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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
SummerBluez · 03/02/2022 16:17

Interested why wife or girlfriend makes such a big difference? If they've been married 18 months she can pick up, but girlfriend for 18 months she can't? Don't get that school of thought.

Flsh · 03/02/2022 16:19

I understand why you’re upset because it can be hard seeing another woman take on any kind of parental role in our children’s lives, however it makes sense that she is on it and there’s no reason why she should be. it’s just one of those hard things about coparenting I’m afraid!

affairsofdragons · 03/02/2022 16:19

I don't understand the problem: he is having them collected by an adult in his life who he trusts to collect his own children from school on his days when he can't do it himself.

LethargicActress · 03/02/2022 16:19

If you’re unhappy about this because you’d rather have you’re kids yourself if they aren’t getting to spend time with their Dad, then yanbu. I wouldn’t see the point in my dc spending time with Dads girlfriend when they could be with their Mum.

Whammyyammy · 03/02/2022 16:20

Can't see a problem tbh

coatofsomanycolours · 03/02/2022 16:22

You should relax.

betwixtlives · 03/02/2022 16:23

What’s your problem with it? Genuinely?

ChubbyMorticia · 03/02/2022 16:23

Depends on how your arrangements are. If Dad isn’t available on his time, then I would rather be picking up our kids then have a stepparent do so.

Some custody orders have a ‘right of first refusal’ for exactly that purpose.

Flsh · 03/02/2022 16:23

LethargicActress- say for example dad finishes work sf 4 but girlfriend finished in time for school pick up, it makes sense for girlfriend to pick do up to take the dc home on the dads contact days.

Zilla1 · 03/02/2022 16:26

If they have almost 50:50 (3 nights) then I can see why it might annoy but it might not be inappropriate. If you had a DP after 4 years post-divorce and logistics or consideration about emergencies might make it convenient to have them on the school pick up list, would you not have done this on principle?

ApolloandDaphne · 03/02/2022 16:26

Surely this is just common sense? She is already in their life and they know her plus it is always good to have a back up person to do pick ups.

Bagelsandbrie · 03/02/2022 16:28

Wouldn’t bother me at all. She’s part of their family now. I’d rather her pick them up then get stuck at school for some reason. It’s sensible, surely?

WhyYesYABU · 03/02/2022 16:29

Yes YABU. She's his wife and I'm not sure why her age is relevant.

Returnoftheowl · 03/02/2022 16:30

I don't think it's unreasonable that he's added her to the list, he should have mentioned it out of politeness tho.

musicviking1 · 03/02/2022 16:30

I can't see why this would be an issue?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/02/2022 16:30

My ex's new partner does most of the parental duties, drop-offs pick-ups, meals, etc.
I never gave it a second thought.

GrandmasCat · 03/02/2022 16:31

YABU, there are some things you may need to be thankful for rather than territorial. You will be the one dropping everything and running off to pick up your kids if their dad is unable to get there in time.

user1498572889 · 03/02/2022 16:31

It’s fine but he should have told you.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 16:32

Is she ‘new girlfriend’ or is she ‘wife’? It makes a big difference

Not sure it does. Whatever she is called they've been together 18 months and the kids are with her 3 days a week. I can see why it makes sense to have her on the pick up list.

veevee04 · 03/02/2022 16:32

@Hrpuffnstuff1

My ex's new partner does most of the parental duties, drop-offs pick-ups, meals, etc. I never gave it a second thought.
More fool her Grin
AuntyJanet · 03/02/2022 16:32

I think he should have told you rather than you finding out by accident. However, I don’t think adding her is unreasonable. In fact, it makes sense.

AlDanvers · 03/02/2022 16:32

@user1498572889

It’s fine but he should have told you.
Can I ask why you feel that way?

It has no impact on the op so I can't see why he should have to have told her.

CornishGem1975 · 03/02/2022 16:33

I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

sanbeiji · 03/02/2022 16:33

@SummerBluez

Interested why wife or girlfriend makes such a big difference? If they've been married 18 months she can pick up, but girlfriend for 18 months she can't? Don't get that school of thought.
Because marriage is a legal commitment, that can’t be broken lightly. And without significant expense most of the time.

A ‘girlfriend’ on the other hand can be dumped anytime he wants.

In practice It’s actually the time spent together. Someone you met off an app, ‘dated’ for a year then moved in together different from someone you already know / lived with longer. Of course supporting each other through big things etc also makes a difference.

Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2022 16:33

I don’t see the issue, surely if he has the children from school it’s ok if their step mother collects them of he is unable too? She’s not just his bit on the side, they are married.