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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 03/02/2022 16:50

Usually people are on here complaining that step mums don’t care about the kids and don’t bother doing anything!

It sounds like she’s involved and willing to help with things like school pick ups. The kids are obviously familiar with her if she’s living with their dad so I don’t know what the issue is.

IncompleteSenten · 03/02/2022 16:53

Tbf though, that is complained about just as much. Step mums cannot win.

BertieQueen · 03/02/2022 16:54

@BoredZelda

The op has the right to know what is on the children’s school records and who is picking up the children from school.

And she can ask to see the record any time she likes. The days her husband is in charge of the pick ups, its up to him if he would rather his partner does it.

Would you expect a mother to tell a father if she was doing the same?

So you suggest the mum asks the school once a week for school records just in case the father has added anything without telling her? Because that’s ridiculous.

I would expect both parents to keep each other informed of anything like this.

AlDanvers · 03/02/2022 16:56

Yeah, I am not informing of small details that dont impact him.

Wouldn't even cross my mind to be annoyed if he added his partner on. Who he arranges for pick up, is nor my business.

Its also clear, op has a real issue with their relationship so would have likey kicked up a fuss anyway.

Chatwin · 03/02/2022 16:57

It would have been courteous for him to let you know but otherwise I don't see the issue.

If she was 9 years older than him, would that have been okay Confused

Progress2019 · 03/02/2022 16:58

@MickeyMouseEars

Unfortunately I fear that you are probably being a bit unreasonable, but I do understand your discomfort around it. I also think you're being given a bit of a hard time - you're allowed to be upset and venting online is the perfect outlet.

I'm also shocked at the number of posters saying that 18 months isn't new when I see on here time and again women being berated for introducing a new partner any sooner than 5 bloody years!

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Of course you should have been informed - and for the posters saying why should she care? Well I imagine when op gave birth she thought these children were some that she’d care for 100% of the time, not just four days a week. At the very least it’s basic manners to inform one another of changes in the children’s lives.

MrsTimRiggins · 03/02/2022 16:58

I don’t see the big deal tbh. As for the nine years younger thing, unless he’s under 25, and I’m guessing he’s not judging by your children’s ages, I don’t think it’s really relevant tbh.

ErinAoife · 03/02/2022 16:59

I would not like not being told who is on the pick up list, he should have the decency to let you know that his new girlfriend is doing it.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 03/02/2022 17:02

To put this in perspective OP, if your ex was employing a childminder or au pair to do the school pick ups then he would have immediately put that person your kid’s pick up list.
It’s not a reflection on you in any way. She’s not replacing you, she’s doing some childcare for your ex during his contact time (possibly regularly after school on his contact days, possibly for emergencies only).
Her age is irrelevant given she must be an adult. Au pairs and nannies at the beginning of their career are often not even out of their teens…

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/02/2022 17:07

If you think she's not a safe person to do the school run, then really you have much bigger problems, seeing as how she has them three days a week.

If you don't doubt her competence and don't think she may run off with them, then I can't see how it's a problem. She's your ex husband's wife, not a random hook-up. They will share some child care responsibilities.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/02/2022 17:10

What's her age got anything to do with it?
If the kids are happy around her what's the problem apart from your jealousy?

TyrannosaurusRegina · 03/02/2022 17:13

He should have at least run it by you first or at the very least, let you know.

RegardingMary · 03/02/2022 17:15

It's his wife, not his latest one night stand. Of course it's okay and expected that she might occasionally pick them up

Would you prefer her to neglect them entirely

jimmyjammy001 · 03/02/2022 17:16

Sounds like it's more of a problem and inconvenience for your ExH new wife if anything, but if she's happy to do it then let her crack on, I know I wouldn't be

Original poster
Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 17:19

Sorry, typo, she is his girlfriend. Just picked kids up from school so I haven’t had a chance to look. And I’m a bit all over the place at the moment Confused

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2022 17:20

Can't see an issue with this at all, presumably she's his "back up" to collect them if he gets held up etc. What's the big deal?

AlDanvers · 03/02/2022 17:21

@Fatmum21

Sorry, typo, she is his girlfriend. Just picked kids up from school so I haven’t had a chance to look. And I’m a bit all over the place at the moment Confused
She is with them 3 nights a week.

What is your actual problem apart from her age?

Tiramysu · 03/02/2022 17:22

Seems fair enough. As a stepmum I refused to be put on the list as I'm not picking them up ever.

Tiramysu · 03/02/2022 17:22

Oops, but if she's happy to then I don't see the problem. He trusts her. He is their parent.

blyn72 · 03/02/2022 17:23

I don't think it is a big deal, frankly.

starfishmummy · 03/02/2022 17:25

Is it that he didn't tell you or that he didn't ask your permission?
Yes he probably should have mentioned it. But he's their parent he's allowed to make decisions so he didn't need to ask for permission.

Frankola · 03/02/2022 17:27

So if you or your ex couldn't do pick up in an emergency you wouldn't want them collected?

Ridiculous

Also. They've been together 18 months. If he couldn't do pick up during his contact time what do you suggest he does?

Get over it basically

Original poster
Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 17:28

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.

OP posts:
Octomore · 03/02/2022 17:29

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]**@Fatmum21* ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger*

What does that have to do with anything? And 9 years is not a huge age gap. I don't see what her age has to do with this?

She is his WIFE. So she is the step-mother and will naturally have to pick up your kids if he can't make it or is late, or for any reason.

Why wouldn't she be on the list? I would expect her to be on there. She will be taking care of your (his) children while they're at her home, too.[/quote]
I agree. The way you describe her makes it clear why she "isn't your biggest fan". I wouldn't be either if you were implying that a 9 year age gap was somehow morally dubious.

cakeambush · 03/02/2022 17:29

Don't understand the problem?

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