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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 03/02/2022 12:14

I’m not sure that this was the best time to plan an elaborate surprise OP even if you did it will good intentions. If you do want to keep trying I think you need to sort the basics out, like respect, communication and kindness before you move to romantic gestures. Also stop the surprises, it’s not working and quite often surprises are better for the giver than the person being surprised. That said depending on the extent of “banging and shouting” I agree that I’d be making plans- there are few things more damaging to kids than being brought up in a household where arguments and aggression are the norm.

MsSquiz · 03/02/2022 12:14

So he liked the idea of a surprise until he had a "better" offer.
If he didn't like surprises then he could've said something when OP asked him to keep the day free as she was making plans.

OP, this situation won't get better, he will continue to behave like this to get his own way and not be bothered about how it makes you feel.

My BIL is like this and has been for a long time. My SIL started off letting the behaviour slide and now her and the 3 kids walk on egg shells when he is around. It's no way to live, for you or your children

INeedNewShoes · 03/02/2022 12:16

You say your DP has been displaying shitty behaviour towards you.

In desperation to make him happy you went to the effort of planning a surprise.

By being shitty he has ruined the surprise.

You desperately want to fix the situation.

It reads as though there's a clear pattern: He behaves badly, you make even more effort to please him.

However much effort you make, it sounds as though it'll never be enough.

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 12:18

I've been there OP. It will drain every ounce of energy from you and make you feel like shit.

You can't make it better I'm afraid.

Unsure33 · 03/02/2022 12:21

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
so he knows he has you where he wants you - so sorry if you say you can not leave this will continue.
starfishmummy · 03/02/2022 12:21

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
It's not going to get better.
Suzanne999 · 03/02/2022 12:22

“ If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.”

This is the bit that worries me. You have the protection of family members now but you should never be tied to someone whose temper you’re scared of.
He behaved in a selfish and immature manner regarding your surprise and his temper tantrum sounds way out if proportion to him wanting to go out to play with a mate.
I m sorry your surprise got ruined but it does sound as if you have to pamper to his moods and temper —- that’s not a great way to live and an awful example for your children.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 03/02/2022 12:22

OP, you know you can't make someone change, they have to do it.

I always remember something said to my friend. She was crying to her mum about her marriage and the frustrations. She said "I feel like he's wasting my life". Her mother said "If you stay then you are wasting your own life". That's always stuck with me. (Friend is happily married to someone else now by the way)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/02/2022 12:23

The truth is, you can’t negotiate this or find a way through. You can’t live with someone who thinks this is ok, and the need to get out is more urgent because you have children.

In the immediate term you cancel the surprise- doesn’t matter you were looking forward to it. It’s tainted for you now, you won’t enjoy it, and he needs a consequence in the same way as a small child would - that sort of personality needs to feel the consequences of their actions.

You take him to court for a divorce and your share of assets even if you have to live with him whilst so doing - I had to do this as I had “nowhere to go” too.

Lifeslooser · 03/02/2022 12:23

It’s not going to get better.

Only option is to put your head in the sand. Many do it, can you?

girlmom21 · 03/02/2022 12:23

You say you have nowhere to go. Where are the kids going while you're out? Go there with them and stay there.

MaudieandMe · 03/02/2022 12:24

Do you really want your children to grow up walking on eggshells all the time in case their dad decides to get angry and explosive for no good reason?

That is a shitty childhood and they don’t deserve it and neither do you!

You can’t change his behaviour no matter what you do because this is his personality and he’s the only one who can change it. In all likelihood, he will get gradually worse over time.

You need to start planning to leave and even if things are difficult in the short term, you will be happier in the longer term. Many of us can testify to this.

rwalker · 03/02/2022 12:24

TBH seems a a touch of gas lighting not telling him which wound him up and now your the victim .

nitsandwormsdodger · 03/02/2022 12:26

What you did comes across how I used to engage with my ex towards the end

  1. I would Set up event / treat do something nice - makes me the good guy
  2. Ex would be rude, ungrateful hurtful and make me cry over “spoilt event I’ve worked sooooo hard at organising “
  3. He is a cunt , I’m crying. Saying I have no where to go

Get a job , get qualified, get another job get a flat and benefits sorted sort childcare and leave someone who no longer loves you the way you deserve to be loved, if there are children involved I would recommend relate counselling to end the relationships on a nicer tone

nitsandwormsdodger · 03/02/2022 12:29

I’m sorry if that came across blunt op someone spoke to me like that and it shock me to my senses x

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 03/02/2022 12:29

People, stop making excuses for this guy! If you don't like surprises, you can use your words to tell your partner this. if you want to organise something else, you tell your partner using your words. You don't get furious and crash around throwing things.

OP, look at what everyone is telling you.

He is a abusive. You can't fix him; only he can do that. You can't make him into the man you want him to be - listen to him! He is showing you who he is.

Leave him and improve your dc's lives.

Crumbleburntbits · 03/02/2022 12:30

If you don’t want to end the relationship, you have accept that he won’t change. It means that you and your DC need to always be ready for the next temper tantrum and must never challenge him in any way to avoid upsetting him. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal and will probably repeat the pattern of abusive relationships as adults. Were either of your parents abusive towards you?

It’s better to be on your own than live with an angry unpredictable partner because your DC deserve to have a peaceful, calm childhood.

diddl · 03/02/2022 12:31

Has displayed shitty behaviour & hurt Op.

Gets a birthday surprise in return.

I despair!

Eleganz · 03/02/2022 12:33

@Heronwatcher

I’m not sure that this was the best time to plan an elaborate surprise OP even if you did it will good intentions. If you do want to keep trying I think you need to sort the basics out, like respect, communication and kindness before you move to romantic gestures. Also stop the surprises, it’s not working and quite often surprises are better for the giver than the person being surprised. That said depending on the extent of “banging and shouting” I agree that I’d be making plans- there are few things more damaging to kids than being brought up in a household where arguments and aggression are the norm.
This, relationship is not in the right place for these kind of things. Obviously doesn't excuse any violent or threatening behaviour.
Hoppinggreen · 03/02/2022 12:34

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
You can’t make something terminal better. You can try and ease the path to your freedom though
TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 12:35

@nitsandwormsdodger

What you did comes across how I used to engage with my ex towards the end
  1. I would Set up event / treat do something nice - makes me the good guy
  2. Ex would be rude, ungrateful hurtful and make me cry over “spoilt event I’ve worked sooooo hard at organising “
  3. He is a cunt , I’m crying. Saying I have no where to go

Get a job , get qualified, get another job get a flat and benefits sorted sort childcare and leave someone who no longer loves you the way you deserve to be loved, if there are children involved I would recommend relate counselling to end the relationships on a nicer tone

  1. Ex says to kids "oh Mum's miserable AGAIN" and he'd be the fun guy.
incognitoforthisone · 03/02/2022 12:36

It sounds like the two of you are just on the same page and can't 'read' each other. You had set a lot of importance on his day out being a surprise, and that the surprise element was almost more important than the activity itself. Whereas for him, clearly he'd just rather have known.

There was absolutely no need for him to be aggressive about it, but I do think that if he wanted to know what he was doing on his birthday (for whatever reason), you should have just told him. Making something into a surprise is great if someone actually wants a surprise, but if they would rather be told about it, just tell them. Otherwise it becomes more about you and your wish to surprise someone (and for everything to perfect and exactly as planned) than it is about them and their gift.

It honestly sounds as if you are not at all compatible, and if this sort of conflict is happening a lot in your relationship and invariably results in him becoming aggressive and nasty, then you would be best off separating. You're not happy and neither is he.

AgathaGoesToHarrogate · 03/02/2022 12:38

You're "angry. He's "angry"

It doesn't sound an enviable way to live for either of you if even nice things turn rancid so quickly.

Time for both of you to sit down and work out the best way of finding a better life without each other.

There is no other way to 'navigate' as you put it because it sounds as if that ship has sailed and the best that could be hoped for you is the pair of you having to settle for a substandard relationship.

StopStartStop · 03/02/2022 12:38

What to do? Don't plan bloody surprises! You're an adult, so is he. 'Surprises' are ok for children, as long as they aren't autistic.

You don't want to be told to leave him - fine. But you sound controlling so maybe he should reconsider his options.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 12:39

@Toanewstart22 are you just deliberately not reading my posts properly?!

I just said he liked the surprise! He was excited for it. I told him 4 days ago and at no point did he say oh no i dont want to do this.

Infact it was the exact opposite. Once i had to spoil the plan he actually preferred it over what his friends wanted to do. Do you know why? Because i KNOW MY PARTNER and i knew he would like it. All i asked of him was to keep the weekend free which HE agreed. But somehow your trying to blame me?

OP posts: