Shockingly useless DH never fails to surprise me..

[TheRemotePart]

DH works in an office
Asked him to bring me home an envelope so I could post an fairly important form to my workplace
DH returns home with no envelope
Him “ don’t worry , just write the address and I’ll post it for you tomorrow “
Me* writes address down, directly followed by FAO XXX
Today “ did you send the envelope?”
Him ,proudly “yes”
Me “ did you remember to address it to XxX as per written down for you ..?”
Him “ ”

And now I’m not allowed to be even remotely annoyed that post has gone to giant office block reception, rather than intended human /department

He does stuff like this all the time -if you don’t go through each step ( as if to a child) it will generally end in disaster ?
And every time, I usually absorb the information, that XX has been fucked up -I’m not allowed the summer in my annoyance for 5 mins ,quietly to myself ( I don’t usually explode but I do on occasion,as you can imagine…)
It was literal I written down for him?

He’s countering with how should HE know/realise that a huge company would need a vague target/department/person to send it to?( he knew the contents of the letter)

His boss said to him last week “ you must post this envelope it’s very important “ DH couldn’t find a stamp and no one in office had one- so he didn’t post it. He seemed surprised when his boss was annoyed to find it wasn’t sent?

And the last time I sent him out with a fully addressed letter( important) to be sent, he bought a stamp- but DIDN’T put it on!?

YANBU - it’s literally not hard to post a letter
YABU - he clearly cannot be trusted with this mammoth task

• for clarity, I’m at home with DC on mat leave which is why I didn’t post /buy it myself - in amongst that wild storm of this week!

@JudgeJ a wife’s errands?
F.ck me …

@HelloPanda12 omg I’ve literally just said this.
Goes to shop for 5 things, if he comes back with 3 off the list- we call it a win. ..

If we had no envelopes & it was shit weather, my husband would be offering & managing to post the letter-on his way to/from/at work- to save me the bother.

@BurntToastAgain by your own logic "Whoever is there at the time should do it."

The OPs DH is at work, where he has a large supply of available envelopes.

It's not an unreasonable request that involves him going out of his way for. And yet he still can't manage it.

How can you fancy someone that inept?

OP sorry I can't be arsed haven't read the multiple posts about whether you should or should not have envelopes and/or ask people to post letters for you, so not sure if it's been covered already, but.... The bit about you not being allowed to be angry at him troubles me. I have this issue with my H. You are not allowed to be cross with him. It's too much for his poor fragile feelz. In my experience this started off small, but has built so even if (when) he does something absolutely awful, you're trained not to be cross. It's not ok.

[quote Treacletoots]@BurntToastAgain by your own logic "Whoever is there at the time should do it."

The OPs DH is at work, where he has a large supply of available envelopes.

It's not an unreasonable request that involves him going out of his way for. And yet he still can't manage it.[/quote]
I mean, much as I think the this is theft 😱, posts are a bit hyperbolic, do people really think ‘we’ve run out of envelopes, he should get one from work’. Rather than ordering a pack from Amazon?

Seriously. Because that’s pretty shit.

I work in an office. I’m sure there are envelopes. But I don’t have a clue where they are. Plus I’m pretty sure it is a disciplinary issue - even if it feels petty.

I couldn't vote YABU or YANBU because it is a bit of both. If you keep on doing stuff yourself so that he never thinks of it or learns, its a bit like the Shoemaker's Elves, he wakes up in the morning to find someone else has magically taken on the role.

The constantly being let down I can deal with, it’s the back chat or surprise that’d I’d register annoyance that’s driving me crazy
As you say, these are simple tasks and the Manchild is screwing them up every time, which means you have to supervise everything or do it yourself..
the main question is when you point out what when wrong.. you are not allowed by him to be fed up or annoyed that he can't complete the task and its not just you, its his boss too, which makes it a wider, more life affecting problem than just your relationship with each other.

So any discussion of this repeated pattern makes him kick off and refuse to discuss.. that is the crux of the matter... but its not a simple solution because you have to get him to first recognise it and then second want to do something about it.
Do you get the sense that he wants life to be "spontaneous" and be looked on as the cool person unweighed down by these petty concerns.
I can see the problem and sympathise but I am not sure what the answer is...sorry

[quote TheRemotePart]@GettingThemFromHereToThere
Aw I FEEL for you.
WTAF!?
Yes I’m still getting lip about this
He oftens goes onto mumsnet to see if I’ve been complaining about him. Lol why don’t you read a parenting book? Google how to fix something you’ve broken instead ?[/quote]
Well I hope he sees this!

It's incredibly frustrating because my partner is very competent at work and can retain very complex information. But when it comes to the home he just doesn't care. He's extremely good at getting things done when I tell him to. And great at practical solution-focused work. But he can't or won't carry any mental load for me.

I also just wish he'd put his hands up sometimes and say "shit, I'm so sorry, I will remember in the future" or equivalent. Instead of "well you didn't tell me..." When I blatantly did and also shouldn't have to.

I feel you OP. I'm not really sure what the solution is. If I'm completely honest, I don't think it will change.

@thehaka I see the patriarchy have trained you well.

Apparently men were seen fit to be far more important than women for centuries holding down their super important jobs, but apparently a simple task is beyond them

[quote Treacletoots]@BurntToastAgain by your own logic "Whoever is there at the time should do it."

The OPs DH is at work, where he has a large supply of available envelopes.

It's not an unreasonable request that involves him going out of his way for. And yet he still can't manage it.[/quote]
And crucially he is not in the house. Nor does he require an envelope. So why would I expect him to sort this problem for me.

I mean, there are light bulbs and loo rolls in the office too. Should he be responsible for procuring them too?

No workplace is going to be bothered about someone taking an envelope.

But you know he's useless so YABU for not sorting your own letter. All you had to do was get an envelope the next day.

@Treacletoots

Oh dear. You appear to have married my exH. My sympathies.

Seriously though, his strategic incompetence is a thinly veiled mask for him being very selfish, lazy or just very little respect for the things that are important to you.

Up to you, but I decided not to live my life with that level of fuckwittery and got myself a fully functioning partner.

Me too !

What is your H's actual job OP ?

Just curious.

Have none of these men ever lived on their own? Had to manage their own lives? or did they move from their parents (who did everything for them) to their wives (who seemingly also do everything for them)?

I couldn't live with someone like this - I wouldn't marry someone like this, you must have been able to see this incompetence/laziness/don't give a shitness before you married him?

I think what annoys me most about these posts is that I bet all the posters moaning about their DH/DP's incompetence do all the mental load stuff, washing, cleaning, christmas gifts etc. Frankly I would stop doing anything that didn't affect me and let them struggle until they got it. IF there is suspected disorders then they are responsible for getting them checked out.

Why did you marry someone you apparently view with such contempt?

How have you had another child with him?

You poor woman.

I couldn't look at someone so annoying not to mind procreating with them.

It must feel so lonely and so much worse than being on your own to be with someone like this.

You have my sympathy, sincerely.

Mind yourself.
I really mean that.

@CandyLeBonBon

If he's doing this at work as well as at home I'd be concerned that he has executive function issues which are common with adhd (I have it and have to have systems in place to avoid this sort of scenario)

Or could just be a moron!

Have you written these up anywhere on MN please? (May be asking for some family members who have these issues. To be fair, they only display this is social and domestic settings, not at all in the workplace if they're to be believed. I'm at the end of my tether and desperately need some useful strategies.)

Why does being on maternity leave mean you can't post a letter?

Rather than asking The Useless Simon.

I had the same problem, seems funny to other people when they see him getting things wrong when ‘at-least he’s trying’ but really it’s just absolute disrespect that he didn’t care enough to listen to me or that when I said something was important that it actually was important and needed to be done.

Envelope theft?! Jesus fucking Christ! I use the odd envelope, license already paid so who cares!

Unless i leave specific instructions, DH cannot follow oral ones.

@Santahasjoinedww

Yabu to not respect his Very Important Job. I have accepted my dh is unable to function as an adult in our marriage.. Underlying adhd at best.. It is draining op.

It's so destructive of peace of mind and quality of life.

It was draining when I was younger but as I acquired more and more people who needed more care (people getting older or developing serious illnesses) I feel it's wrecked my resources to cope with this.

I'd struggle with someone as effing useless as a partner. I hope there are other positive characteristics your DH has that make up for this sort of fuckwittery. Great SOH? Amazing in bed? Creative? Generous or kind? Anything? ( do not say they are a great dad).

@OnlyAFleshWound because I’m not in an office/shop/due to be outside in a storm.
And DH walks by multiple posy offices/shops to purchase envelopes or stamps.

I must admit, I tend to make pickles at times

@Twattergy meh