Taking older son into the ladies?

[Chichimcgee]

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

@Roselilly36

I am disabled (MS), I am not suggesting anyone should buy a radar key, unless they are entitled to do so *@PurpleDaisies* not every disability is visible. OP sounds more than entitled to use whatever toilet she needs with her son. But unfortunately, many people don’t recognise even in 2022 that not every disability is visible their problem, not yours.

Are you sure you meant to tag me? I’m not sure what I’ve said to provoke that comment @Roselilly36.

@eejervis because in the context of a toilet, an incontinent child’s needs come first whatever their gender. You are either a troll or pretty heartless.

Why does a disabled boy's needs come before the needs of a neurodiverse girl?

Nobody has said that but what’s the answer? If your daughter needed help and supervision using the toilet and she was with her dad would you tell him to just let her wet/soil herself?

Why does a disabled boy's needs come before the needs of a neurodiverse girl?

Because he's just about to piss himself and needs to get inside the private cubicle with his mum in tow, very quickly.

Of course you can go in the Ladies and in case no ones told you today you are amazing.

With all due respect I don’t think you should limit what you do due to phobias, are you getting help and support for that? Birds are everywhere and always will be, you can’t actually avoid them. I hope she grows out of it or gets support so it’s not too bad

@Whingasaurus aw thank you so much! It’s my birthday and I’m in a refuge with my son, heavily pregnant and feeling utterly rubbish to be honest so I needed that

I think it's an incredibly difficult situation. I'm honestly not a troll or a heartless person, I was just coming at it from a different perspective of how it could impact upon others like another child with autism.

But are you planning on taking him into the ladies indefinitely? Will it still be ok once he's 18? Surely there reaches a point where you will have to either know beforehand that there are adequate disabled facilities or he will need a male carer?

@eejervis why should my neurodiverse son or my NT son for that matter be made uncomfortable by the op taking him into the male toilets?

Teach your child that disability comes in all different forms and some older children may need to be in there with their mum

Sorry but anyone questioning or challenging the OP in this scenario is nasty in my opinion. If you have had trauma that makes this particularly uncomfortable for you then of course that's valid too. But the situation here is self explanatory - he is a disabled child who needs his mothers help. To make him feel like he is doing anything wrong in that situation is nasty.

Everyone has their own struggles and traumas. Some more than others. But exercising a little compassion and common sense is needed sometimes.

But are you planning on taking him into the ladies indefinitely? Will it still be ok once he's 18? Surely there reaches a point where you will have to either know beforehand that there are adequate disabled facilities or he will need a male carer?

So the OP should limit her life even further because of poor facilities? Why should that be the answer to anything?

Having a severely disabled child is already limiting enough. My son struggles to even leave the house are you suggesting if he asks to go somewhere I should say no just because the toilet facilties are less than ideal?

@Honeysuckle45

Sorry but anyone questioning or challenging the OP in this scenario is nasty in my opinion. If you have had trauma that makes this particularly uncomfortable for you then of course that's valid too. But the situation here is self explanatory - he is a disabled child who needs his mothers help. To make him feel like he is doing anything wrong in that situation is nasty.

Everyone has their own struggles and traumas. Some more than others. But exercising a little compassion and common sense is needed sometimes.

If you have had trauma that makes this particularly uncomfortable for you then of course that's valid too. But the situation here is self explanatory - he is a disabled child who needs his mothers help. To make him feel like he is doing anything wrong in that situation is nasty.

That's exactly my point. The women were very nasty for shouting, there was just no need for it.

There are often male cleaners in the womens toilets. Doesn’t bother me a bit. I would t mind at all if you brought your son in to the womens when I was there. Unaccompanied boys/men of 10ish and above I might struggle with a bit though.

i do this and quite Frankly dont give a shit on peoples opinions if its wrong or not
i got enough on my plate being a 24/7 sole carer and
double extreme stress when out and about so their feelings are irrelevant to me.

mine are 17 and 11 both very big boys 17:6ft 2, 11: 5ft 4 both autistic both have many more conditions/disabilities each as well

both need 24/7 care and im a single mother,
i also have a disabled key had one for years.

ive had many run in over the years and they have been told that my sons welfare and safety comes way before their arseness and offence on seeing a male child enter a cubicle

its got way better over the years as 99.9% of place have a disabled toilet and if they dont i use a baby changing one because i need the room(if it has a toilet as they are not in nappies) and the 3 or us go in there.

you then get the looks and comments of they dont look disabled you shouldn't be there

you have enough stress having a disabled child and looking after their needs/distress outside
bugger anyone else's problem with it.
as a disabled parent you do what you have to do

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall

I have no idea about your sons, I was talking about my DD and how I think it might make her react and feel. Of course I would try and explain to her about why he was there, but she sees the world in a very black and white way, and a teenage boy unexpectedly being in the ladies would be at complete odds with that. It's possible that it wouldn't be a problem. It's equally possible that it would end up being another thing on a long list of anxieties, and she would no longer want to go into toilets in case older boys were in there.

But are you planning on taking him into the ladies indefinitely? Will it still be ok once he's 18?

If we are out without a disabled toilet then yes I will. He has had surgery, he’s due more surgery. I am doing everything I can to help him gain whatever independence is possible but chances are he will always need my help.

I don’t stroll into the ladies and faff about. We use the disabled toilet or his toilet card if there’s a shop nearby. I will pop my head in if there’s chance and if there’s anyone in there I’ll say I have my disabled son with me. We use the closest cubicle, use hand sanitizer to save time and I constantly talk to him in the cubicle so if anyone comes in they’re aware that I’m in there helping my son.

I posted because I understand it’s not nice for women to have a teenage boy in their loos, I have no intention of upsetting anyone or causing any issues. I will take on board the lanyard advice and trying to make sure the ladies are empty as well as complaining about lack of disabled toilets. My son and I have an amazing relationship, I’m not going to stop doing things with him or have a male carer doing things with him just in case he needs the toilet.

I would have no problem with this at all. Needs must.

For you, OP, and your son

@eejervis you are absolutely right in that you haven't got the foggiest idea or empathy
grinds teeth
which is why I suggested & you didn't read that op should politely warn people & wear a lanyard
Many people with ASD (& often those with LD) are frequently considered to be on the lowest level of the hierarchy of disability
Op has my sympathy as does anybody who has ANY form of impairment who has difficulty with accessing toilets when they are needed & yes that does include those who have panic attacks in these circumstances - the issues are accessible toileting for everyone that needs it & the shutting down of public toilets'
If i had my way all toilets would single cubicle rooms with sinks with enough space for mums with toddlers or those who need helpers (& adult change "shelves") & a smaller separate space for male urinals

It totally wouldn’t bother me but there’s always those that it will, Sounds like your having a tricky time atm so you Take Care and use what ever toilet you feel like

My work place has individual rooms with a sink and a toilet in each. I think most facilities where possible should be similar rather than two rooms of cubicles and a couple of disabled toilets.

Personally I wouldn't mind being in the ladies with you and your son even if he were an adult, but I appreciate not everyone feels the same. Some are massively ridiculous though, when my son was six I was told off for taking him into the toilets with me.

@eejervis you still haven't suggested what op should actually do in this situation then. In the event that there are no disabled loos should she go in the mens? What if there is an autistic 10 year old boy in there who may have the same reaction as your dd to seeing a woman in the mens?

The womens is the lesser of two evils in my opinion as it at least offers private cubicles.

@Millionairesshortbreadshort this absolutely - very strong point!!!!

Also just to add, OP you sound like an amazing mum and a thoughtful person. You are doing everything you can in a very difficult situation. Anyone who challenges you is a dickhead and should be ashamed. Don't let them spoil your time with your ds.

It wouldn't bother me, although of course there should be a disabled option. At least in the Ladies' there are cubicles - if you accompany him into the men's toilets there may be men at the urinals.

As another poster said, I would take it that you had a good reason for being there. I would feel very bad about the situation if I witnessed someone shouting at you.