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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 03/02/2022 16:02

Honestly I'd be surprised if he didnt. This is his wife and your children spend a significant proportion of their time with her.

pinkcattydude · 03/02/2022 16:04

I’d rather if they were unwell they were picked up by someone they are safe with. Than stuck at school.

GirlInACountrySong · 03/02/2022 16:04

you will need this support going forwards

you say wife in op, so effectively, she is now a step parent. Its not unusual

AlDanvers · 03/02/2022 16:05

I think you need to take a step back.

She is his partner or wife. Not sure which amd on his days, she may need to pick them up.

Ita perfectly normal. I never thought to consult exh when I put my dad, mum or dp on the list. As they are all people that xould possibly pick ds up on my days. On my days, it's up to me how I arrange their care.

Unless you think she is a danger, then I think yabu.

Hullabaloo31 · 03/02/2022 16:05

Perfectly normal I'd say. She's their stepmum and he needs to sort pickups on his days I take it, far less hassle to have an extra on the list than need to arrange it in a hurry for whatever reason.

RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 16:05

I’m really struggling to see what the problem is here?

Drinkingallthewine · 03/02/2022 16:06

Wife or Girlfriend OP?

shouldistop · 03/02/2022 16:06

I don't see the problem tbh.

MartinMartinMarti · 03/02/2022 16:07

I’m interested in what her being 9 years younger has to do with her ability to take kids home from school?

RandomCatGenerator · 03/02/2022 16:07

Is she ‘new girlfriend’ or is she ‘wife’? It makes a big difference!

CeleriacOfTheNight · 03/02/2022 16:07

I'm not really sure I see what the issue is either TBH

Nicknacky · 03/02/2022 16:08

Out of interest, what would you have said if your ex-h had said to you he was doing this?

Chely · 03/02/2022 16:08

YANBU to be annoyed he didn't tell you.
To be expected though as she is the step parent and likely to need to pick them up on his days.

RedWingBoots · 03/02/2022 16:08

She knows your children and as they get on it is better she is there to pick them up rather than someone they don't know.

This is about them not you.

I actually had a SM who would do this for me as a child though she never had to in the end.

Ijustreallywantacat · 03/02/2022 16:11

You absolutely should relax. She is a trusted person by your DCs parent. In the kindest way, you did not need to be informed.

Fireflygal · 03/02/2022 16:11

It's not an issue as I assume if they live together she's involved with the children.

It's not surprising he wants someone as back up to him...pop over to Stepparents board many new partners are used as childcare by men. It might be a novelty bit I suspect she will tire of it.

MintJulia · 03/02/2022 16:11

It's common sense. If he's on school run and breaks down, he needs to be able to substitute at a moment's notice.

It doesn't mean she'll be doing all the pick ups.

Certainly he could have told you in advance, it would have been polite.

Bellyups · 03/02/2022 16:13

Failing to see how her being 9 years younger is relevant to anything. Unless she’s a child.

TokyoDreaming · 03/02/2022 16:15

What's the issue?

NoSquirrels · 03/02/2022 16:15

Would you prefer to pick up on his days if he can’t do it?

gogohm · 03/02/2022 16:15

18 months isn't new! Is she his wife or gf? I would expect an adult resident in the same house to be on the contacts list. I am for Dp's dd

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/02/2022 16:15

@Fatmum21 ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger

What does that have to do with anything? And 9 years is not a huge age gap. I don't see what her age has to do with this?

She is his WIFE. So she is the step-mother and will naturally have to pick up your kids if he can't make it or is late, or for any reason.

Why wouldn't she be on the list? I would expect her to be on there. She will be taking care of your (his) children while they're at her home, too.

Hankunamatata · 03/02/2022 16:16

They have been together 18 months, assume they live together if married. Then yabu, it isnt a big deal

IBelieveInAThingCalledScience · 03/02/2022 16:16

The DC already sleep/eat/spend time at her/their house. How is a school pick-up more involved?

SummerHouse · 03/02/2022 16:16

I think it's up to the parent who has the children in their care. Exceptions would be anything you think might impact on thier health or safety. It's difficult to do, they are your kids, but this is the best way to a healthy and civil sharing of care.