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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
BadgerStripes · 03/02/2022 11:57

@Gooseberrypies

He is an abusive arsehole using violence and threatening behaviour to get what he wants. You need to leave him, never mind scrapping the trip.
This
Etinoxaurus · 03/02/2022 11:58

@drpet49

You can’t tell him he can’t go out and then not even explain why. Bonkers
In a healthy relationship you absolutely can. Keep x weekend free, I’ve arranged something.
TheApexOfMyLife · 03/02/2022 11:59

@Lemis, I think you need to slowly detavhed from him.

The relationhsip is not good. You know that but you are still going oyt of your way to give him a surprise, be nice to him etc... as if he was the love of your life. He is NOT (by your own words).

So how do you deal with the situation?
By stoping to expect he reacts as if he was a nice partner, caring for you.
By stopping to behave as if you have a great relatiohsip to nurture.

And then step back. Step back from him, the relationship as you were housemates/acquaintances rather than lovers (which neither of you think they are).
I suspect that as you stepping back and can see the whole picture better, you mght want to review if this marriage is actually worth it.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:59

@notangelinajolie what are you even on about? The surprise was for his birthday. I didnt tell him oh dp i have a surprise booked so dont do anything. I told him i was taking him OUT so to leave the day free. Im not stupid.

He was looking forward to it. My partner appreciates surprises. You dont usually tell someone a birthday present.

Stop assuming you know his likes or dislikes. Up until he had other plans he was really looking forward to it. Then he switched up as soon as his friend asked him to go out that weekend.

OP posts:
Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 12:00

Oh there are children involved Sad

OakRowan · 03/02/2022 12:00

I think if you are going through a difficult time together, you know he's not behaving well and is having counselling you are setting your targets and expectations a bit high arranging so much stuff, especially surprises, the taking the huff when you can't explain because SUPRISE. That's a lot to handle for both of you if tensions are already sky high. He's responded badly, but maybe lower your expectations as part of navigating a difficult time. If you do want to stay together see about counselling together and apart as others have said. Stop putting so much effort into arranging things if he's not going to give you what you want, while your relationship is in a crisis it adds another layer of pressure that might not be reasnable. Nice to do nice things, at the right time, with 2 receptive people, maybe now isn't the time. He still might be a dick that you should leave, even more reason not to over do it, is he making that much effort in return?

Drinkingallthewine · 03/02/2022 12:00

This is who he is.
Believe him.

If you still somehow think he's worth staying for, then you need to just brace yourself for all the shitty behaviour you'll be expected to take from him. And expect it to get worse, it always does. He will continue to treat you as badly as he can get away with.

And bear in mind that when your children grow up they will likely distance themselves as possible from you as well.

Lampshading · 03/02/2022 12:01

He sounds horrendous, if you don't protect your children from this aggressive man they will resent you for it. You say you can't leave and that you want advice on this situation, but there is no magic pill to make him change.

MulticolourTulips · 03/02/2022 12:02

It sounds v dramatic, how is he to know if you'd planned a nice lunch, theatre trip, full day away or an overnight? I'd like the to know that at least!

I have to agree. I actively dislike surprises. I was once trying to plan a weekend visit to my brother and dh was farting about, saying no not that weekend but not saying why not except that he had something planned. All weekend or just one day? I was asking. Ahaaa it's a surprise. I don't want a surprise, I want to be able to plan stuff. Also, for me, looking forward to things is half the fun. And if it's somewhere posh I can get my hair trimmed and nails done and feel all lovely. Nope. He knows now. Surprises are not everyone's cup of tea.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 12:03

[quote Lemis]@notangelinajolie what are you even on about? The surprise was for his birthday. I didnt tell him oh dp i have a surprise booked so dont do anything. I told him i was taking him OUT so to leave the day free. Im not stupid.

He was looking forward to it. My partner appreciates surprises. You dont usually tell someone a birthday present.

Stop assuming you know his likes or dislikes. Up until he had other plans he was really looking forward to it. Then he switched up as soon as his friend asked him to go out that weekend.[/quote]
You assumed his likes
You assumed he liked a surprise
When actually… he wanted to make his own plans on his birthday and wanted to know what you’d had planned

Seeingadistance · 03/02/2022 12:04

He isn’t going to change, OP.

You feel trapped with no way out - contact Women’s Aid and they’ll help you find a way.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 12:05

@MulticolourTulips She’s said upthread that he generally likes surprises, so I don’t think that’s it.

And, even if he detested them, getting stroppy and banging things would still be unacceptable.

GrazingSheep · 03/02/2022 12:05

Are your children afraid of him and his 0 to 100 temper ?

MadameGazelleBand · 03/02/2022 12:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

ForTheHorde · 03/02/2022 12:06

You assumed his likes
You assumed he liked a surprise
When actually… he wanted to make his own plans on his birthday and wanted to know what you’d had planned

I find it really ironic that you are now making assumptions about a complete stranger and thinking you know what he wanted better than his own partner. OP already said to us that he a) likes surprised, b) was looking forward to it before something else got suggested.

Why do you know better than OP? Are you her DP?

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 03/02/2022 12:06

You don't want to hear the truth - that this man will only get worse and you should leave for your sake and the DCs' sake.

Not sure what else can be said.

Lampshading · 03/02/2022 12:07

@MulticolourTulips

It sounds v dramatic, how is he to know if you'd planned a nice lunch, theatre trip, full day away or an overnight? I'd like the to know that at least!

I have to agree. I actively dislike surprises. I was once trying to plan a weekend visit to my brother and dh was farting about, saying no not that weekend but not saying why not except that he had something planned. All weekend or just one day? I was asking. Ahaaa it's a surprise. I don't want a surprise, I want to be able to plan stuff. Also, for me, looking forward to things is half the fun. And if it's somewhere posh I can get my hair trimmed and nails done and feel all lovely. Nope. He knows now. Surprises are not everyone's cup of tea.

Even if that's true which OP has said it isn't, it's not acceptable to act like that. If you think it is your standards must be through the floor.
ChaosMoon · 03/02/2022 12:07

There are only 2 things you can possibly do. The first is to initiate couples counseling. But even then, he had to engage with it and you. He had to want to change.

The second is to leave. I'm so sorry. I know how hard that is, but that doesn't make it impossible, even though it might feel like it. I think women's air was mentioned up thread. Start there. And good luck.

Lifeslooser · 03/02/2022 12:08

Sorry to hear this, I feel hurt for you.
Your trying so hard, he knew it was a surprise and he was “booked up” but still tried to ruin it.

There isn’t anything you can do, he won’t change, no matter how much more time passes or how much you want him too, he just won’t.

I think you know that though, your just holding out and hoping against hope.

IncompleteSenten · 03/02/2022 12:08

Ok

Don't ever get annoyed by his behaviour. Don't challenge him or object to anything. Let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants and don't complain. Smile and be loving all the time.

Toanewstart22 · 03/02/2022 12:08

@ForTheHorde

*You assumed his likes You assumed he liked a surprise When actually… he wanted to make his own plans on his birthday and wanted to know what you’d had planned*

I find it really ironic that you are now making assumptions about a complete stranger and thinking you know what he wanted better than his own partner. OP already said to us that he a) likes surprised, b) was looking forward to it before something else got suggested.

Why do you know better than OP? Are you her DP?

The op said he likes a surprise

But surely his reaction to wanting to know would indicate… he doesn’t

EmpressCixi · 03/02/2022 12:09

So OP you specifically asked for advice that was not to simply leave him even though I as well as pp think you should seriously consider this as it appears to me that you have put in too much time and effort trying to salvage the relationship.

So, all the posts telling you to leave him, you have said for whatever reason you cannot do this. You asked, “how do I navigate this?”

First, therapy and counselling is never a linear progression. There will be three steps forward and two steps back at times. If his outbursts have lessened overall, this one doesn’t necessarily mean zero progress has been made. So look back at the past three months...count up the outbursts, are they decreasing or increasing? I’d definitely discuss this as a setback at your next session.

Secondly, I am glad to hear he did in fact apologise and would like to go forward with his not surprise. I would go ahead and do the activity with him, presuming he is well behaved between now and on the day. Surprises get outed all the time for various reasons and many people do not like surprises, even nice ones, that they know will be nice. So don’t feel like the whole event is now ruined. Does your DP even like surprises?

So, if this is not the straw breaking the camels back this time, I do think thirdly that you need to set a deadline of when you will call it over and done with. Yes therapy and counselling can and do improve things like anger management and relationships, but it doesn’t work well or fast enough for some relationships, you cannot be going through this with no light at the end of the tunnel...where it’s he either is shaped up or you are going to leave. You don’t want to make this an ultimatum or tell him this. This is something to think long and hard about and set for yourself internally. You cannot live like this the rest of your life, there has to be an end point.

IncompleteSenten · 03/02/2022 12:09

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
Quote didn't attach for some reason. I was responding to this.
thevassal · 03/02/2022 12:12

If you were living on your own with him you'd be scared of his temper, but you're not worried at all about the emotional effects of growing up with a dad that screams and bangs things when mummy doesn't let him out to play with his friend has on your kids?

tkwal · 03/02/2022 12:13

You made plans for a surprise , he spoiled it and then threw a temper tantrum. Then agreed to go on your planned trip once he knew what it was. Sounds like he was weighing his options..would the thing with his friend be more fun ? Lucky you, you came up with the better idea so he was going to go with you. Has he always been a head melter? Don't let practicalities keep you in a bad relationship. You don't have to find somewhere else to go , he does. I doubt he would want to take on your children full time so ask HIM to leave at least temporarily. The break would Do both of you good. You would have breathing space and he might start to understand what an idiot he's being. I would get legal advice to go over your options and obligations. At this point I'm not advising you to divorce but there's an awful lot for both of you to consider and you can't go on like this indefinitely