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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 03/02/2022 17:53

@user1498572889

It’s fine but he should have told you.

Do you expect the OP to seek his approval for any back-up person she's named with the school?

Anonymous48 · 03/02/2022 17:53

@RG2468

Plus come on everyone no point digging at the OP about mentioning the new wife is 9 years younger. It’s obvs why she’s mentioned it - it's something that grates with her and upsets her. Not relevant to this situation but unreasonable or not it’s something that upsets the OP. Don’t beat her up over it please!

But why should it grate with her and upset her? What relevance does it have to her at all? It's not even that big an age difference. Their oldest child is 15, so presumably the new wife/girlfriend is well into adulthood.

DiddyHeck · 03/02/2022 17:58

@RG2468

I think it is relevant here otherwise it wouldn't have entered her head to mention it, any more than it would have entered it to tell us the woman's shoe size. Her dislike of the woman's age could well be clouding her judgement so therefore very relevant.

3scape · 03/02/2022 17:59

I've never told my ex that my husband is on the pickup list (in second place as it happens) because it's surely a foregone conclusion that in an emergency a partner would 'deal' with things. It's for the children's benefit at the end of the day.

SarahBellam · 03/02/2022 18:00

You are extremely lucky that you have three people to love and care for your children instead of just the two. It also means you have an extra pair of hands in an emergency and you know that your children trust her. That he didn’t tell you is neither here nor there really - they’re being picked up on his watch, not yours and he has made that call. He probably should have but it’s really not a big deal.

Migrainesbythedozen · 03/02/2022 18:00

It's clear the OP is prejudiced against her ex husband's girlfriend and dislikes her and uses the 9 years (big deal!) against her. The OP would be better off fostering a relationship with the gf for the sake of the children, rather than being so immature and spiteful and nasty about her.

Cherryberrybonbon · 03/02/2022 18:02

If it’s anything like my situation she’s on there so he doesn’t have the stress of coming out of work to get them if she is at home maybe??

AKASammyScrounge · 03/02/2022 18:03

@Itloggedmeoutagain

What's her age got anything to do with it? If the kids are happy around her what's the problem apart from your jealousy?

Give the OP a break. She probably feels she's losing her status as the children's mother, that the stepmother is taking her place. It's not rational, but then very little is rational about the Mum/child relationship. This isn't jealousy.It's much bigger than that. And in six months time, the OP will be able to laugh at this silly woman going out in the pouring rain to fetch someone else's children,rush home to cook for them,get their HW done, get bathed and so on...of course she's doing all this to please her husband. Not as romantic a life as she had expected. The OP shouldn't stress about this. I hope the children like her a bit for their sake (it will make their lives easier if they do) but don't ever think your children will love her like a mother. You're the only one who gets that kind of love.

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2022 18:04

I didn't think AIBU could get any worse for spiteful, unnecessary name-calling.

I was wrong.

WonderfulYou · 03/02/2022 18:04

Even though I think YABU I think 18 months (especially during covid times) is way too soon to be living together and being so involved with the children, regardless of her age.
But there’s nothing you can do.

Twillow · 03/02/2022 18:05

They spend 3 nights a week there but you don't want her to pick them up from school? I understand the emotion going on with you, but in reality it's just that - emotional baggage, not anything practical that affects the most important ones here, the children.

Isthisprivate · 03/02/2022 18:06

I wouldn’t see the point in my dc spending time with Dads girlfriend when they could be with their Mum.

Kids don’t need to be glued to a parent. We have my step kids all school holidays, however they go for sleepovers at their cousins during their time with us because they enjoy it. I also take them to do activities I enjoy but my partner doesn’t.

pilates · 03/02/2022 18:09

You are overreacting unless there is a massive backstory

Tiramysu · 03/02/2022 18:10

[quote Nicknacky]@Tiramysu But he doesn’t need the Op’s permission so why ask the school to do that?[/quote]
Yes I know. But I didn't know if schools had a system where they could need both parents permission. No idea what you'd use it for tbh and the kid would probably miss out due to admin.

ColdToTheBones · 03/02/2022 18:13

Commiserations OP. Co-parenting is so hard for everyone. 💐

Snoozer11 · 03/02/2022 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Wendybyrdesmissingconscience · 03/02/2022 18:35

You are being totally unreasonable. Would you rather your children were left stranded at school or left to make their own way home.

Don’t be bitter. Be glad they have one more person in their life who cares for them. Rise above your unreasonable feelings.

samyeagar · 03/02/2022 18:36

@DiddyHeck

I'm desperately trying to understand the relevance of his woman being 9 years younger than your ex husband?

Anyone else struggling?

Nah. It is quite easy to understand really. It was thrown in there as a dig at her ex and the wife/girlfriend. That comment in particular, and this entire thread suggests that the OP still has strong emotions surrounding her ex and their divorce four years ago.

I imagine it is pretty likely that her ex husband is well aware of the OP's general feelings and emotions, and thought it easier to just not say anything, and deal with the possible consequences later, rather than wade into what would become a way over blown dialog around something that should be as simple as

Him: I added Julie to the list in case I get stuck at work.
Her. Ok.
end of.

I mean, there really is no discussion to be had is there?

Honestly, with my ex wife, I just kind of assumed any new long term partner of hers would be added to these kinds of things.

grapewine · 03/02/2022 18:37

Your kids probably prefer being with her, anyway.

I mean ... that wasn't really necessary, was it?

Bibbetybobbity · 03/02/2022 18:38

Well said @RG2468, the faux confused posts are just ridiculous…

NumberTheory · 03/02/2022 18:39

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.

I think it’s really hard to come to terms with the idea that the other parent can have a very separate relationship with your joint kids that you are not fully in the loop on. This is true to some extent even when parents are together, but much more so when they’re separated and sharing care.

You need to come to terms with the fact there will be other things that he hasn’t told you. And as the kids get older there will probably be more and more. You need to trust him to be a good enough parent without him having to tell you inconsequential details that have no impact on your care of the kids (of course, if he isn’t trustworthy, then this isn’t the route to take, but you haven’t suggested otherwise and this example isn’t in any sense a sign of poor judgement).

IncompleteSenten · 03/02/2022 18:40

@Snoozer11

If you have such an issue with this, pick up your kids yourself.

Your kids probably prefer being with her, anyway.

That was spiteful and uncalled for

Derbee · 03/02/2022 18:41

Perfectly normal for her to be on the pickup list. Completely irrelevant about her being 9 years younger. That implies some sort of jealousy/pettiness on your part, which is clouding your judgment.

UniversalAunt · 03/02/2022 18:42

You are within reason to be annoyed that you were not consulted before your ExH made this move. You are both parents & these decisions (school matters & who has the kids where & when) would be discussed between you so that you are consistent & united. Not just because it makes for better organisation, it is a clear demonstration to your shared children that their parents can put aside their differences & put the kiss’s wellbeing first & foremost.

However, you do say that ExH has kids midweek & this arrangement covers the pick-up on his watch. So that’s his responsibility. Also you say that you make the effort to get along with his GF which is very much your best foot forward.

Just caught your last post - you are NOT overreacting. Your point about being open & transparent is important. However, I suggest that you frame your concerns to ExH as showing clearly to your children that their parents are mature & loving enough to collaborate for their benefits.

Both of you do not want to have kids either unsure of themselves or in a position to play you off against each other - & anything in between.

WonderfulYou · 03/02/2022 18:44

Your kids probably prefer being with her, anyway.

Is this a joke?!

OP ignore the posters who obviously have no lives.
You know what they say - misery loves company.

He has only been with her 18 months. The past 2 years have been anything but normal and most relationships built over the pandemic are breaking down.
No one blames you for looking out for your children.

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