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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 03/02/2022 15:53

I told him we was "going out" this weekend because his friends coming over was thesurprise part. I told him this so i had an excuse to get him dressed up before they came over*

He needed to get dressed up to stay at home all day?! ..

Sorry but I'd be quite annoyed at that too!

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:54

@BoredZelda i cant believe you are insinuating i deserved his outburts and still do. So i deserve his emotional and phsyical crap because i tried to do somethong nice for him. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 15:55

@MichelleScarn i told him we was going at 8. I gave him a fake time. Why does all this matter? Why are you all interrgating me

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 03/02/2022 16:01

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
But there is nothing you can do to make it better, other than leave. Unfortunately you can’t bring about a personality transplant for him.
waffle222 · 03/02/2022 16:02

[quote OakRowan]@Lemis as loads of people have said planning a surprise for an abusive partner when your relationship is in the rocks wasn't a good idea, could even be viewedas manipulative as has also been said. You didn't and still don't understand that, you both lost your tempers, neither of you covering yourselves in glory here. Dont set someone dangerous to you up for a big drama, or treats, or surprises, he is unpredictable and unreasonable, but you did it anyway and it turned out to not be safe for you. It wasn't a good idea. You are so focused on being the one doing the nice things that you can't see thats not necessarily a healthy position, or appropriate in a relationship where someone is abusing you. Its sad.[/quote]
I don't understand how her trying to do a nice surprise and desperately trying to hold on to some hope for their relationship is manipulative. You just have to look at the intention to understand that.

I agree, he's abusive and the dynamics aren't healthy. But let's not victim blame here. It's totally normal to end up in that dynamic of trying to please the person who's behaving this way because you just want them to be happier and both of you to be in a better place. It's hard to accept there's nothing more you can do.

It's not your fault OP.

BobHadBitchTits · 03/02/2022 16:05

I'm sorry your partner is such a dick, OP. I do agree that planning something nice for him wasn't the best idea.

I'm also sorry you're getting a hard time here, as well.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 03/02/2022 16:08

You're only 21, you have multiple children with him and you live with either his or your family.
You're not living the life of a normal 21 year old and I am sad for you.

Suprima · 03/02/2022 16:14

[quote Lemis]@Suprima but we are on better terms. We have been working on things, going on dates, being more attentive. So i thought for his birthday i could do this for him. I wouldnt plan this if we wasnt talking or at each others throats. But his reaction to the cross over of plans to me has thrown all our hard work this month in the bin. It was a total reset of what he used to be like. That is why im posting about this[/quote]
Nothing you have posted so far suggests your relationship is salvageable, nor that he likes or respects you very much.

You are 21, with multiple children with this man. Get out of this situation before you are in an even deeper hole.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 16:15

@Lemis Why are you arguing with the handful of posters who seem intent on misunderstanding you? You’ve been doing it for most of this thread. That’s not going to address or solve your problem and, honestly, why do you care so much what a few strangers think?

There are dozens of posters addressing the actual issue. Perhaps focus on those posts. You need to leave this man.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 03/02/2022 16:15

Your partner sounds self-centred and he manipulates situations to enable him to do what he wants.

He was being totally unreasonable. He knew you made a surprise for him. He should have been grateful, not dismissive and manipulative like he was.

Honestly? He knows what the problem is, he's had support to change his behaviour and he hasn't.

There's nothing left to do. You either have to accept this is your future or you leave him.

I know you love him and want it to work, but it won't. He won't change. He doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve to be treated poorly again and again. Show your kids it's not functional and leave.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 16:16

Okay ive had enough.

Never in my life did i think this was a place where people would hold a gun at your head unless you depicted the situation word for word with the utmost precision. Ive had to answer to too many people on here like they are my partner

Ive been called controlling
Manipulative
A bad person

And yet most of you are telling me im in abusive relationship? So is this how you talk to vunerable women to make them see sense. Its disgusting. The amount of people that have tried to twist this nice thing i wanted to do into some weird horrid narrative is crazy. There was nothing more to this surprise other than i just wanted to make my dp happy. No control, no mind games. Im shocked that you all saw otherwise.

I am now leaving this thread and asking for it to get taken down.

In future reference i will harbour my own feelings any day over confiding on this website which is meant to be for fellow mums.

Thanks for showing me how ugly this place and people can be

OP posts:
diddl · 03/02/2022 16:21

[quote Lemis]@BoredZelda i cant believe you are insinuating i deserved his outburts and still do. So i deserve his emotional and phsyical crap because i tried to do somethong nice for him. Thanks[/quote]
Of course you don't deserve them-& neither do the kids which is why you should leave.

grapewine · 03/02/2022 16:22

Sounds like a volatile relationship. If you told him the thing was at 8, then he could have gone and met his friends, for all he knew. How is he supposed to know it's a fake time? If you want him to stay home all day for something, say that.

RunningFromInsanity · 03/02/2022 16:24

@Lemis You are getting angry with the wrong people.
Your husband is an arsehole. You know that but you won’t leave.

Whatever we say about this surprise incident is not going to change that.

Viviennemary · 03/02/2022 16:25

I would hate a surprise trip. You ruined his plans and refused to tell him what you had in mind. He just doesn't enjoy this kind of thing. You are simply not compatible.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 16:28

i cant believe you are insinuating i deserved his outburts and still do. So i deserve his emotional and phsyical crap because i tried to do somethong nice for him. Thanks

Setting aside the fact your own post asks "Pissed off AIBU", perhaps you should do some of that reading you are so keen to tell others they should do, because you clearly missed where I said "I mean, it doesn't justify his behaviour and everything everyone said previously about you never being able to change him and you should leave still stands

But instead of addressing the comments which have made it clear you cannot change him if you stay and you really need to leave, you are picking up on others' minor issues and getting very annoyed about it. You've said you can't go anywhere, but you are staying with family and it seems he has a house so, why not just kick him out?

BobHadBitchTits · 03/02/2022 16:30

@Viviennemary

I would hate a surprise trip. You ruined his plans and refused to tell him what you had in mind. He just doesn't enjoy this kind of thing. You are simply not compatible.
1) it wasn't a surprise trip 2) he'd been informed there was a surprise planned prior to the other plans being suggested 3) OP has said he's happy now he knows the surprise

I suspect you're right about them not being compatible, though.

ScabbyHorse · 03/02/2022 16:31

That's so shit of him. I would love love love a surprise present from my OH!

Broads93 · 03/02/2022 16:31

So his temper goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds while you're staying with family. Imagine what he'd be like to live with, his temper wouldn't have any bounds...

cushioncovers · 03/02/2022 16:31

Putting aside the surprise gone wrong op how do you feel about him? Is he a good dad? Are you happy?

feministqueen · 03/02/2022 16:36

Do you think that you could go ahead and enjoy the weekend and the things you had planned?

Viviennemary · 03/02/2022 16:37

I wouldnt want to be 'informed' I was doing something and probably might be quite annoyed about it. I would want to be asked if this was something I would like to do and asked when. I get it that some folk would be delighted with a surprise which again raises the question of compatibility and knowing what works.

HailAdrian · 03/02/2022 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

girlmom21 · 03/02/2022 17:37

@Viviennemary

I wouldnt want to be 'informed' I was doing something and probably might be quite annoyed about it. I would want to be asked if this was something I would like to do and asked when. I get it that some folk would be delighted with a surprise which again raises the question of compatibility and knowing what works.
She said he likes surprises. He was essentially just bullying her into telling him what it was.
MzHz · 03/02/2022 17:45

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
4 fucking years I spent with the exact same issue

I know plenty spent longer and got the same result

YOU CANNOT MAKE THINGS BETTER WITH THIS MAN

It will only ever get worse

You do need to leave, BECAUSE of the kids. Not stay because of them. Show them what life should be like, show them healthy relationships

I left, my life is immeasurably better

You’re worth more than this dickhead and you know it

Don’t bother wasting your money on surprises for people who scare you or who don’t value you or your children