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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
WeirdlyKind · 03/02/2022 11:14

What's the point of continuing a relationship that makes you feel like that all of the time? I know it's easier said than done but I'd be looking at a divorce because it's never going to get better.

TottersBlankly · 03/02/2022 11:14

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me [numerous] times

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here?

Away.

For good.

Isn’t that obvious?

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:17

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.

OP posts:
Gooseberrypies · 03/02/2022 11:17

He is an abusive arsehole using violence and threatening behaviour to get what he wants. You need to leave him, never mind scrapping the trip.

drpet49 · 03/02/2022 11:17

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers

Boiledbeetle · 03/02/2022 11:17

If I was you I would tell him to go out with his mate as the surprise is cancelled. And also add an extra surprise that your relationship is cancelled as well. Life is to short to put up with this crap.

Gooseberrypies · 03/02/2022 11:18

You cannot make it better. He will not change. Your children don’t deserve to have a parent who acts like this. Do you want to teach them it’s okay to put up with this treatment?

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:19

@drpet49 i did explain why. He asked would it get in the way of our plans and i said yes.

The explanation was it would ruin the plans ive had sorted for weeks for you.

Clear as day what more did he need.

OP posts:
Sicario · 03/02/2022 11:20

Cancel the treat. Start planning a better life for yourself.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 03/02/2022 11:21

You can't make it better.

Do your kids a favour and make an exit plan.

merryhouse · 03/02/2022 11:21

@drpet49

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers
Did you miss the bit where she'd previously told him she had something booked?
Plutoisaplanet · 03/02/2022 11:21

@drpet49

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers
Under normal circumstances I could agree however, op was trying to do something nice and give her dp a surprise. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Dearblossom · 03/02/2022 11:23

bumerous... what a great misspell! sorry, I'll be quiet apart from saying, why are you with him if it's shitty? make some changes x

FFSFFSFFS · 03/02/2022 11:24

You can’t do anything to make it better because you haven’t don’t anything wrong!

Time to call woman’s aid for a first step in starting to plan your and your childrens wonderful full life away from this dickhead

Theblacksheepandme · 03/02/2022 11:24

Have you had couple counselling or is it just him going to counselling? We went to couple counselling and then had individual counselling.

Greenlight4 · 03/02/2022 11:24

Does he like suprises? I often think the people arranging the suprise are much more into it and get more from it then the people being suprised

TheChip · 03/02/2022 11:26

He threw a temper tantrum to get his own way. How would you handle this if one of your children acted this way?

It doesn't sound like a very nice way to be living having an adult throwing temper tantrums like that, but I know you don't want to hear suggestions to leave.

What do you want to do? Forget everyone else who may be affected. What do you want to do? Whatever that is, do that.

coodawoodashooda · 03/02/2022 11:28

He's getting a kick out of keeping you on edge and unhappy. You might not want to leave but you can't live like that.

Blueberryflavour · 03/02/2022 11:28

You’re asking Mumsnet for an answer that no one can give you. He knew you had something planned but didn’t block out the time as he doesn’t see your relationship as a priority. When you wouldn’t agree to spoil the plans so he could hang out with a mate he got angry. Then when you told him what the surprise was, presumably something he wanted to do, he decided that he did want to do it after all and expected you to be okay with that. It’s as clear as day that he’s an arse and an aggressive one at that, you are the only one who can decide what to do about that.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:31

This relationship is dead in the water

The weekend away and surprise was a plaster on a corpse

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/02/2022 11:31

Put up and shut up.
That is the only way your relationship can move forward if you won't Ltb.
Is that a move you are happy with op?

DrSbaitso · 03/02/2022 11:32

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
He isn't going to change. This is how it is. There will be no changes except the ones you make, whatever those are.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/02/2022 11:32

You can't make an abusive relationship better

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:32

I remember an ex that I wasn’t bothered about and building up to ending it arranged a surprise
My heart sank

SartresSoul · 03/02/2022 11:34

The relationship is toxic and dead. Staying does nobody any favours, including your DC. You need to plan a route out and scrap the surprise.