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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking older son into the ladies?

358 replies

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 16:14

He’s severely autistic, incontinent, anxious etc hes 12 but looks a lot older

There’s been two occasions where he’s gone into the men’s loos that ended up with me asking a random man to check they were empty and keep guard so I could sort my son out. We have a disability key and use that when we can but sometimes there’s not a disabled toilet.

I know he looks like teenager and it’s not nice for women using the loo and I do try to explain but there’s been a couple of toilet emergencies recently where I’ve been shouted at because he’s in the ladies with me. But I can’t go into the men’s?
WWYD?

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 05/02/2022 17:27

Wouldn’t bother me to see an older boy in the toilets. I might think. Oh. Why. But wouldn’t bother me as such.

Maybe a lanyard?

funinthesun19 · 05/02/2022 17:29

But while there is no available accessible toilet, the op still has to go somewhere with her son. In her circumstances, I’d be using the ladies too.

This 100%. Where else is she supposed to take him in these circumstances?
And whilst there needs to be more accessible toilets, I do know that this is not always possible.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/02/2022 17:30

If there are no accessible toilets then you should use the womens. He's a child with a disability ffs

I doubt anyone here would say a father of a 12 year old severely disabled child should take her into the female toilets if there were no accessible ones

Honeysuckle45 · 05/02/2022 17:31

If we're looking at it from a safety perspective then the risk to your son going into the mens unsupervised is greater than the risk to any women who happen to see a disabled teenage boy in the ladies being supervised by his mother. There is no risk to them in fact. There are cubicles for privacy in womens toilets. I absolutely can't understand why anyone would be angry at you for this. Shame on them.

eejervis · 05/02/2022 17:32

It's all very well for NT grown women to say they'd be fine with it, and personally, it wouldn't bother me either.

However, what about my 10yo DD who is on the spectrum? I suspect she might feel very uncomfortable to encounter a 12yo boy in the ladies. I know it must be difficult but I think you need to use disabled facilities.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:34

I know it must be difficult but I think you need to use disabled facilities.

Read the op.
What happens when there aren’t any available?

Ffs over and over again. There is not always a disabled toilet free. What is the op supposed to do then?

rookiemere · 05/02/2022 17:35

But often disabled toilets are not available. I'm sure OP would much rather use these with her DS than the Ladies, but it's hard to urinate in a hypothetical facility.

kitkatsky · 05/02/2022 17:36

I wish the sunflower lanyard hasn't been ambushed by people who don't want to wear masks- it would've been perfect. Since it prob won't work now I'd use disabled first, then take him in with you second, but you'd prob need to explain to people in there. Wish you didn't have to but it wouldn't bother me if I knew he had an invisible disability

Honeysuckle45 · 05/02/2022 17:37

@eejervis op has clearly stated that there aren't always disabled toilets available. If there are then this should obviously be the default option.

Your 10 year old dd may feel uncomfortable but what about the 12 year old disabled boys comfort and safety? Could you not reassure your dd and explain that he needs help?

Ozanj · 05/02/2022 17:37

I would take him to the Mens because the Ladies tend to be hubs of activity full of younger kids who behave like little shits l. It might find it easier for him and you to be in a quieter place ie the Mens.

eejervis · 05/02/2022 17:37

PurpleDaisies I think honestly, I would make sure that the places I went DID have disabled facilities, the same I would if I had a child who was a wheelchair user.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/02/2022 17:38

Lanyard is really helpful.

Plus I think sticking you head in and explaining you are going to bring him in, so people don’t just see a teen boy lurching through the door with no warning.

It must be tough. You sound like you’ve got a lot on your plate, but when you have the energy to complain, please do. It’s a disgrace not to have a disabled loo.

Stressedout1009 · 05/02/2022 17:38

I wouldn't have an issue with this. It's clear what the situation is and you are right there with him.

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 17:38

@eejervis

It's all very well for NT grown women to say they'd be fine with it, and personally, it wouldn't bother me either.

However, what about my 10yo DD who is on the spectrum? I suspect she might feel very uncomfortable to encounter a 12yo boy in the ladies. I know it must be difficult but I think you need to use disabled facilities.

However, what about my 10yo DD who is on the spectrum? I suspect she might feel very uncomfortable to encounter a 12yo boy in the ladies. I know it must be difficult but I think you need to use disabled facilities.

Being on the spectrum and feeling 'a bit uncomfortable' would be more manageable than the OP, and her severely autistic and incontinent son trying to manage.

And what disabled facilities? If you've read the opening post you'll know the OP has said they're not always available.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:39

@eejervis

PurpleDaisies I think honestly, I would make sure that the places I went DID have disabled facilities, the same I would if I had a child who was a wheelchair user.
And if someone is using the disabled facilities and your child needed the toilet urgently? Even if there are facilities you cannot guarantee they are available when you need them.
DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 17:39

Sorry, 'very' uncomfortable.

Staffy1 · 05/02/2022 17:40

Take him to the ladies. There need to be some exceptions and understanding by others and this is one of those cases. Stuff anyone who shouts at you.

DSGR · 05/02/2022 17:41

I would have no problem with your disabled son using the ladies if needed!

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 17:41

@eejervis

PurpleDaisies I think honestly, I would make sure that the places I went DID have disabled facilities, the same I would if I had a child who was a wheelchair user.
You'd limit your son's life experiences because some nasty women got a bit shouty? What happened to having your DC's best interests at heart?
nojudgementhere · 05/02/2022 17:41

Would not bother me at all and I would always choose the Ladies and not the Mens as I would feel like I was embarassing anybody who happened to be at the urinals otherwise!

All the best to you and your son - I'm sure life is quite difficult enough without people making it harder. Xx

RedCandyApple · 05/02/2022 17:42

And if someone is using the disabled facilities and your child needed the toilet urgently? Even if there are facilities you cannot guarantee they are available when you need them.

Like you don’t ever have to wait for a standard toilet! 🙄

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/02/2022 17:42

@eejervis and how would your 10 year old daughter feel if she encountered a man taking his severely disabled daughter to the female toilets?

usinon · 05/02/2022 17:43

@PonyPatter44

A child should be in the toilets that match the gender of the parent. A disabled boy like your DS should be in the womens toilet with you despite his age, because he can't safely use the mens toilet alone. Thats really quite straightforward.

Don't get me started on the absence of suitable disabled toilets...that in itself is a disgrace.

I agree with this too. I think men's toilets will sometimes be fine, it just depends - sometimes there will be a risk to your dc, sometimes they will just be too filthy to be able to navigate with a SN older child.

I am sorry about women shouting at you - I haven't seen anything like that but I can believe it judging by the comments on here at times - hopefully that won't happen too often to you

freecuthbert · 05/02/2022 17:44

Carry on as you are OP. It's horrendous there aren't always disabled toilets available, or sometimes the only disabled toilet is in use for a prolonged period, doesn't help that disabled toilets are often misused. I used to support a grown man with severe LD and autism, very young mental age, required support with the toilet. I did have to take him into the ladies once. Otherwise he would have soiled himself and then what... I'd have to use the ladies anyway to help clean him up and support with changing him? What else can you do in this situation really? And I'm the first person to bang on about women's safety.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2022 17:44

@RedCandyApple

And if someone is using the disabled facilities and your child needed the toilet urgently? Even if there are facilities you cannot guarantee they are available when you need them.

Like you don’t ever have to wait for a standard toilet! 🙄

Most people are able to wait. Read the op. Her son is not able to. People are often in a disabled loo for longer than a standard toilet.