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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH put new wife on kids pickup list

203 replies

Fatmum21 · 03/02/2022 15:59

AIBU? Name changed for this.
Me and ExH have been divorced for four years with DS 15, DD 11, and DS 8. It was a messy divorce for reasons I won’t get into now.
ExH new gf, is is 9 years younger and they have DC three nights a weeks. They have been together for 18 months and she isn’t my biggest fan but we are civil. I recently found out that ExH has put her on the pickup list for my, DD and youngest DS who are both in primary school. ExH did NOT tell me this and I have found out through DD! I confronted ExH and he said it wasn’t a big deal! AIBU that he didn’t tell me about this, or should I ‘relax’ (ExH words)

OP posts:
caringcarer · 03/02/2022 21:00

It might be hard to think she is collecting your children but she will never be their Mum OP. She might only need to collect in an emergency if your exh can't get them. You know your children love you, yes?

Anniegetyourgun76 · 03/02/2022 21:13

I feel a bit sorry for the new gf/wife Tbh, it's a pain in the arse picking up my own kids and she's been roped into getting someone elses!

Iamkmackered1979 · 03/02/2022 21:22

So they can stay with her 3 nights a week but she can’t pick them up?
She’s your exes wife not just a random person he’s been seeing surely it makes sense

ittakes2 · 03/02/2022 21:24

They have been together for 18 months...I am not getting what negative things you think she is going to do with these extra rights?

ittakes2 · 03/02/2022 21:25

Just seen your new post - sorry still not getting why you are upset he didn't tell you and that the kids did? They live with her three days a week. Its not like she is a stranger to them.

FloBot7 · 03/02/2022 21:45

@Bagamoyo1

Typical MN double standard. If OP had posted that she’d put her boyfriend of 18 months on the school pick up list, she’d have been destroyed, and told that at 18 months the kids shouldn’t even have met the boyfriend, never mind spend time alone with him. But men are allowed to move a new woman in straight away and apparently that’s just fine.
Yes but statistically a man is far more likely to abuse or mistreat a child than a woman.
funinthesun19 · 03/02/2022 22:03

And in six months time, the OP will be able to laugh at this silly woman going out in the pouring rain to fetch someone else's
children,rush home to cook for them,get their HW done, get bathed and so on...of course she's doing all this to please her husband. Not as romantic a life as she had expected.

There’s nothing laugh at and feel smug about.
I would never call another woman stupid for doing all of that for my kids. How ungrateful.

Starseeking · 03/02/2022 22:58

Why are you so upset about this? You need to reflect on that because it sounds a bit irrational. You can't control what goes on during your DCs time with their Dad and his DW.

If your EXDH's DW is happy to do this, I'd be grateful to her for putting herself out like that, given that your DC are not her DC.

blakeway45 · 03/02/2022 23:00

I've only read your first message but you are BU.

Missey85 · 04/02/2022 05:01

YABU its common sense if your partner works that she's on the list to pick them up

Exdonkeylover · 04/02/2022 07:52

It's not unreasonable, but he might have mentioned it out of being polite.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/02/2022 11:16

@Fatmum21

Thank you for all the messages. To be clear, I am not upset that ExH gf is on the pickup list. I am upset that ExH didn’t tell me and I had to find out through DD. I am a bit paranoid and am now scared there are other things he isn’t telling me but I’m probably just overreacting.
You're definitely over reacting
user1498572889 · 04/02/2022 13:11

@AlDanvers
Purely because its the nice thing to do. I think both parents should know who is on the pick up list.

Mommabear20 · 04/02/2022 13:18

If things were reversed, would you see a problem putting your DP on the pick up list? Probably not. Sounds alot like jealousy to me

skodadoda · 05/02/2022 07:27

@MartinMartinMarti

I’m interested in what her being 9 years younger has to do with her ability to take kids home from school?
Quite! OP, when he has the children he has absolutely no need to inform you about his pick up arrangements
londonrach · 05/02/2022 07:34

I don't understand the problem here...I'm surprised she not down to collect them if they live together. Makes sense

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 07:37

[quote user1498572889]@AlDanvers
Purely because its the nice thing to do. I think both parents should know who is on the pick up list.[/quote]
That doesn't answer the question, why is it nice? It doesn't impact the op at all.

And unless someone is a danger to your children, why is a priority to know who is written on a list?

AlternativePerspective · 05/02/2022 07:45

There are plenty of step parents out there who talk about the ex wife in terms of that she refuses to allow the children anything to do with them/gets annoyed if they are on the scene etc.

Sounds like you’re one of those types.

Fact is you’re not together. He’s with someone else, she’s a part of their lives whether you like that or not, and it stands to reason that she should be able to pick them up from school if need be.

We get plenty of threads here from ex’s saying that their eXH thinks they should be the ones picking up the kids even on the days when eXH has contact, and who are rightly miffed about that. Now we have an ex whose wife is presumably ok to do it and you’re getting up in arms about it.

Personally mine was in y5 when me and eXH split and I used to pick him up as I was SAHM then so ex used to collect him from me. But his gf did pick him up from my house a couple of times when they had a day together planned and ex had e.g. been away on business and wouldn’t be back until later that morning. Never occurred to me to be upset about that. Why would it?

TheGrinchsDog · 05/02/2022 07:47

@Fatmum21 I think you should re-do this post and make it clear the woman is a Girlfriend of 18 months rather than new Wife... it does put a different slant on things and I believe you have ended up with skewed results as consequence of the typo.

user1498572889 · 05/02/2022 08:54

@AlDanvers
Of course it impacts both the parents. They should both know who is on the list so they both know some random isn’t picking up their kids.

AlDanvers · 05/02/2022 16:15

[quote user1498572889]@AlDanvers
Of course it impacts both the parents. They should both know who is on the list so they both know some random isn’t picking up their kids.[/quote]
How would a random get on the list?

A random name, appears by magic in the list and someone then with the same name or who knows is in that list and uses that name picks them up?

The school should be ensuring only the parents are adding people to the list. Why would either, put a random on there?

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/02/2022 18:13

@Hapoydayz

More fool her if he's getting her to do his parenting wife work for him!
....it'd be interesting to see what you'd say if the post was about the new girlfriend refusing to pick them up because they're not her kids.

If you're a step-parent, you parent. That's why we have the expression at all.

user1498572889 · 06/02/2022 13:26

@AlDanvers. I have just asked my daughter about this as she is a parent and a step parent. Neither her or her ex would add someone to the school pick up list without telling the other one. Perhaps they are lucky in the fact that they have a good parental relationship with each other. Also her DSS’s mum wouldn’t add someone without telling their dad. They must be in the minority.

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 13:48

[quote user1498572889]@AlDanvers. I have just asked my daughter about this as she is a parent and a step parent. Neither her or her ex would add someone to the school pick up list without telling the other one. Perhaps they are lucky in the fact that they have a good parental relationship with each other. Also her DSS’s mum wouldn’t add someone without telling their dad. They must be in the minority.[/quote]
Great. Your dd chooses that.

The fact that someone else does it, doesn't obligate anyone else to do it. It's a choice.

That's why I don't get anyone thinking he should have to. Especially on the basis of 'if they don't some random might get in the list'.

user1498572889 · 06/02/2022 18:22

@AlDanvers
As I said in my first post I just think it is the polite thing to do.