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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 03/02/2022 18:46

I am an auntie and am on my nieces pick up list.

Yes maybe he should have told you - it would have been polite as you should both know what details the school has for your children.

Assume this means they will also ring her in an emergency - I always worry about that one! Happy to pick up if my sister and brother in law aren’t about - but I wouldn’t be great aunts a medical emergency- I am defiantly a last resort😂.

Make sure the school knows it’s parents first.

LondonQueen · 03/02/2022 18:48

It's totally normal to add their step mum to the pickup list surely? Why do you need to be told, I assume he also has parental responsibility.

cherryonthecakes · 03/02/2022 18:51

I assume she's number 3 to contact in an emergency. Or are you mad that she's number 2 because ex has a history of laziness?

If he's put her at number one then you have reason to be annoyed but he's not unreasonable to contact the school without permission

Lily2075 · 03/02/2022 18:53

He maybe should've let you know but no, it's not a big deal, she's their stepmum.

CeleriacOfTheNight · 03/02/2022 18:54

@Snoozer11

If you have such an issue with this, pick up your kids yourself.

Your kids probably prefer being with her, anyway.

Oh cop on.

The OP is being a tad unreasonable, but only needs a gentle head wobble.

People like you taking an opportunity to stick the boot in just seem odd.

cadburyegg · 03/02/2022 18:55

People are saying he should have discussed it but I don’t see why? He’s got them 3 days a week. So he’s pretty much 50/50 she’s a big part of their lives and their upbringing. I think you’ve got to choose your battles.

I have my kids 90% of the time and I would still let my ex know if I added someone else to the school pick up list, out of courtesy. I don't think it's unreasonable for each parent to know who may be looking after the kids. I agree with the comment about picking your battles though.

Franklin12 · 03/02/2022 18:58

Girlfriend or wife. Girlfriend could be someone he met last night. I know they have been together for a while but a wife is different to a girlfriend.

statutoryliving · 03/02/2022 19:05

He should have let you know.

Bakewelltart987 · 03/02/2022 19:07

Why are you making this out to be a big thing? If dc go to there house 3 times a week then it makes sense if dad can't pick them up for whatever reason gf can go no messing no phoning school to let them know makes sense to me.

BeaLola · 03/02/2022 19:11

Do you tell him 100% of minutia concerning your children ?

I don't see the issue - you are not worried that they spend time with her but you do mind he didn't mention he added them to an authorised list of people to pick them up from school

DH (11 years older than me and I have no family close enough to us for when DS as in primary - I think after us I added our friend who was less than 60 metres from school and a SAHM as the next authorised person (with her permission) - don't think I told DH

BagpipeBarmcake · 03/02/2022 19:38

@Bellyups

Failing to see how her being 9 years younger is relevant to anything. Unless she’s a child.
In which case she could pick herself up at the same time as the DCs?
PixieLaLa · 03/02/2022 19:38

@AKASammyScrounge
“This isn't jealousy.It'sh bigger than that. And in six months time, the OP will be able to laugh at this silly woman going out in the pouring rain to fetch someone else's
children,rush home to cook for them,get their HW done, get bathed and so on...of course she's doing all this to please her husband. Not as romantic a life as she had expected.”

Wow don’t you sound delightful 😂

Intothelight123 · 03/02/2022 19:43

YABU and controlling

SockFluffInTheBath · 03/02/2022 19:51

Gently yabu. There’s a big difference between latest bit of fluff and wife.

SockFluffInTheBath · 03/02/2022 19:52

Sorry not wife, but 18mths is serious enough, surely?

dontyouwish2 · 03/02/2022 19:59

He should discuss it with you.

He may trust her, and you don't. He then convinces you of her legibility. It's natural for you to be overprotective of your precious DC.

He should tell you because if he broke up with her, you would make sure it's flagged to the school that she is no longer on the list. Any parent would want that.

Bagamoyo1 · 03/02/2022 20:02

Typical MN double standard.
If OP had posted that she’d put her boyfriend of 18 months on the school pick up list, she’d have been destroyed, and told that at 18 months the kids shouldn’t even have met the boyfriend, never mind spend time alone with him.

But men are allowed to move a new woman in straight away and apparently that’s just fine.

onedayoranother · 03/02/2022 20:16

I was the second wife and did this - if she's part of their life (which she appears to be) why not?

Wnkingawalrus · 03/02/2022 20:25

Sounds practical to me. If for any reason he can’t pick up in an emergency, means he doesn’t need to trouble you and she can collect them instead.

AlDanvers · 03/02/2022 20:36

@Bagamoyo1

Typical MN double standard. If OP had posted that she’d put her boyfriend of 18 months on the school pick up list, she’d have been destroyed, and told that at 18 months the kids shouldn’t even have met the boyfriend, never mind spend time alone with him. But men are allowed to move a new woman in straight away and apparently that’s just fine.
Don't be ridiculous.

Ops issue isn't that they live together. It's that she is in a list. Nowhere did op point to that being her issue.

Her age seems the bigger issue.

And I say that as a mother whose kids dont bother with their own father because he has a fondness for moving in with women very quickly (usually 8-12 weeks) while I have been the one to provide stability. I certainly don't think it's ok for men. Because I live with the fall out of a man who does this

whitewashing · 03/02/2022 20:37

@Snoozer11

If you have such an issue with this, pick up your kids yourself.

Your kids probably prefer being with her, anyway.

I’ve reported you. That’s a dreadful thing to say. No need for such nastiness.
GinIronic · 03/02/2022 20:44

Just make sure the g/fs name is removed from the list after their inevitable breakup. She will soon realise she is being used for childcare and general 'wife work' and a more carefree life is out there with a child free partner.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/02/2022 20:50

He should have told you, but beyond that she’s his partner so it’s what you’d expect.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/02/2022 20:51

cadburyegg
I have my kids 90% of the time and I would still let my ex know if I added someone else to the school pick up list, out of courtesy. I don't think it's unreasonable for each parent to know who may be looking after the kids. I agree with the comment about picking your battles though.

I have similar arrangement to cadburyegg and I too would let ex know about putting someone on the pick up list for our dc.

Tee20x · 03/02/2022 20:59

Why is her age important in this. He probably should have told you out of courtesy but your kids spend 3 days a week there what's the issue with her picking them up from school.

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