Taking older son into the ladies?

[Chichimcgee]

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

@SartresSoul

There should always be a disabled toilet available and I’ve never been anywhere where this isn’t the case.

Lucky you.

There are some really awful people on this post. What possible threat do you think a disabled 12 year old being supervised by his mother is to you?

Where is your empathy? You are crying about it being unacceptable like some predatory male is invading your safe space but where is your concern for the well-being and safety of a disabled child? Ableism at its finest.

I've name changed to post this. I'm diagnosed autistic with severe anxiety and ocd.

I was sexually assaulted in a toilet when I was about eleven (by a man I knew from church, not a random stranger, but still).

Is it still just "ableist" and "unempathetic" of me to be terrified, rooted to the floor in terror by by men (and their deep voices) in toilets, no matter who they are or who they are with?

Is it really just my unbelievable privilege talking that if possible, I'd prefer mums to take their sons to piss somewhere else if they could as they get older and older? Really?

Of course, if it helps you feel better, there are loads of places I wouldn't dare go because of the fear I live with anyway. Years of therapy haven't helped.

@iumerp

I've name changed to post this. I'm diagnosed autistic with severe anxiety and ocd.

I was sexually assaulted in a toilet when I was about eleven (by a man I knew from church, not a random stranger, but still).

Is it still just "ableist" and "unempathetic" of me to be terrified, rooted to the floor in terror by by men (and their deep voices) in toilets, no matter who they are or who they are with?

Is it really just my unbelievable privilege talking that if possible, I'd prefer mums to take their sons to piss somewhere else if they could as they get older and older? Really?

Of course, if it helps you feel better, there are loads of places I wouldn't dare go because of the fear I live with anyway. Years of therapy haven't helped.

We are not talking about a man though this is a severely disabled child ,if I was in the ops position I would do the same what's the alternative,my son can't be left alone ,In an ideal world we would have " changing places " available everywhere,I doubt the Op wants to take her son into the female toilets I know I wouldn't ,but my priority would be my son's safety.

@iumerp I'm sorry that happened to you, it's horrific. Nobody would deny that. But surely you can still understand the need for a disabled child to be supervised and assisted by his mother in this scenario?

The fault lies with establishments that haven't provided disabled facilities for whatever reason.

Your trauma is valid, of course it is. But a woman going into the mens is at risk of the same sort of attack. So is a vulnerable boy going in alone.

It's a shit situation but it's so unfair to make the op feel like she's doing something wrong here.

It just feels like, once again, same sex spaces are being opened up to accommodate males

I think that’s really unfair, it’s not like he asked to be a disabled male with a single mum or loves going to the ladies loos. It’s a rare occurrence and I want to make sure if/when it happens again I do what I can to make sure it’s not traumatic for anyone.

Those saying go to the male loos. Would you be ok with a dad taking his 20 year old disabled daughter into the ladies?

@trunktoes I’m happy for him to wear a lanyard, happy to call out and let people know we are there, we have hand sanitizer so we’re not in there longer than necessary. I take every action to make sure he won’t need the toilet.
However I will NOT limit his life by saying we can’t go somewhere when he already misses out on so much.

@Chichimcgee

It just feels like, once again, same sex spaces are being opened up to accommodate males

I think that’s really unfair, it’s not like he asked to be a disabled male with a single mum or loves going to the ladies loos. It’s a rare occurrence and I want to make sure if/when it happens again I do what I can to make sure it’s not traumatic for anyone.

Those saying go to the male loos. Would you be ok with a dad taking his 20 year old disabled daughter into the ladies?

@trunktoes I’m happy for him to wear a lanyard, happy to call out and let people know we are there, we have hand sanitizer so we’re not in there longer than necessary. I take every action to make sure he won’t need the toilet.
However I will NOT limit his life by saying we can’t go somewhere when he already misses out on so much.

Well said

@iumerp

I've name changed to post this. I'm diagnosed autistic with severe anxiety and ocd.

I was sexually assaulted in a toilet when I was about eleven (by a man I knew from church, not a random stranger, but still).

Is it still just "ableist" and "unempathetic" of me to be terrified, rooted to the floor in terror by by men (and their deep voices) in toilets, no matter who they are or who they are with?

Is it really just my unbelievable privilege talking that if possible, I'd prefer mums to take their sons to piss somewhere else if they could as they get older and older? Really?

Of course, if it helps you feel better, there are loads of places I wouldn't dare go because of the fear I live with anyway. Years of therapy haven't helped.

I am really sorry to hear about your experiences, but I live in fear that my son will be attacked as you were if he goes into a male toilet on his own, unfortunately a real and realistic fear. Men assault and rape boys as well as girls.

Boys who go into women's toilets with their mothers, are with their mothers all the time. They are also still children.

I am very sorry about your experiences