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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 03/02/2022 12:40

You say you don't want to leave. but what youre asking really is how can I make this better, how can I make him happier, how can I fix this relationship. The answer is you can't, at least not by yourself. He has to want to too. The only thing you can change is how you deal with it.

So you either accept his shitty behaviour and learn to cope with it, to walk on eggshells so as not to 'kick him off' and to train your kids to do the same, or you make long term plans to eventually end this relationship by looking at your options regarding housing/benefits/working and childcare.

he's not going to change, it doesn't benefit him to do so because he's got everyone jumping through hoops to stop him from losing his temper. The only thing you can change is how you react to it and what you are going to do to change the situation you are in.

QueeniesCroft · 03/02/2022 12:40

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
One day, you will realise that feeling like you are the one who needs to make the relationship better, and navigate a pathway, is one of the biggest signs that you need to leave.

You are trying to appease him, trying not to trigger his 0 to 100 temper, and teaching your children that this is how relationships work. When you live in a situation like this, there is no fixing it. You can learn to cover it up, and tell yourself that staying benefits the kids, but you can't actually fix it.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 12:41

@Heronwatcher i dont do multiple surprises!!!! Where are people getting this from. It was a one off for his birthday. The timing was fine. We have been on a good track all month and i cant change his birthday date.

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/02/2022 12:43

Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.

I’m sorry, OP. Noone can work miracles. You can stay and suffer, and let your children go on suffering as children do in bad marriages. Or you can end the relationship, which will be hard work and upheaval for a short time, but peace and freedom for you and the DC from then on.

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2022 12:45

Whose family are you living with @Lemis? Your partner sounds abusive and aggressive. What do you want to do now?

ADisgruntledPelican · 03/02/2022 12:46

It's quite common for abusive partners to try to ruin holidays, birthdays, celebrations, any day that has taken extra effort. That's what he did.
I'd be cancelling the 'surprise' or going with someone else.
He did this deliberately OP. He hasn't changed.
In a healthy relationship, this is what would have happened - your DP would have said to his friend 'no sorry I have other plans'. If the friend's plan seemed like an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity then your DP might have said 'I'd quite like to go out with my friend but I know we have plans - do they clash?' No need for shouting, pots banging or you feeling forced to ruin the surprise.

Lemis · 03/02/2022 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

orzoisorange · 03/02/2022 12:47

@Lemis, you're only responding to the people you take issue with. Don't waste your time –just ignore them and respond to the majority of posters who are offering you genuine advice.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 12:49

I dont know if this makes anyones opinions of me being "controlling" Hmm different but the surprise DOES NOT INVOLVE ME. It was something i planned for him with some friends. Must mean im the worst partner in the world hey.

OP posts:
orzoisorange · 03/02/2022 12:50

@Lemis, stop being so confrontational ffs! What do you think about the well-meaning good advice you have been offered on this thread?

Momijin · 03/02/2022 12:50

I personally don't like surprises but I wouldn't have behaved this way. And if I knew that there was something planned for me and having checked that it would clash, i wouldn't say anything more about it.

He's reaction is abusive. You cannot stay with someone like that. You can't have your kids grow up in this environment, thinking that it is ok.

One big reason why I split with my ex was because I didn't want my children to think that it was acceptable.

Porcupineintherough · 03/02/2022 12:54

You posted in a section of the website called "Am I Being Unreasonable " and literally asked if you were being unreasonable so why now throw your toys out of the pram because a (minority of) respondents thing yes, you were being unreasonable?

I dont think you are being unreasonable, I do however think you may be being unwise to put such a large amount of effort into trying to make your relationship work.

If you do want to keep trying with this guy then I suggest you make less effort. Match the amount of energy you put into making things work between you with his. See if the counselling is helping, as a previous poster said progress will not be linear but there should be progress.

I'd also start working on your get out plans. You may never have to use them but you'll feel less trapped if you know you can survive without him and how.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 12:54

@Lemis

I dont know if this makes anyones opinions of me being "controlling" Hmm different but the surprise DOES NOT INVOLVE ME. It was something i planned for him with some friends. Must mean im the worst partner in the world hey.
Op It’s like your on knife edge
Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 12:55

I’m starting to think there is likely a very compelling other side to this story

girlmom21 · 03/02/2022 12:55

@Lemis

I dont know if this makes anyones opinions of me being "controlling" Hmm different but the surprise DOES NOT INVOLVE ME. It was something i planned for him with some friends. Must mean im the worst partner in the world hey.
Can't he just take the friend with him then?
DrPhilYourGuts · 03/02/2022 12:56

Tbh doesn’t sound great, but also think you don’t seem to be able to communicate with each other.

What’s been said when you’ve discussed it later/post blow up?

silverbubbles · 03/02/2022 12:58

Cancel the non surprise and send him out him his mates. Stop trying to do nice things for him - you will exhaust yourself.

If you are going to stay with him you have to focus on looking after your self and damage limitation.

knittingaddict · 03/02/2022 12:58

@drpet49

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers
No it's not. I don't know if you just missed it, but the dp knew there was a surprise happening. I simple "that will ruin the surprise" should have been enough, but instead he acted like a tantruming toddler about it.
Veryworried22 · 03/02/2022 13:00

You both sound volatile tbh.

SantaHat · 03/02/2022 13:00

OP, you’re responding with anger and frustration to posters on minor points rather than listening to the consensus on the bigger issue.

how to navigate this and how to make it better

You can’t. You are in an abusive relationship and your children are being exposed to it. This will not get better and has the potential to get far worse (by your own admission you are scared of his temper and don’t trust what would happen if you were alone). I beg you to stop bothering with surprises and treats that he doesn’t appreciate and to try and make plans for protecting you and your kids.
Women’s Aid is a fabulous resource and a good starting place. There are always options. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your children.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 13:00

Not everyone likes surprises and I’d feel controlled and I’d definitely be annoyed.

Isn’t it the ultimate of wanting control, not to be able to hand over the planning of a trip to someone who knows and loves you, without you knowing anything about it?

When we were first together, my (now) husband said something about a surprise. I told him I didn’t like surprises. The reason I’m not a fan is, if someone gets it totally wrong and it’s something I really don’t like, my face is a dead giveaway despite my best efforts and that hurts someone I care about. Now we’ve been together for over 20 years, I’d be thrilled if he organised a surprise trip.

If you are NT, the only reason not to want a surprise is either that you want control, or are afraid of disappointment.

You have the protection of family members now but you should never be tied to someone whose temper you’re scared of.

I’d also presume it is his family, which means they are complicit in watching their family member abusing his partner and kids. Even more of a reason to get away.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:02

@Toanewstart22 not really ive already put up with so much shit in my life and had a near death experience last week. Just dont have time for more crap of random people like you online for no reason.

Ive done nothing wrong here. I tried to do something nice for my partner. It was up to him to communicate whether he wanted to go or not. But he told me he was fine with it. He also promised no more banging items and screaming as its toxic but he reverted back to that and that is what has upset me because non of it was appropriate or called for. I was just trying to do something good

OP posts:
annonymousse · 03/02/2022 13:03

It seems you are getting angry with posters here but your anger should be directed at your partner

WouldBeGood · 03/02/2022 13:04

There’s nothing you can do to make this better or navigate it.

You need to leave for you and DCs.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 13:04

I dont know if this makes anyones opinions of me being "controlling" hmm different but the surprise DOES NOT INVOLVE ME. It was something i planned for him with some friends. Must mean im the worst partner in the world hey.

But you said

I told him i was taking him OUT so to leave the day free.

He also referred to “our plans” Maybe it isn’t clear to him it’s a trip out with his friends (but not the one who tried to make other plans with him.