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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp ruined surprised. Pissed off aibu

259 replies

Lemis · 03/02/2022 11:11

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:06

OMG!!!! Only on mumsnet would you all turn a simple birthday surprise into a horrible control method. Are you telling me no one does surprises anymore? Stop putting words into my mouth. There was no mean or bad intentions behind this. We have both been through hard times recently and i just wanted to get his friends together that he has seen in years to surprise him. Why am i the bloody devil because of it???!!!!

HE is an adult. If he didnt like it he could of said. But my point is being missed that HE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH UNTIL HIS OTHER FRIEND POPPED UP. Now that he knows the plan he prefers to see these set of friends ive arranged for him rather than the friend that asked him out. Jesus people.

OP posts:
OakRowan · 03/02/2022 13:06

Unnecessary aggressive reactions from you too, you did post in AIBU, some people will think you are being unreasonable. Setting yourself up for failure at a difficult time maybe, putting too much effort in if its not reciprocated. It is reasonable for posters to ask does he do the same for you, is he putting as much effort into your relationship, or are you overdoing it and then disappointed because it didn't have the effect you hoped for, because your relationship is fucked anyway, so you're both angry all the time, despite you nobly doing so much. Its a trap for him if he's not capable, plus a bit much to do so much for someone who treats you like shit, doomed to be stressful.

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/02/2022 13:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:08

@BoredZelda because his friends being there was the surprise! So of course i couldnt tell him. It was nothing crazy it was just his friends coming over to his house. So what did i do so wron that deserved him breaking his promise of not banging things or shouting anymore?

Tell me.

OP posts:
OakRowan · 03/02/2022 13:08

Ah just seen your last reply. You don't sound very easy to live with/communicate with either. You did ask, these are the responses, can't you see it might not have been a good idea to reward a man who is emotionally abusing you and then have a big strop when it didn't magically mend a struggling relationship? Not a surprise that.

SlashBeef · 03/02/2022 13:09

Hmm seriously you're kicking off on a forum because you didn't get answers your want?
Your kids have two parents that can't control their tempers! This is grim.

diddl · 03/02/2022 13:09

"I tried to do something nice for my partner. It was up to him to communicate whether he wanted to go or not. But he told me he was fine with it."

Until he had another offer so wanted to know what the surprise was so that he could choose.

That doesn't excuse his behaviour though.

Angiemum24 · 03/02/2022 13:09

Ask him to move out.

iRun2eatCake · 03/02/2022 13:10

@Lemis

We have children together and i have no where to go. Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better.
If you're not going to leave, then accept his behaviour and let him have his own way at all times so he doesn't get angry.

Do everything for him and the DC, don't ask him to do anything.

Totopoly · 03/02/2022 13:10

Im not looking for people to tell me to leave im looking for advice on how to navigate this and how to make it better

You can't. You either have to leave, or you have to accept that this relationship is not going to make either of you, or your children, happy.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:10

@OakRowan im asking how me planning a what is meant to be nice surprise for my partner controlling. Im not going to let some people call me such a horrible thing without explanation

I posted this for advice. Not name calling

OP posts:
Suprima · 03/02/2022 13:11

@Lemis

Me and dps relationship has not been good for a long time. He has displayed alot of shitty behaviour and hurt me bumedous times. He is finally getting counselling and we have a lovely get away booked. Things were meant to be going on the right track.

I had planned a surprised for dp. I will not get into the details as it is outing but it was for a special occasion. I had been planning it for weeks and was really looking forward to seeing his expression and for him to enjoy it. I had told him to expect something on the weekend but not what. He knew this for a while.

Then out of the blue last night dp said "oh x has invited me here on the weekend. If it gets in the way of our plans let me know."

I was shocked because it literally ruined my plans for dp so I said yes it did and expected it to be left at that.

Except for it didnt. Dp kept pressing it and suddenly switched. He got really angry and stroppy saying "oh i wont be out long oh why cant i go." He kept pressing me and demanding an answer. I didnt tell him and he went out the room and started banging things so i told him his aggresive atittiude and behaviour was uncalled for. I ended up having to tell him the surprise because he wouldnt accept my answer and was only getting more wound up.

I then got angry that i had to justify myself to him and he couldnt let it go. Also that he was angry at me when all i tried to do was do something nice for him. He didnt apologise straight away but instead proceeded to shout and bang stuff. It was ridiculous.

I went upstairs and cried because i didnt understand how trying so hard to do something good went so wrong and got soured.

After he calmed down he said sorry and that he would still like to go ahead with his now not surprise. I cant believe his uncalled for and uncontrollable temper. If i was living on my own with him ( we are with family) i think i would almost be scared with his 0 to 100 temper.

This has shown me yet again we have made no process. Where do i go from here? I want to scrap the whole thing but im sure that will cause more tension also there are other people involved so i would have to cancel on them

Don’t princess or plan surprises for men who are grumpy bastards when your relationship is on the rocks

If you don’t want to leave him- not much we can say

He won’t change.

TheChip · 03/02/2022 13:12

[quote Lemis]@OakRowan im asking how me planning a what is meant to be nice surprise for my partner controlling. Im not going to let some people call me such a horrible thing without explanation

I posted this for advice. Not name calling[/quote]
But you seem to be ignoring advice and focusing on posts you don't agree with

NowEvenBetter · 03/02/2022 13:12

It’s not fair on your kids to make them live with an aggressive man. You can’t be dependent on an abusive boyfriend, you have zero legal protections, who owns the property? If not already, you’d need to get back to employment.

People can’t change another persons behaviour choices. It’s up to you if you want to tolerate being treated like crap, but your kids don’t get a choice and it’s damaging to inflict an abusive house on them, hope you can get them a better environment.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:13

@Suprima but we are on better terms. We have been working on things, going on dates, being more attentive. So i thought for his birthday i could do this for him. I wouldnt plan this if we wasnt talking or at each others throats. But his reaction to the cross over of plans to me has thrown all our hard work this month in the bin. It was a total reset of what he used to be like. That is why im posting about this

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 03/02/2022 13:14

Why can you stick up for yourself and get angry with people on the internet but not against your abusive husband?

Use this fire against the right person.

Darbs76 · 03/02/2022 13:14

I’m sorry but most people are going to tell you to leave and you know that’s the right decision

Eleganz · 03/02/2022 13:15

@Lemis

OMG!!!! Only on mumsnet would you all turn a simple birthday surprise into a horrible control method. Are you telling me no one does surprises anymore? Stop putting words into my mouth. There was no mean or bad intentions behind this. We have both been through hard times recently and i just wanted to get his friends together that he has seen in years to surprise him. Why am i the bloody devil because of it???!!!!

HE is an adult. If he didnt like it he could of said. But my point is being missed that HE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH UNTIL HIS OTHER FRIEND POPPED UP. Now that he knows the plan he prefers to see these set of friends ive arranged for him rather than the friend that asked him out. Jesus people.

I think some of us are telling you that when relationships are in a bad place there is often a lack of trust and poor communication that can lead to otherwise innocent or caring actions to be misconstrued and/or lead to conflict.

As has happened in your case OP. You are not the devil of course, but perhaps you need to try and different tack where you are in this relationship. As does your husband in terms of controlling his emotions and try to trust you and what you say.

Of course he had no problem until his other friend popped up because there was no competing request for his time.

3scape · 03/02/2022 13:16

It sounds as though whatever progress has been made there's not really a future with you two.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:16

Okay. Thanks to the people that gave helpful advice. I will talk with him later and discuss how im feeling and i will have to talk to all his friends and cancel on them

OP posts:
OakRowan · 03/02/2022 13:17

@Lemis as loads of people have said planning a surprise for an abusive partner when your relationship is in the rocks wasn't a good idea, could even be viewedas manipulative as has also been said. You didn't and still don't understand that, you both lost your tempers, neither of you covering yourselves in glory here. Dont set someone dangerous to you up for a big drama, or treats, or surprises, he is unpredictable and unreasonable, but you did it anyway and it turned out to not be safe for you. It wasn't a good idea. You are so focused on being the one doing the nice things that you can't see thats not necessarily a healthy position, or appropriate in a relationship where someone is abusing you. Its sad.

SalmonEile · 03/02/2022 13:17

Sounds to me like he didn’t trust the “ surprise” to be as good or fun as meeting his friend and wanted to weigh up his options

Ionlydomassiveones · 03/02/2022 13:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:18

@Eleganz thats what upsets me the most. When he asked if the plans intervened and i said yes but he kept prodding me for a response i asked him just to trust me and what i said. But he clearly couldnt. Of course then he found out and he had no reason to fret. But he should of just trusted m in the first place. And he should of never slammed things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemis · 03/02/2022 13:19

He knows right now how vunerable i am after ive recently experienced trauma. Life is too short. Pick your battles. This situation did not need that reaction. He didnt need to bring me to tears over this shit.

OP posts: