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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 16:33

It’s fine but he should have told you.

Should he? Does OP have to tell him everything she discusses with the school? He is making sure his bases are covered for picking up the kids when it is up to him to do it. Not sure why it is OP's business.

BobLemon · 03/02/2022 16:34

Needed to drop her age in there. Nice. Embrace her willingness to be involved FGS.

PoshPyjamas · 03/02/2022 16:34

Why do you mind?

BertieQueen · 03/02/2022 16:35

Can not believe how many posters have said the op needs to get over it. The op has the right to know what is on the children’s school records and who is picking up the children from school.
Op You should have been informed by him before he went behind your back and told the school to add her. Obviously it makes sense to have his partner down for pickups but he should have told you before.

veevee04 · 03/02/2022 16:35

It depends whether you want first refusal if my ex was working away and couldn't look after DD so wanted his GF/Wife to pick her up and do the parenting. I would ask could I have her instead I really don't like it when exes don't look after the child and have a new partner doing the parenting.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/02/2022 16:35

Can't see an issue here unless she's abusive verbally and/or physically to them, or drives dangerously etc. But she lives with them so it should be fine.

It's surely better they're picked up than not?!

MaryShelley1818 · 03/02/2022 16:35

I would assume this is just common sense and it was obvious.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/02/2022 16:35

Pick your battles and this shouldn't be one of them.

Step mum collecting kids from school is reasonable and unsurprising.

RightOnTheEdge · 03/02/2022 16:37

I'd she his wife or girlfriend?
18 months is not really new.
You say "they" have them three nights a week so I assume they live together and she spends a lot of time with your kids so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be able to pick them up when it's your ex's night with them.
Why does it matter?

Gonnagetgoing · 03/02/2022 16:37

@BertieQueen

Can not believe how many posters have said the op needs to get over it. The op has the right to know what is on the children’s school records and who is picking up the children from school. Op You should have been informed by him before he went behind your back and told the school to add her. Obviously it makes sense to have his partner down for pickups but he should have told you before.
@BertieQueen - naturally - he should've said before - but for OP to go all nuclear over it would be silly.

However working for a divorce lawyer in the past this is probably something one of our clients would pull and we'd sigh, eye roll, sort out and bill them Wink

NeedAHoliday2021 · 03/02/2022 16:40

Seems sensible - when he has dc, if he expects her to do occasional pick ups, why wouldn’t she be on the pick up list?

DrPhilYourGuts · 03/02/2022 16:41

Yanbu that he didn’t tell you, basic courtesy to know who is picking them up from school.

However, they spend 3 nights a week with her so I’m surprised this wasn’t already on place.

If the issue is actually you don’t want her picking them up, YABU.

Why is her being 9 years younger relevant?

shouldistop · 03/02/2022 16:41

@BertieQueen would op inform her ex if she had to get her mum to collect the kids? I doubt it.

These children live with this woman almost half the week.

grapewine · 03/02/2022 16:42

@WhyYesYABU

Yes YABU. She's his wife and I'm not sure why her age is relevant.
This.

What are you implying? That because she's younger she can't be trusted with your children? She is his wife and will be in your children's lives.

IncompleteSenten · 03/02/2022 16:42

I think he should have told you he'd done it.
Both parents should know who is on the pick up list

BertieQueen · 03/02/2022 16:43

@Gonnagetgoing I do agree op should not go nuclear over it, but he should have told her beforehand. They are both the parents and she has the right to know, it’s not hard to say ‘I’m adding such and such to the kids pick up so that if I can’t pick up when I need to I have a back up’.

Easy and don’t cost a thing Wink

WheresYourSnickers · 03/02/2022 16:44

Given the comments are overwhelming YABU, I am surprised that the vote is 12% YANBU
By the way, I think YABU - in his contact time she can pick them up.

BertramLacey · 03/02/2022 16:44

It would have been nice if he'd told you but I don't see it as a problem. I'm on my OH's child's pick-up list. I have on occasion needed to go and get her if he's been delayed for some reason. It's no big deal.

BertieQueen · 03/02/2022 16:45

[quote shouldistop]@BertieQueen would op inform her ex if she had to get her mum to collect the kids? I doubt it.

These children live with this woman almost half the week. [/quote]
A one off pick up to adding another name to a school pick up list is different.

Parenting together means informing the other parent of such things when they are put in a school record.

Mo1911 · 03/02/2022 16:45

Makes sense that she's on the list too.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 16:47

The op has the right to know what is on the children’s school records and who is picking up the children from school.

And she can ask to see the record any time she likes. The days her husband is in charge of the pick ups, its up to him if he would rather his partner does it.

Would you expect a mother to tell a father if she was doing the same?

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 03/02/2022 16:48

What’s the issue? Why doesn’t she like you?

Blossomtoes · 03/02/2022 16:49

@Hrpuffnstuff1

My ex's new partner does most of the parental duties, drop-offs pick-ups, meals, etc. I never gave it a second thought.
Wow. She must be a saint.
MickeyMouseEars · 03/02/2022 16:49

Unfortunately I fear that you are probably being a bit unreasonable, but I do understand your discomfort around it. I also think you're being given a bit of a hard time - you're allowed to be upset and venting online is the perfect outlet.

I'm also shocked at the number of posters saying that 18 months isn't new when I see on here time and again women being berated for introducing a new partner any sooner than 5 bloody years!

SpilltheTea · 03/02/2022 16:49

He could have told you he was going to do this beforehand, but I wouldn't be upset about it.

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