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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL so close

205 replies

ToocloseMIL · 01/02/2022 13:08

NC as possibly outing and don't want linked to other posts. My PIL currently live about 15-20 minutes away from us. They have recently accepted an offer on the home they've lived in for many years as are looking to downsize. The other day I asked DH about whether they had found anywhere to buy yet and he looked a bit sheepish and said he'd been 'meaning to mention' they've had an offer accepted on a house that is basically opposite us.

I feel like this is too close! I know IWBU to think I could have a say over where they live, but AIBU to feel annoyed? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
whitewashing · 02/02/2022 20:05

My in-laws live in another country, another planet would suit me better…

Ericaequites · 02/02/2022 20:09

Moving or divorcing are disproportionate reactions. Divorce does not necessarily make anyone happier, only poorer.

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/02/2022 21:45

I would be getting estate agents round to get some quotes - get yours on Rightmove PDQ!

Londoncallingme · 02/02/2022 22:21

@MrsBaublesDylan

I can't believe they didn't discuss it with you first!

Sit them down (and make cowardly dh join in) and ask them what their expectations are as they age.

I would be worried about becoming a carer by default - after all, if you are going food shopping, why not get theirs?

And the bags are heavy so maybe you could carry it through to the kitchen.

And whilst your there, could you take a look at the Wi-Fi router which isn't connecting?

And could dh come over and help FiL cut the hedges.

And why not, you live just across the road, it's no bother is it?

Surely that’s what family do for their aged parents? I do it for mine, I just to drive a bit further to do so. It’s my pleasure.
Pallisers · 02/02/2022 22:40

What is a PIL? Pest in law? Partner in law? Can we not just write words?

It is the acronym commonly used on Mumsnet for Parents in law. If you are new to mumsnet maybe familiarise yourself with the vernacular before taking a pop. If you are a poster for a while maybe pay attention.

lollipoprainbow · 02/02/2022 22:47

Is that you Julia ??! (Motherland)

Flickflak · 02/02/2022 23:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

flashy44 · 02/02/2022 23:34

i live on the same street as a DIL and A SIL,i very rarely visit as they are always at mine,its up to them how much they want see us,im ok with seeing them four or fives a week or once a week,its all good,
Sometimes i just long to have five minutes to my self!

PearlyShamps · 02/02/2022 23:36

I'm lucky in that I have incredible PIL, and I'd have no problem with them living opposite me... in fact I'd love it!

What I would have a problem with is them getting as far as having their offer accepted on the property opposite, without them even mentioning it to you! I think they should have mentioned it to you as soon as they decided they wanted to view it. I'd be pissed off at the obvious secrecy of it.

Mollymoostoo · 02/02/2022 23:49

Why didn't you DH tell you before. Take it is a compliment but put in boundaries. My PIL loved in a other city and I am more bothered about SIL and cohort so I wouldn't care tbh, but why didn't he tell you?

LouBan · 03/02/2022 00:05

Unfortunately you don't have a say in where they live but I xan see why you are unhappy about this. If they make a nuisance if themselves you will have to set out some ground rules. My PIL nearly moved in a few doors down (sale fell through) but we were ready with our ground rules. They are new to the UK so we are the only people they know and seem happy with that so if they lived so close they would be popping by all the time.

GirlOfTudor · 03/02/2022 00:29

Oh god. I'd be looking to sell my house asap if that were me 😂
My husband's mum (can't bear to call her my mother in law) lives 1 mile away and I've often fantasised about us moving our entire life to somewhere hours away, just so she can't turn up unexpectedly 😁

BashfulClam · 03/02/2022 01:05

We loved a house a street away from MIL but it is too close. She’d be round for hours every day. She’s the type to call continually until we answer at all hours. She called at 5 am to get taken to hospital as she had thrown up… we said no. We have to lie about where we have been as she throws actual screaming and crying tantrums if we go out without her as we’re ‘excluding her!’ Well sometimes we want to connect as a couple and have romantic dinners and days out without her yammering away at us. She doesn’t talk she just monologues and repeats herself and is completely self absorbed and a manipulate liar. DH is an only child so he is stuck with it all.

Nat6999 · 03/02/2022 03:49

I would have the for sale board in the front garden by now, .y in laws lived round the corner from us when I was married, it caused problems & contributed to us getting divorced.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/02/2022 04:38

As you say, you don't get a vote in where they move to. Your husband keeping it a secret from you would have me absolutely furious, and make me wonder what ELSE he's not told you.

So, I'd rehearse my 'no.'

"My mom wants you to..." "No."

"You need to..." "No."

I would flat out refuse to get involved with them beyond what you're already doing now, in terms of visits/frequency/etc.

They planned this together, they can continue on that way, WITHOUT your involvement. You weren't 'family' enough to be included in the discussion, you're certainly not 'family' enough to be fulfilling their expectations.

And if/when DH complains, I'd tell him flatly that if I wanted a job as a carer, I'd get one.

Totalwasteofpaper · 03/02/2022 05:35

@ToocloseMIL

Yep the situation with DH is probably the bigger issue here. I suppose I could ask him to leave and he could go and live opposite with his mum! At least it would make it easy for him to see the kids!!
I def think this is the best silver lining in all this and may be a reality in the not too distant future

It is Bizarre and strange for neither they nor your DH to mention it.
Truly weird and atypical behaviour.

My mum is moving to be nearer us and also get something futureproofed for older age.
My DH was consulted and involved in the process and knows about all viewings. its been FULLY discussed with DH by both us to ensure he is happy and comfortable and we have mutually (all 3 of us) ruled out certain places.

All the "sell your house"rs must be loaded and have 000s lying around to pay stamp duty and moving costs. Confused If my mil wanted to buy the house opposite we'd have to significantly downsize if we were to move (& I would!!!!)
It would impact us massively. Think 5 bed double rooms to a 3 bed (2 double and box) to maintain flat overall costs/outgoings.

Bibbidybobbidybooboo · 03/02/2022 07:53

I would be SOOOOOO mad with my husband if this happened. He should have discussed with you as soon as he knew it was a possibility, and the two of you should have been a team sorting out ground rules about visiting and notice and protecting your marriage. My PIL are lush, but it was still v difficult at times when we used to live v close to them. This will put a MASSIVE strain on your marriage and sanity, especially if your husband tries to be a go-between or take 'their' side rather than just outright loving his parents but putting his marriage first. You need to have this all out now. It won't end well if you only silently seethe, or try to keep the peace, or feel like you are the bad guy because he should be allowed to put his parents first. (No he shouldn't: partner and kids first, then wider family. Maybe his mum is really afraid of the future and desperately wants to be near you all. That is FINE. not discussing it with you, or worse, keeping it secret, is NOT.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 03/02/2022 08:12

I have DH's family living on both sides of us and all of DH's siblings and his parents live within a ten minute walk.

It's really really not a problem. I probably see my mum more than MIL and my mum lives almost an hour away.

We all respect each other's privacy and ring or message before going round. It was also really handy when FIL ended up in hospital last week as we could just pop round and help with transport, shopping etc.

telvg · 03/02/2022 09:26

When my kids were babies, a house was available opposite and I thought it was too close. Now I wish they had bought it. It would make life so much easier with getting to clubs, being sent home sick from work. We could even have a dog, which I long for. It might work out for you.

vesperlindor · 03/02/2022 09:43

It all depends on the relationship doesnt it. I barely know my MIL, and her and DH don't have much of a relationship, so it'd be super weird if she decide to move near us.

My ex-PILs, I would have loved it, I got on so well with them, lovely people, and they would never have wanted to be any kind of bother, I used to go and stay with them without my ex, and would have happily had them near and looked after them (not personal care but general helping out etc). Ex always said if anything happened to his dad he'd have his mum move in with us, and whilst I wasn't up for that exactly, next door / annex would have been no problem at all.

My own DM, with whom I've always had a slightly strained relationship, would love nothing better than to move next door / across the road and rely on me for everything (she's actually told me several times she'd like to do this, and has even suggested she moves in with us despite me only seeing her once or twice a year for the last 20 years). I've been really firm saying no - I'd have a nervous breakdown within a few weeks!

Flatwhitetostayin · 03/02/2022 11:53

This does not sound good op. The fact that no one discussed it with you, makes me think they all know that what they doing is sneaky.

I think even people with a good relationship would have reservations about a move so close and would discuss it first with ground rules.

I think it's inevitable that their dependence on you and your husband will change if fil gets more sick/passes away.

I'm not sure there's much you can do at this stage. But your sidey senses are collect in that you are not being unreasonable at all to be pissed off. There have clearly been very important conversations you have purposefully been excluded from, possibly marriage ending.

I wish you all the best for the future. Sounds like you've got your head screwed on. X

headspin10 · 03/02/2022 12:57

Might be ok if THEY'D DISCUSSED IT WITH YOU FIRST! Bloody hell.

Angiemum24 · 03/02/2022 13:06

Move!
Or leave your husband and get your own house.
I couldn’t handle it if m.i.l lived across the road. She live about 5 minutes walk away which is ok but I know if she lived across the road she’d be round every time the car was in our drive. We had to take the key off her as she used to let herself in our house weather we were in or not.

I hope your situation gets better.

Newestname002 · 03/02/2022 15:08

@Seahorsemama

Have you watched “everyone loves Raymond” ?

First thing I thought of...

me109f · 03/02/2022 15:18

How very sneaky of them. They could have let you know that they were looking to move close by to see how you would feel about it before putting in offers. Unless you have a very close and loving relationship with PILs you should really suggest they give you a bit of space.

I would also hint that if it became difficult to live so close, that if you needed to move it would be to some far distance away.