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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you sleep trained your baby

411 replies

babyjellyfish · 05/02/2022 11:12

What approach did you take, how old was your baby and how successful was it?

Looking for a range of views and experiences.

Thank you.

OP posts:
TooBored1 · 05/02/2022 11:59

No

Fallagain · 05/02/2022 12:01

No.

Scrunchies · 05/02/2022 12:02

Most of MN doesn’t agree with sleep training. That doesn’t mean it is wrong. There are some good Facebook groups which might help you, that have a different audience.

Personally I did, it was life changing, and I would do it again. But people here will say it’s child abuse 🤷‍♀️

sittingonacornflake · 05/02/2022 12:03

No no no.

3xmonsters · 05/02/2022 12:03

Yes. Done gently. I believe I teach my children lots of skills and going to sleep is once of them.

EishetChayil · 05/02/2022 12:05

No.

I wouldn't leave an adult alone crying in another room, so I'm not going to do that with my baby.

eatyourcrustspls · 05/02/2022 12:06

No. Can't imagine leaving a baby/child to cry.

RoastedTurnip · 05/02/2022 12:07

Yes I did, both of mine. We did controlled crying around 8-9 months. That reduced them both to one wake up, then we waited for them to sleep through which took another 8-9 months I think.

I'd do it again and i'd recommend looking into it.

Facebook groups are helpful as PP said

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2022 12:09

No. I think it’s unnecessary and doesn’t help. Culturally bed sharing, holding, feeding to sleep was normal for my family and that’s what we did

Older DS was a terrible sleeper. Younger was absolutely brilliant from newborn.

I’m happy with my choices and think crying it out is barbaric.

Anecdote:

We moved from a small flat to a large house when DS1 was neatly 2 and still waking. He woke one night and we didn’t hear him for a while as we weren’t used to the new house. When we realised he was utterly inconsolable and couldn’t calm down for some hours.

Imagine doing that to another person on purpose. No.

Scrunchies · 05/02/2022 12:09

Also, if anyone starts to say the idiotic claims about ‘cry it out causes brain damage’, please ignore them. It’s rubbish.

There was a fad article written by one of the advocates for attachment parenting that basically said cry it out causes increased cortisol which causes permanent damage to an infant brain. Scientifically, the conclusions he drew were NOT supported by any real data, the studies he cited weren’t conclusive or completely relevant. Basically people on here quote articles like they are truth without critically examining the evidence. I can explain it more thoroughly if anybody wishes.

Merryoldgoat · 05/02/2022 12:10

@EishetChayil

No.

I wouldn't leave an adult alone crying in another room, so I'm not going to do that with my baby.

This is exactly what I said to everyone who told me to leave DS1 to cry. Not a chance.
thefamous5 · 05/02/2022 12:12

No.

It's horrible. Why would you leave a baby who has no other way to communicate or ask for love to cry?

Thatsplentyjack · 05/02/2022 12:13

There's no such thing as "controlled crying" it's just crying and leaving a baby/child to cry alone is cruel.

Mojoj · 05/02/2022 12:13

Yes and it works. I have no sympathy for parents who complain about lack of sleep due to their kids not sleeping. Yes, sleep training can be very difficult. But it works and, as far as I know, doesn't turn your kids into sociopaths, due to their parents "ignoring" them when they cry🤣🤣🤣🤣

ScrumpyBetty · 05/02/2022 12:14

It's not about leaving a baby to cry alone in a room though Hmm
We sleep trained DS when he was 18 months old and we never once left him to cry it out. We did 'gradual retreat' and I was always there talking to him and reassuring him that I was still there but that he had to go to sleep.

Personally I think not having slept for more than 2 hours a night and being on the brink of a nervous breakdown was barbaric on me and I could not be a good mother to DS being so sleep deprived. When I started getting some actual solid sleep I'm sure I became a much more responsive, healthy and better mother.

NotVictorianHonestly · 05/02/2022 12:15

No. I have no interest in leaving my child to cry themselves to sleep. I wouldn't do it to a friend so I'm certainly not going to do it to a child.

I also don't think it sets them up well for good mental health later in life to teach them that being ignored when upset is the norm. I want my child to know that if they ever feel they need me I'll be there, no questions asked and with no judgement on my part as to whether they really do need me.

I have implemented lots of sleep optimisation strategies though to maximise the quality and quantity of sleep. Things like making sure the sleep environment is right. I found the Gentle Sleep Book good for this.

Moonshine2022 · 05/02/2022 12:16

I've just posted about this myself, so tired :( not sure where to start with it though so following with interest. Not something I ever ever planned to do but feeling exhausted now.

RandomMess · 05/02/2022 12:17

I did pick up put down from a few weeks old. No crying involved, if baby was fussing they got picked up. To me it was teaching them they were ok to be awake laying down in their cot and if they wanted me Some squawking summoned me pronto.

dinodiva · 05/02/2022 12:22

Yep, gradual retreat so very gentle and no major crying. Then got the support of a sleep trainer when DD was 2.5 because she was a dreadful sleeper and we didn't know what else to do. (Best money I ever spent)

RoastedTurnip · 05/02/2022 12:22

Last night with my nearly 2 year old ( who had been sleep trained) I left her to cry for about 15 mins.

She'd fallen asleep singing to herself about 10 minutes earlier but was woken up by her older sister banging her head on the bed and crying. I went in and have her a cuddle. She asked to be put in bed, asked for a song and then said sleep.
She was clean, dry and warm but she cried while she was falling asleep.

I actually discussed this with my husband last night- she was crying through tiredness. My presence would've kept her awake.

It's not barbaric and certainly isn't when you've not slept more than a 2 hour stretch in 9 months.

(And cosleeping wasn't a safe option for me before anyone suggests I should've done that!)

I get that it's not for everyone but mums need sleep too...

neverornow · 05/02/2022 12:23

I did the controlled crying with my DC1. It broke my heart at the time and I still feel guilty and upset thinking about it. I felt under pressure to get his sleep sorted as DC2 was on the way and my DH did shift work at the time meaning I was home alone most evenings so I needed a smoother routine.
It worked and of course he is absolutely none the wiser and is now a fantastic sleeper but no way could I have done it again if DC2 had been a bad sleeper.

Shudacudawuda · 05/02/2022 12:23

Yes, with one of ours. We didn't need to with our DD because she was a good sleeper. By good I mean ordinary. DS was not ordinary he was a nightmare.

DS had me on my knees, I was hallucinating and very depressed through lack of sleep.
We put him to bed with a full tummy, left him for 30s, then a minute, gradually increasing the time. It took about 4 nights, each night better than the first, until he would just go to sleep and stay asleep. It was amazing.

Before that he was waking every 45 minutes, every night. It was actual torture.
We should have done it sooner. It was more cruel to let him continue waking every 45 minutes, get no sleep, and have parents unable to function, than it was to do the sleep training.

DontWantTheRivalry · 05/02/2022 12:24

My DS was an awful sleeper and it caused a lot of problem that are too long to list.

We sleep trained when he was 9 months old and we used the controlled crying method under the guidance of a sleep consultant.

After 7 days everything was perfect and life became happier for all of us.

LefttoherownDevizes · 05/02/2022 12:26

Yes, was about to lose job due to performance/sickness issues caused by lack of sleep. I'd had 3 babies in 3 years, when last was nearly 2 he was still waking hourly to breastfeed (or just latch on), was co sleeping and I was suicidal. Was adamant I didn't want to sleep Train and GP who I trusted pointed out what a state I was in and that DS would be fine.

We moved DS into a bed in our room but he still wanted to feed, so just had to do cold turkey. We moved him into his own room and did the go in every 5/10/15+ mins. He was angry but not dad, plus GP have us meds for him to get him to have a 3 hour block of sleep.

It took 5 nights in total, nights 3/4 were horrific and ended up having to take day off sick as had had so little sleep.

Then he 'got' it. I was literally a new woman. I had had no idea how debilitating being chronically sleep deprived was, and would always recommend training now. I am not sure I would do for younger than a year, and I would also introduce bottles so the burden could be shared

secretllama · 05/02/2022 12:27

@Mojoj

Yes and it works. I have no sympathy for parents who complain about lack of sleep due to their kids not sleeping. Yes, sleep training can be very difficult. But it works and, as far as I know, doesn't turn your kids into sociopaths, due to their parents "ignoring" them when they cry🤣🤣🤣🤣
Agree. People would rather complain about no sleep than do anything about it too. As for causing mental damage what a load of shit, MN is crazy at times.