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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much will you be willing to spend to attend a wedding.

207 replies

Tohaveandtohold · 01/02/2022 21:52

This is inspired by BIL who has decided he’s having a destination wedding. The wedding itself is on Boxing Day but it’ll be a 4 day event, according to him, we’ll explore the location, etc. Flights and the wedding hotel cost for my family (4 of us) has come down to almost £8000. We’ll still pay for the activities, etc as well.

I’ve obviously said there’s no way Im spending that on a wedding but he still thinks we’re just not making an effort to save for it, he’s quite entitled!

So just curious, how much will you be willing to spend to attend someone’s wedding?
For voting,
Yabu- £8k is not a lot
Yanbu- he’s got to be kidding

OP posts:
Ducksurprise · 02/02/2022 11:02

@Sausagesausagesausage

I don't like anyone enough to spend £8k to watch them get married.
Me neither, no even my groom
Original poster
Tohaveandtohold · 02/02/2022 11:04

I knew we were not being unreasonable but I was almost doubting myself when we were having to justify ourselves to him.

His argument is that we’ve not had everyone in the family together for years and he thinks this will be a good holiday for us. He also said he chose Christmas time (the most expensive period!) because that’s when he’s sure everyone will be off work and the children will not be in school.

At the moment, two other family members have also said they won’t be attending and the two that wish to attend were asking if they can find another place to stay but he’s insisting that it’ll change the whole dynamic.
So far, the parent in-laws are the only ones that have said they will be attending and will stay at the venue.
So we’ll see how it goes.

OP posts:
D0lphine · 02/02/2022 11:06

Just say "I've priced everything up and it's going to cost £8,000 for the family because of the time of year and location. I am not going to come alone because of the time of year I want to be with my family. So sadly we can't come."

If he says you're not making an effort to save say "we are saving for our goals as a family. This is not one of our goals. We can toast your wedding the next time we see each other."

strawberry2017 · 02/02/2022 11:09

I didn't even spend that on my own wedding!
I

D0lphine · 02/02/2022 11:09

The rules about destination weddings is that you have to expect 90% of people Will say "sorry no". That's the rule!

In fact that's often why people have destination weddings! To keep it small!

It amazes me people think their wedding is a financial priority to friends and family. It really really isn't!

JustLyra · 02/02/2022 11:11

I didn't even spend 8k on my own wedding!!

I wouldn't spend that amount on anyone's wedding. It's absolutely ridiculous to expect people to spend that much.

What I would spend entirely depends on who it was and the reason for the cost of their wedding.

For example I happily spent a lot of money travelling abroad for a wedding that was being held where the groom came from. His grandparents were the only elderly relatives on either side and they couldn't travel. Him getting married at home is an entirely reasonable thing to do.
I declined my cousin's destination wedding that was just a random place, selected in the travel agents, because it looked pretty and was a couple of hundred quid cheaper than the other pretty place they had looked at previously.

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 11:12

@Tohaveandtohold

I knew we were not being unreasonable but I was almost doubting myself when we were having to justify ourselves to him.

His argument is that we’ve not had everyone in the family together for years and he thinks this will be a good holiday for us. He also said he chose Christmas time (the most expensive period!) because that’s when he’s sure everyone will be off work and the children will not be in school.

At the moment, two other family members have also said they won’t be attending and the two that wish to attend were asking if they can find another place to stay but he’s insisting that it’ll change the whole dynamic.
So far, the parent in-laws are the only ones that have said they will be attending and will stay at the venue.
So we’ll see how it goes.

If he wants everyone to have a family holiday together then he needs to accept other people also having an input into where, when and how expensive.
HomeHomeInTheRange · 02/02/2022 11:21

he thinks this will be a good holiday for us

When else does anyone think it reasonable to decide on other people’s holidays? LOL, we have never spent a quarter of that amount on a proper family holiday. I wouldn’t want a short holiday at that time of year!

Groomzilla.

Crunchingleaf · 02/02/2022 11:31

We are getting married about 75 minute drive from home. Hotel isn’t the cheapest but there is loads of other places nearby to suit those on a tighter budget.
When we originally started planning we discussed a wedding abroad but between older/ disabled relatives and relatives on low incomes we quickly forget that idea. My brother lives abroad and reckons he can’t afford to come. I am staying out of drama this is causing in the family. Life is too short.
8k is alot of money and for 4 days. Entitled doesn’t begin to cover it. Most families couldn’t afford that and would have more important uses for that money.

lolololloo · 02/02/2022 11:38

In this situation I would just tell DH to go. It's his brother and I also wouldn't want to pay 8k for a holiday which is dictated to by someone else.

rookiemere · 02/02/2022 11:42

Ah BIL wants everyone to stay at the same location as they've probably negotiated a cost based on a certain number of rooms being occupied.

If he genuinely wanted it to be about family being together, he'd have arranged a cheaper option. At least other invitees are pushing back so you won't be alone when you do it.

CoastalWave · 02/02/2022 11:43

Wow. Erm. £50 for a present, a night in a hotel. By the time you've added in the cost of new outfits to go, you're still talking £300 which is a lot of money for just a night out.

irishfarmer · 02/02/2022 11:49

It sounds like the guests will be paying for this wedding. It does happen, some people are that - I'm not sure of the word!

I've been abroad for 2 weddings, but weren't destination wedding as it was where both B&G were from or B. 1 I went a few days before to explore. One was in London where I've been loads so just a barely in for the wedding.

Not a chance would I pay £8,000 for a destination wedding!!

FlamingoQueen · 02/02/2022 11:55

So, the only 2 people that have confirmed are the ones that you have your suspicions that you’ll be asked to contribute towards?
Just say no!

irishfarmer · 02/02/2022 11:57

@Tohaveandtohold "At the moment, two other family members have also said they won’t be attending and the two that wish to attend were asking if they can find another place to stay but he’s insisting that it’ll change the whole dynamic."

That is exactly what happened my colleague. Her and DH were invited (I think DH's brother too) to a destination wedding and were expected to stay for 5 nights I for lots of extra activities/ meals.

All flights/ transfers/ hotel were included for about £3k p/p but they said no that was way out of their price range. They would get cheaper flights, stay in the hotel the night of the wedding and then stay on in the destination for another week. This did not go down well, you'll ruin it for everyone else blah blah blah, turns out the £3k p/p included paying for the entire wedding and the b&g to stay on for an extra week for their honey moon.

AnneElliott · 02/02/2022 12:10

We paid £1k for a close friends wedding as H was best man. They divorced after 4 years which was slightly grating! I wouldn't pay more than that unless it was a place I wanted to go anyway.

AlexissFreeenncch · 02/02/2022 12:11

There is really no point asking people this @Tohaveandtohold as it surely depends on your income? If BIL was having that wedding and it was going to cost £8k I would go but we can also afford it. Some people here saying they didn’t spend that much on their own wedding or only ever give £50 as a gift will obviously not be able to afford it and so wouldn’t pay it.

So the question really is can you afford it? How much would it be to stay in a different cheaper hotel for a week to turn it into a ten day holiday if the majority of the expense is flights?

Ducksurprise · 02/02/2022 12:16

The reply about everyone being off at Christmas so it's a good time for a holiday really annoyed me (and I'm not even invited Grin ) Christmas is a really good time for....um...Christmas. I bet if you go it will be wedding rehearsal and all that shit on Christmas day. Not fun for the children attending, or the adults. Particularly if they are small children, Christmas is only magical for a very small window.

XmasElf10 · 02/02/2022 12:18

I attended a friends Venice wedding some years back but turned it into a long weekend with my new DH (now ex-H!!). We did Ryanair flights and 3 nights hotel, an outfit and a gift…. That’s it. Any more would be a no from me!

CharSiu · 02/02/2022 12:21

I have easily spent that on family weddings but most of my family live in America and Hong Kong. So it’s not a destination wedding as such and I think it’s ridiculous to expect people to pay out for this. My family originate from Hong Kong but my brother went to study in America and stayed there.

The last wedding was one of my nieces in September 2019. We did stay for 2.5 weeks so obviously a holiday as well. As they are Chinese weddings they last for three days which means three outfits. For the actual wedding and tea ceremony a few women wore Cheongsam but most wore Formal evening dresses. For the dinner the night before I had a long evening skirt and silk blouse and then for the post wedding lunch on day three I bought a day dress that would have been great at an English summer wedding. I also had different jewellery, bags and shoes for each day.

I have been a guest at 35 weddings of which a number have been overseas. I have never worked out the total cost but it would be very high.

Of course they all came to my wedding but I decided to have just a regular English style wedding as DH is English and having basically three wedding receptions is ridiculously expensive.

Marvellousmadness · 02/02/2022 12:29

8k? Even 800 dollars would be too much for a normal person!
And even worse that its Christmas time as well. Your bil is delusional ...
Tell them thanks but no thanks

Noname1999 · 02/02/2022 12:29

YANBU!

Someone who plans a wedding like that either doesn't want that many people to attend or is seriously unreasonable.

I think your BIL is the second. Don't go and don't help pay for your PILs to go. It's not up to you to support this nonsense.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/02/2022 12:44

[quote Tohaveandtohold]@StCharlotte 😂😂😂 it’s at St Thomas island. I think because it’s at Christmas time, it’s bumped up the price of everything. Plus he has a really expensive taste.
To add, I’m sure we’ll be expected to contribute something as well to help FIL and MIL for the trip though they’ve not said anything about that yet[/quote]
That is an outsized cheek. Hard 'no' from me!

Horst · 02/02/2022 12:47

If we can’t drive there in less than 2 hours. It’s not happening basically. Cheap travel lodge tops £80 for a night for two. Outfits and a presents. Maximum.

tiredanddangerous · 02/02/2022 12:48

There's no way I would scrimp and save and live off beans on toast to save to go to a wedding, even if it was a close family member.

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