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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 03/02/2022 11:34

Sadly lass you can’t navigate it as he is the one creating waves.

And you can’t make it better until he wants to. And he doesn’t. He knew you had plans for this weekend and yet was happy to make other plans and threw a mantrum when he didn’t get his own way.

Read your post to yourself. The words jumping out at me hurti (ing you), shitty, aggressive, stroppy, wound up, demanding, uncontrollable temper, etc.

If you see all this, then your bairns will see it. And you all deserve better. You really do.

WonderfulYou · 03/02/2022 11:34

If he said he wanted to do X and you clear as day said I’ve already booked a surprise getaway that weekend for you and he still got angry - then I don’t know why you want advice on how to make it better because there is literally nothing you can do.

However if you didn’t communicate well and it led to him being frustrated because you were saying he couldn’t do X but not saying why - then I’d let it go and still go on the weekend.

At the end of the day this relationship doesn’t work and will end eventually.

You need to ask yourself how long you are going to try and make it work.

If you give yourself 5 years you could look back and say at least I’ve tried for 5 years or you will say I can’t believe I’ve wasted 5 years on something that wasn’t working.

MichelleScarn · 03/02/2022 11:34

It sounds v dramatic, how is he to know if you'd planned a nice lunch, theatre trip, full day away or an overnight? I'd like the to know that at least!

Ohmybod · 03/02/2022 11:35

Only your DP can make it better. He is the problem. Not you.

You could give counselling a bit more of a chance. Bit if he’s already a bit down that road and failing to make positive change, then you really do need to start planning for a future without him. Digging your heels in to ‘navigate’ this is selfish

Gingernaut · 03/02/2022 11:38

He's a cunt. Don't ever try to do anything nice like that again.

Make plans to leave.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:39

You’re not married
You don’t have children

Really, he’s free to make weekend plans

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:41

And if I really wanted to do something
And my partner was saying “don’t as will ruin what I’ve planned” but giving no indication as to what I’d be a bit Hmm

AnakinthePadawhine · 03/02/2022 11:41

If you will not leave, whether by fear of the unknown, or usual dependency bred by apathetic personality, I would advise not investing yourself emotionally.
If you accept to live in an abusive and miserable relationship, better protect your feelings by expecting nothing from him but what a provider does: money and a roof over your head. Do not do nice things for him, take care of yourself and your children.

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/02/2022 11:42

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
If this is what you really want…

Accept it’s not a partnership - you are on your own.
Dramatically lower your expectations.
Ask him for nothing / be totally self reliant.
Minimise engagement with him.
Make as few plans to do anything nice as possible.
If you have to make a plan - tell him your plans well in advance and ask if he’d like to join. ensure the plan is such it doesn’t matter whether he comes or not. I.e. you aren’t dependent on him to drive, the tickets aren’t booked in advance

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 03/02/2022 11:42

gingernaut

You put it better than I did.

Gizacluethen · 03/02/2022 11:43

Cancel it. Tell him to go out with his friend instead

Coughee · 03/02/2022 11:44

She does have children.

And he knew she’d planned a surprise - that’s why he was asking

There’s also a big difference between losing your temper and banging things around and being Hmm

Don’t think there’s much you can do op to force someone to behave like a reasonable human being. That’s entirely in his power not yours. The only way to navigate it and not split up is decide you’ll put up with it.

SlashBeef · 03/02/2022 11:45

The fact you have kids makes this even worse. If you're scared of his temper I imagine the children are too. You can't make an abusive person "better".

Lunificent · 03/02/2022 11:46

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
You can’t navigate this and make it better. This is him. Some relationships improve with work, but if one of the partnership is abusive, they don’t get better. I think, even though it seems too difficult to leave him, you should start thinking along those lines otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a life of misery.
GiantHaystacks2021 · 03/02/2022 11:47

If you're one of those women who believes that any old pair of trousers is better than none, then stay with him.

Personally, I'd be gone.

namechange30455 · 03/02/2022 11:48

Were your kids in the house while their dad banged about and shouted and made their mum cry?

Why would you want them to keep witnessing this?

notangelinajolie · 03/02/2022 11:48

Surely telling him in advance that he was going to have a surprise spoiled the surprise? It's like saying, I know something but I'm not telling you. He's a moody man - I can see why that might annoy him, epecially if he thinks everyone is talking about him and planning this surprise behind his back
I don't like surprises and this would wind me up too. The only difference is that I would smile gracefully.
I'm not making excuses for him - I'm in the LTB camp here. Walking on eggshells around someone like this is no life.
You can't change him into the man you want him to be OP and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make things better for you and the kids other than leave.

thisplaceisweird · 03/02/2022 11:49

You can't change your husband OP. There is nothing YOU can do to make this better and it doesn't sound like he wants to put in the work to make it better. Everyone on this thread will tell you the same. The relationship is over.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 03/02/2022 11:49

Your children don't need to grow up seeing this abusive relationship as the norm.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 11:49

@GiantHaystacks2021

If you're one of those women who believes that any old pair of trousers is better than none, then stay with him.

Personally, I'd be gone.

Exactly
CannelloniMacaroni · 03/02/2022 11:51

@Toanewstart22

You’re not married You don’t have children

Really, he’s free to make weekend plans

We have children together and i have no where to go.
CannelloniMacaroni · 03/02/2022 11:53

How do your children react to his aggressive outbursts op?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 11:54

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
You are in an abusive relationship. You are raising your children in an environment where you are being abused. The way you ‘navigate it and make it better’ is by taking them and leaving. Once you square that in your mind, you can start thinking about how you go about leaving. People here will be very happy to help with guidance on finance and housing possibilities.
BurntO · 03/02/2022 11:54

I dunno…I’d be pissed off if my OH said I couldn’t go out at the weekend but wouldn’t tell me what the plans where. Not everyone likes surprises and I’d feel controlled and I’d definitely be annoyed.

However only you know the big picture, if it is a volatile relationship and you’re unhappy, end it.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 11:56

@BurntO

I dunno…I’d be pissed off if my OH said I couldn’t go out at the weekend but wouldn’t tell me what the plans where. Not everyone likes surprises and I’d feel controlled and I’d definitely be annoyed.

However only you know the big picture, if it is a volatile relationship and you’re unhappy, end it.

If you didn’t like it, you’d say from the outset and have an adult conversation about your preferences and feelings about surprises, surely?