and if they were to extend the building at the back, you'd have to walk through the kitchen to get to it. Also some visitor attractions such as very small museums/buildings that are a few hundred years old.

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2022 17:27

But if there aren’t accessible toilets complaining there and then won’t help, will it? The first priority is allowing him to use a toilet.

I have no idea how people think a disabled child who is with his mother is a risk.