Page 14 | Taking older son into the ladies?

Chichimcgee · 2022-02-05T16:14:21+00:00

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet. I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s? WWYD?

Wheelz46 · 06/02/2022 11:23

@trunktoes depends where you live there doesn't it, what if it's the only museum close by, why should a child be deprived of going somewhere because the venue haven't provided the correct facilities.

Yes he will get older but at present he is 12 and she is asking about the now, and posters are telling her she should go into the men's toilets with her 12 year old, that's not safe for the poster.

Crayfishforyou · 06/02/2022 11:26

If I saw an older boy in the ladies being assisted I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Some people have no empathy or understanding whatsoever.

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 11:27

@Spikeyball we all have to make decisions based on our circumstances. There are places you can't bring kids so if you want to go out with kids you go somewhere else. There are places that won't allow dogs, places where you need to wear a mask etc etc. if there are no other options then fair enough but there are plenty of places that will accomodate. Some places only have unisex toilets if you don't like it you can go somewhere else. I hardly think that compares to removing ladies toilets that are there for a safeguarding issue

Sirzy · 06/02/2022 11:28

Ds rarely wants to go out. On top of all his issues he has crippling anxiety.

According to some on here if he asks to go somewhere which has poor disabled facilities I should say no rather than make the best of it?

MaggieFS · 06/02/2022 11:28

A teenage looking boy obviously being assisted by his mum clearly has some kind of need. It's completely different from an unaccompanied teenage boy sauntering in. I might wonder why you hadn't used the disabled loo, but it really wouldn't bother me.

Please ignore those who shout at you.

harbourlane · 06/02/2022 11:28

I don't think anybody on the thread has talked about which facilities the boy himself might feel more comfortable using, especially as he gets older and further into his teenage years. Will he want to continue to be taken into the womens toilet with his mum like a child?

If the consensus is that the mum should warn people before she goes into the womens, then why couldn't she do the same going into the mens? There might be men at the urinals but she wouldn't be looking at them, she'd be leading him to a cubicle and loudly announcing sorry, I need to help my disabled son.

mugoftea456 · 06/02/2022 11:29

As a woman and a mother I wouldn't even take any notice of you taking your son in the women's.

If anyone did raise it with you, I would imagine most decent humans would be understanding of the situation.

I think it's far worse asking a random male to keep an eye on him in the men's.

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 11:30

@Sirzy maybe his dad could take him if the toilets are an issue or maybe you can go somewhere else. If only 10 percent of places had disabled toilets I would get your point but it's more like 90 percent so there are plenty of other options

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 11:32

I don't think it's an issue now because he is still young, but once he gets to 15/16 it will be. Do those in support advocate him changing in the ladies when swimming? There are plenty of pools with disabled and unisex facilities so you just don't go to the ones that are single sex with a boy that can't undress himself

x2boys · 06/02/2022 11:37

@harbourlane

I don't think anybody on the thread has talked about which facilities the boy himself might feel more comfortable using, especially as he gets older and further into his teenage years. Will he want to continue to be taken into the womens toilet with his mum like a child?

If the consensus is that the mum should warn people before she goes into the womens, then why couldn't she do the same going into the mens? There might be men at the urinals but she wouldn't be looking at them, she'd be leading him to a cubicle and loudly announcing sorry, I need to help my disabled son.

If the Op,s son is anything like my son ,he won't care which toilets he goes in my son has no concept of male and female toilets ,he will always need assistance.

Spikeyball · 06/02/2022 11:38

trunktoes disability is a protected characteristic. The other things you mention are not. If people want to say that using the female toilet in the OP's situation is not reasonable that is an opinion they are entitled to have. Saying that he shouldn't go to wherever it is, is the solution is discriminatory.

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 11:38

@Spikeyball being female is a protected characteristic

LittleBearPad · 06/02/2022 11:46

@trunktoes

I don't think it's an issue now because he is still young, but once he gets to 15/16 it will be. Do those in support advocate him changing in the ladies when swimming? There are plenty of pools with disabled and unisex facilities so you just don't go to the ones that are single sex with a boy that can't undress himself

Which isn’t equivalent to the situation the OP finds herself in.

There are a lot of straw men on this thread - pretty much all of which are based in unkindness and lack of empathy.

KitBumbleB · 06/02/2022 11:49

Sex is a protected characteristic, as is race (which includes culture) and religion.

It must be an absolute nightmare for the OP and any other parent of a disabled child, as I said, a young male with his mum coming into the ladies wouldn't bother me at all, I would assume there was a good reason for it, but not every woman would agree, and I have no right to tell any other woman how to feel about a sensitive topic.
The real villain here is the lack of accessible toilets

Spikeyball · 06/02/2022 11:50

Having kids or a dog or not liking unisex facilities aren't which is what you likened disability to. I know you have form for not understanding discrimination so I will leave it there.

Spikeyball · 06/02/2022 11:50

That was to trunktoes.

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 11:59

@Spikeyball no I did not. There are toilets available to him - the ones that match his sex. It's not an issue now but in a couple of years it will be. If OP doesn't want to use the toilets available to him she has choices to go to other places that do. Most places do.

Spikeyball · 06/02/2022 12:15

As I said before you don't understand disability discrimination.

strawberrrycheeesecake · 06/02/2022 12:16

@trunktoes

What I would do in this situation is not go to places that don't have disabled facilities. The vast vast majority do. So if you can't visit the tiny museum visit another - it's not like there are not options. Most places have disabled toilets including pubs and restaurants. There are plenty to choose from. He is 12 at the moment but as others have said he will get older and a 20 year old man in female toilets is not OK

Wow.

All about equality aren't you.

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 12:24

Well incidentally @strawberrrycheeesecake I use the disabled toilets because of a severe medical issue and I have a key - they are not unicorn poo. I can't remember the last time I went somewhere that didn't have them. That's the point - there are plenty of places that have them if one doesn't I go to the other 99 that do. If there were not I would think differently

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/02/2022 12:35

"For those on here suggesting you go into the mens, would you suggest a Dad take their daughter into the ladies if roles were reversed?"

Now that's an interesting point. I didn't suggest that the OP should use the men's loos, because I think she should use the ladies if the disabled loo is absent/busy - but I also think that, above a certain age, if a man has a disabled daughter then he should take her into the ladies loos, but announce that he's bringing her in. I wouldn't want to take her into the men's loo once she's around the age of puberty.

Franklydear · 06/02/2022 12:35

@harbourlane my boy is in such situation, he does not want to go into the ladies, we would take any other safe option, last time a lady tilted her head and tutted, he actually asked her if she thought he wanted to be there?, that definitely shut her up, saying that the last time we were forced to use the ladies was a couple of years ago, we do the best we can, but sometimes is unavoidable, we'll take disabled toilets, accessible toilets, family rooms, unisex toilets, staff toilets but I will not go into the men’s.

Spikeyball · 06/02/2022 12:37

The neighbouring council to mine has most of their public disabled toilet facilities in single sex toilets - no separate unisex facility. So someone who didn't require a unisex facility may not even notice the problem there.

SartresSoul · 06/02/2022 13:01

There should always be a disabled toilet available and I’ve never been anywhere where this isn’t the case.

bedheadedzombie · 06/02/2022 13:10

[quote HappyDays40]@bedheadedzombie OP has said that this is when continence pads leak so......
He is not likely to suddenly become continent when older.[/quote]
No she didn't. She said he leaks. That means urine. She in fact even stated that they don't use nappies now. This is her quote:

He’s been out of nappies since 10 on the advice of his doctor, I think as they hope he will gradually gain control and nappies would hinder that? Like potty training I suppose. we have good days and bad days depending on how his meds, diet and anxiety effect him.