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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
blyn72 · 03/02/2022 17:30

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.
He should have told you but it's done now. Time to move on, Fatmum.
Octomore · 03/02/2022 17:30

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.
She's his wife. Tbh, I'd take it as a given that she will be on the pickup list. She's not a randomer.
Tiramysu · 03/02/2022 17:30

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.
Ahh I see. Could you ask school to make sure they get both your permission for things? That might make life a pain.
Tiramysu · 03/02/2022 17:31

To be honest though there will be things he isn't telling you about DD's life at his house.

cadburyegg · 03/02/2022 17:31

I think he should have discussed it with you so YABU to be annoyed that you found out through your daughter.

But it's totally reasonable and almost to be expected that he puts her on the pickup list.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 03/02/2022 17:32

YABU. It wouldn’t occur to me to tell xh if I added my mum or a friend or someone else to the pick up list! I’m not sure he even knew who was on it when we were still married.

Nicknacky · 03/02/2022 17:32

@Tiramysu But he doesn’t need the Op’s permission so why ask the school to do that?

NowEvenBetter · 03/02/2022 17:32

He should be doing the pickups instead of making his girlfriend do it, but in an emergency then her name should be added. Would you not allow your new boyfriend if/when you get one collect your kids after a year and a half?

Do you have concerns about her driving?

DePfeffoff · 03/02/2022 17:33

Off the point, but how far away is the school? Lots of 11 year olds take themselves home.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 03/02/2022 17:33

Could you ask school to make sure they get both your permission for things? That might make life a pain.

Legally, each parent has 100% parental responsibility and can exercise that independently. School can’t override the law!

TicTacHoh · 03/02/2022 17:34

It would have been considerate of him to tell you, but presumably she will only pick them up in place of him, and if they're in his care, that's his decision to make.

Not sure what her being 9 years younger has to do with anything.

AlDanvers · 03/02/2022 17:34

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.
Why difference does it make to you, in real terms?

Of course there are things you don't know. Not because anyone is hiding anything or because it's a big deal. But simply because your children spends a large portion of their week not living with you, you won't get to know every detail.

Askingforfriend · 03/02/2022 17:35

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.
...there probably are things he isn't telling you and there are probably things you aren't telling him. That isn't necessarily bad. Do you trust he loves his children and wants them to be ok? If so, let the small stuff go and trust that he can be competent even if he isn't always doing stuff the way you do it.

Do you want to be accountable for every last thing you do with your kids? It could get petty and tiring really quickly if you honestly expect him to discuss everything with you and you do it in return.

Hapoydayz · 03/02/2022 17:37

More fool her if he's getting her to do his parenting wife work for him!

rainbowunicorn · 03/02/2022 17:38

you are being ridiculous OP

WonderfulYou · 03/02/2022 17:41

I guess he just assumed you would know.

Just think of it as if it’s his turn and the DC are poorly you’re not going to get called away from work if he doesn’t answer.

PixieLaLa · 03/02/2022 17:42

YABU
I also don’t see the relevance of her being 9 years younger is? Confused
Your DC are around her 3 days a week so I don’t see the big deal….I think you are overreacting or trying to make a drama

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 03/02/2022 17:43

Im not surprised he didn't tell you...... You're coming across as an hysterical, pain in the arse 😬

Dollyparton3 · 03/02/2022 17:44

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

Im not surprised he didn't tell you...... You're coming across as an hysterical, pain in the arse 😬
Seconded
judyf86 · 03/02/2022 17:45

My friend works almost two hours away from home so her partner is on the pickup list as he is only 20mins away. It might be more practical.

RG2468 · 03/02/2022 17:46

People are saying he should have discussed it but I don’t see why? He’s got them 3 days a week. So he’s pretty much 50/50 she’s a big part of their lives and their upbringing. I think you’ve got to choose your battles. If he discussed it with you, you might have kicked off (looking at your reaction to this) think he’s got to be allowed to make safe decisions for his kids . He can’t be that bad? You had kids with him and agreed 50/50 care.

DiddyHeck · 03/02/2022 17:47

I'm desperately trying to understand the relevance of his woman being 9 years younger than your ex husband?

Anyone else struggling?

SilverDoe · 03/02/2022 17:51

What do you mean your DD told you his wife had been put on the pick up list?

RG2468 · 03/02/2022 17:51

Plus come on everyone no point digging at the OP about mentioning the new wife is 9 years younger. It’s obvs why she’s mentioned it - it's something that grates with her and upsets her. Not relevant to this situation but unreasonable or not it’s something that upsets the OP. Don’t beat her up over it please!

Anonymous48 · 03/02/2022 17:51

You're being very unreasonable!

I don't know how typing wife rather than girlfriend can be a "typo", but given that you made that mistake I assume they live together and she is therefore in the role of stepmother to your children, rather than just a casual fling?

In which case, I would assume she is on the pick up list and wouldn't be concerned about it. Nor would I expect my ex to inform me of such because it's none of my business.

The whole "9 years younger" thing is nasty too. What does that have to do with it? Are you implying that she's not capable of taking care of your kids? If so, then you've got bigger problems than who's picking them up from school.